Yesterday I had a tough session. I was disclosing details for the first time of a breakdown I had that led to me dropping out of high school after I reported my dad to the police for abusing me, had to move out, and move in f/t with my mother. My mother didn't believe me, started researching False Memory Syndrome and even accused me of fabricating allegations because she thought I was angry at him (about what I don't even know).
I tried to stay in high school. I was an honor student and always loved school, but I got overwhelmed, between therapy and support group meetings and dissociation and nightmares and anxiety and well, a lot of really hard to handle experiences and symptoms, and for a while... I just couldn't get up anymore.
I pleaded w/my school advisor to give me a six week leave so I could pull myself together but they couldn't allow it. So I dropped out. I didn't want to, but I didn't know what else to do. I just couldn't cope anymore.
That was a long time ago. It's always been hard not to be a high school graduate. I finally did get my GED and an Associate's degree, and got back to college again about a year ago- 10 more months and, if all goes well... I'll finally have my Bachelor's degree.
So I was telling my therapist about that time yesterday... the fallout of disclosing abuse, and she was being sympathetic, but then she said something that really upset me.
She said maybe unconsciously I wanted to drop out of high school to punish my mother, because my mother valued education so much, as she didn't make it past 10th grade herself.
That was VERY upsetting to me. Invalidating. I dropped out of high school because I was ^%*%^ng having a nervous breakdown, I was overwhelmed! I didn't know how to put one foot in front of the other anymore. :(
For a minute, felt like I was hearing my mother again, telling me I just made things up to punish my dad. Makes me feel... like a much worse person than I think I am.
I'm not perfect, but I never would drop out of high school, consciously or unconsciously just to stick it to anyone.
I can see, in retrospect, why she threw that idea out there, because teenagers are often rebellious and if you didn't know or care about me, you could just think well, "I would have been pissed at my mother and wanting to get back at her for not believing me." But to me... that' so unrealistic. Not to say I've never done anything petty, but that just doesn't fit at all, and after trying to tell her this story that's so important to me, that I've never really told anyone before, I just felt thrown off, like the connection was broken for a bit. She's known me 18 months and should know that would really bother me.
She apologized, said:
"Leah, I am sorry, I did not mean to upset you or to minimize at all your suffering when you had to drop out of high school. I was simply having a moment of therapeutic musing as we therapists are want to do from time to time. And I will have to admit that the thought of your dropping out of school upsetting your mother was a result that I found satisfying. I was not at all judging you or implying that this was the reason you dropped out.
Thank you for opening up to me about being 16. I think we had a good session, minus my transgression and I do understand in more depth what you were going through. I am very sad for Leah at 16; she sounds so very lonely and unmothered. But I am here for you now; I may make mistakes, but I am here for you, XXXXXX"
I felt better after that, then she put her foot in her mouth about something else and it got worse again. And the thing that bothers me was she tried to pull the "unconscious" card before that- like well, you might've been getting back at your mom and not known it, which is BS. I believe in the unconscious, but that we can make the unconscious conscious with work and that's something I've worked hard to do. I've had 20 years to reflect on this, and I am 100% clear that what happened was I had a breakdown. I pleaded to stay in school: I just wanted six weeks to recover, and I enrolled in community college for a while soon after: school had always been my life to me, and giving it up was one of the worst things I've ever gone through. This makes me so sad even now writing about it.
We agreed that I take criticism really hard, which I always have, and I've really reacted strongly to this idea of hers. I told her too that the easy insights aren't always the accurate ones. It just makes me feel like... she didn't understand me, and it's so important for me to have this go right.
My husband said sometimes therapists just throw darts and that felt really right.
The thing is, I think the PTSD is making it worse: I feel completely out of whack, woke up feeling like I'd been on the losing side of a boxing match, and was just really upset about this yesterday. I even did a quick phone check in last night, and it felt okay in the moment, like her off-base insight was just a... little thing to let go, but it's very hard to let it go.
That happens a lot, these things are hard to let go. The rest of the session was better, but I didn't like her arguing that I wouldn't know my own mind. In the moment, sure, we don't always see all our motivations clearly, I get that, but when I AM clear, I don't like that type of undermining.
Sometimes it gets very rocky disclosing things. Anyone have any insight on how to settle? I mean, I know DBT skills and such, but she said before we ended that she was frustrated I was so upset about this and that I should just let it go. I find that so unhelpful and I told her so!
"Just let it go." I don't really understand or operate that way. I can't just write things off, I have to process and work them through. So I did write to her and do that quick check in but just woke up feeling out of sorts.
I think I'm going to have to talk to her about that. But I just feel all stirred up. I'm short on sleep and overworked too, so I know that doesn't help.
Rereading this, I see this sentence: "And I will have to admit that the thought of your dropping out of school upsetting your mother was a result that I found satisfying." and I just think how that cheapens my experience. There was NO satisfaction for ANYONE in me dropping out. It COST me SO much. 20 years later, I can see the high cost. She doesn't understand what it is to not have that piece of paper. Not to say I didn't do well with what I had, but it's expensive not having a high school diploma, or graduating college, and to go off track then... it was hard to catch up. These days I'm working 60 hours a week to pay the bills and doing college at the same time, and it's hard. It's hard because I got off track then. So her petty pseudo insight just makes me think she has no understanding of this reality. She had it easy.
