Ptsd Coming To The Front In Therapy Now...

[xena21]

I don't know about everyone else here, but I have had a tendency to downplay things about myself. I guess because I was afraid to see what was beneath everything else. I had gone through numerous therapists and didn't like any of them. It was for good reasons too. I just never felt comfortable telling them sh&% about my life as it really was. I brought my other diagnosis to the forefront. I have OCD as well as Depression. I focused everything on those. They did too. Nothing ever really got accomplished though.

Anyway, skip to the past year and I have a new Dr. SHe is quite intelligent and doesn't believe my BS. She seems quite trustworthy too, and genuine, which the others did not for some reason (at least to me). I had a breakthrough of sorts today in terms of telling her things about my childhood that I have never told another soul. She didn't flinch or make me feel like a freak or anything like that at all. I didn't feel different at all. It was like things never changed. I was afraid it would be more devastating but it wasn't.

The thing was, when I got home is when the guilt set in. I began feeling ashamed for what I had said, and feeling guilty for talking about my childhood. I thought I had said too much or didn't say the right things. I then began to self harm. It's not the way it's supposed to work, I know. You're suppose to get everything out and then feel relieved. You are not supposed to beat the crap out of yourself when you are done.

I realize I need to find other ways to deal with my intense lack of emotions and anger that I can't handle it, but it's so frustrating when I think there's a breakthrough and then such a let down. I want to get better and move on. I don't want to be this person anymore.

 

[LizardViolet]

Congratulations on opening up! I am so glad your current therapist is someone you can trust more than the previous ones.

You can't just talk about past trauma and have it be OK by talking. Talk therapy rarely works on past trauma. Trauma gets under your skin, it's still living inside you in your body and in parts of your brain that you can't reach by talking. The disconnection, and the feelings of anger and shame and guilt are like balloons that float along with your bad memories.

Does your therapist have expertise with trauma therapies? With somatic experiencing, or EMDR? Those are the two main techniques that can be effective healing past trauma. I've had some good results with hypnotherapy, at least as far as dealing with symptoms. (I am a supporter but I had a brief period of symptoms last year. EMDR was what helped me the most.)

Last but not least, you are completely allowed to call your therapist in between sessions if you're in distress.

 

[xena21]

Last but not least, you are completely allowed to call your therapist in between sessions if you're in distress.

Thanks. I actually did end up calling because I was so confused to what I was feeling. I knew it was a good thing that I talked but I was beating the crap out of myself. I felt bad about that. The guilt was there either way. She was helpful in the sense that she didn't judge me. She never does that...which is good. I do enough of that for the whole world.

I never understand how people can be nice to me when I want to beat the crap out of myself. Why doesn't she yell at me and tell me I'm a loser? That's what I think in my head. I can't connect it. All I think is that kid I was growing up is that adult I am now. I can't separate the two. As much as I try they are cemented together. I am a disgusting person that allowed things to take place. I did that.

I was able to separate myself for a while to a different world in military and law, but never a different person. I was still the person who allowed it to happen. That would never change, you know? I will never let myself off the hook for that. My training won't allow that now.

 

[shimmerz]

I began feeling ashamed for what I had said, and feeling guilty for talking about my childhood

Child abusers are known for having their victims 'keep it secret'. The 'don't tell anyone thing' can linger forever if not challenged. And guess what? You challenged it! I just wonder if you have an inkling as to a threat (perceived or blatant) that was presented to you during your childhood.

I want to beat the crap out of myself

OMG! For all the times I said exactly the same thing except with a s word instead of crap. I don't generally speak like that - so my friends kept correcting me. My exact words - 'I am going to continue to beat the s*** out of myself until I get better'. How does that even make sense? Why damn everyone else for beating the crap out of me when I am boldly saying I am going to do exactly the same thing? Stymied. That is when my pattern changed.

I was still the person who allowed it to happen

You didn't allow s*** to happen. You didn't ask for it. You didn't deserve it. You couldn't have stopped it. You are neither the cause nor the reason that this happened. Just by nature of the fact that you were abused means, imho that you fought it the best you knew how. Otherwise, if you were a passive audience they would have left you alone n'est pas?

 

[xena21]

My exact words - 'I am going to continue to beat the s*** out of myself until I get better'

Yes, that's more like what I say to myself in my head. Unconsciously I sabotage myself and my treatment all the time according to my therapist. She said I wasn't giving other therapists in the past the full picture or even letting them work on my diagnosis because I was sabotaging myself. Looking back I see it now, trying different ways to hurt myself in addition to blatant self harm. Not wanting to take medication was a big one, and not following the advice of my therapist. I lacked trust too in others and have just started gradually trusting this lady.

It's so hard to let go of such ingrained guilt though. SHame and guilt seem to go hand in hand and make the anger at myself more intense. I understand rationally that it wasn't a child's fault for other's horrible actions, but when the flashbacks and memories collide in my brain the anger always turns toward me. I always want to take it out on myself. The disgust at myself is still unending.

 

[shimmerz]

I lacked trust too in others

No doubt. On the opposite end, I trusted everyone. Bad, bad plan. I suggest erring on the side of caution. Kudos to your therapist for getting at that trusting spot inside of you.

I understand rationally that it wasn't a child's fault

Acknowledgement is 3/4 of the battle! You are most of the way there! Next is the challenging of this ingrained and erroneous belief system. :-) Easier imho than the first 3/4 of this battle! Nice job!

The disgust at myself is still unending

And if by chance the disgust was not pointed at you - who would your second choice be?

 

[xena21]

And if by chance the disgust was not pointed at you - who would your second choice be?

I wish I could point it somewhere else. I know where it should go. The people who abused me throughout my life are the ones who truly deserve the hate and disgust. I do hate them in one way, but I can't get myself to put all my hatred on them and relieve myself of that burden.

 

[shimmerz]

Baby steps? Can you assign something to them @xena21? A start will at least remove some of the burden from yourself. With time you will get better at it..... :-)