I just wrote her an angry letter, sharing my feelings about the things that didn't work in session yesterday. Then I told her I now understood it wasn't just her I was mad at about misunderstanding, but my mother too. My mother didn't understand what was going on w/me at all when I dropped out, and I think I'm angry about that too. So, I hope she responds well.
I tried to stay in high school. I was an honor student and always loved school, but I got overwhelmed, between therapy and support group meetings and dissociation and nightmares and anxiety and well, a lot of really hard to handle experiences and symptoms, and for a while... I just couldn't get up anymore.
I pleaded w/my school advisor to give me a six week leave so I could pull myself together but they couldn't allow it. So I dropped out. I didn't want to, but I didn't know what else to do. I just couldn't cope anymore.
That was a long time ago. It's always been hard not to be a high school graduate. I finally did get my GED and an Associate's degree, and got back to college again about a year ago- 10 more months and, if all goes well... I'll finally have my Bachelor's degree.
So I was telling my therapist about that time yesterday... the fallout of disclosing abuse, and she was being sympathetic, but then she said something that really upset me.
She said maybe unconsciously I wanted to drop out of high school to punish my mother, because my mother valued education so much, as she didn't make it past 10th grade herself.
That was VERY upsetting to me. Invalidating. I dropped out of high school because I was ^%*%^ng having a nervous breakdown, I was overwhelmed! I didn't know how to put one foot in front of the other anymore. :(
For a minute, felt like I was hearing my mother again, telling me I just made things up to punish my dad. Makes me feel... like a much worse person than I think I am.
I'm not perfect, but I never would drop out of high school, consciously or unconsciously just to stick it to anyone.
I can see, in retrospect, why she threw that idea out there, because teenagers are often rebellious and if you didn't know or care about me, you could just think well, "I would have been pissed at my mother and wanting to get back at her for not believing me." But to me... that' so unrealistic. Not to say I've never done anything petty, but that just doesn't fit at all, and after trying to tell her this story that's so important to me, that I've never really told anyone before, I just felt thrown off, like the connection was broken for a bit. She's known me 18 months and should know that would really bother me.
She apologized, said:
"Leah, I am sorry, I did not mean to upset you or to minimize at all your suffering when you had to drop out of high school. I was simply having a moment of therapeutic musing as we therapists are want to do from time to time. And I will have to admit that the thought of your dropping out of school upsetting your mother was a result that I found satisfying. I was not at all judging you or implying that this was the reason you dropped out.
Thank you for opening up to me about being 16. I think we had a good session, minus my transgression and I do understand in more depth what you were going through. I am very sad for Leah at 16; she sounds so very lonely and unmothered. But I am here for you now; I may make mistakes, but I am here for you, XXXXXX"
I felt better after that, then she put her foot in her mouth about something else and it got worse again. And the thing that bothers me was she tried to pull the "unconscious" card before that- like well, you might've been getting back at your mom and not known it, which is BS. I believe in the unconscious, but that we can make the unconscious conscious with work and that's something I've worked hard to do. I've had 20 years to reflect on this, and I am 100% clear that what happened was I had a breakdown. I pleaded to stay in school: I just wanted six weeks to recover, and I enrolled in community college for a while soon after: school had always been my life to me, and giving it up was one of the worst things I've ever gone through. This makes me so sad even now writing about it.
We agreed that I take criticism really hard, which I always have, and I've really reacted strongly to this idea of hers. I told her too that the easy insights aren't always the accurate ones. It just makes me feel like... she didn't understand me, and it's so important for me to have this go right.
My husband said sometimes therapists just throw darts and that felt really right.
The thing is, I think the PTSD is making it worse: I feel completely out of whack, woke up feeling like I'd been on the losing side of a boxing match, and was just really upset about this yesterday. I even did a quick phone check in last night, and it felt okay in the moment, like her off-base insight was just a... little thing to let go, but it's very hard to let it go.
That happens a lot, these things are hard to let go. The rest of the session was better, but I didn't like her arguing that I wouldn't know my own mind. In the moment, sure, we don't always see all our motivations clearly, I get that, but when I AM clear, I don't like that type of undermining.
Sometimes it gets very rocky disclosing things. Anyone have any insight on how to settle? I mean, I know DBT skills and such, but she said before we ended that she was frustrated I was so upset about this and that I should just let it go. I find that so unhelpful and I told her so!
"Just let it go." I don't really understand or operate that way. I can't just write things off, I have to process and work them through. So I did write to her and do that quick check in but just woke up feeling out of sorts.
I think I'm going to have to talk to her about that. But I just feel all stirred up. I'm short on sleep and overworked too, so I know that doesn't help.
Rereading this, I see this sentence: "And I will have to admit that the thought of your dropping out of school upsetting your mother was a result that I found satisfying." and I just think how that cheapens my experience. There was NO satisfaction for ANYONE in me dropping out. It COST me SO much. 20 years later, I can see the high cost. She doesn't understand what it is to not have that piece of paper. Not to say I didn't do well with what I had, but it's expensive not having a high school diploma, or graduating college, and to go off track then... it was hard to catch up. These days I'm working 60 hours a week to pay the bills and doing college at the same time, and it's hard. It's hard because I got off track then. So her petty pseudo insight just makes me think she has no understanding of this reality. She had it easy.
I just wrote her an angry letter, sharing my feelings about the things that didn't work in session yesterday. Then I told her I now understood it wasn't just her I was mad at about misunderstanding, but my mother too. My mother didn't understand what was going on w/me at all when I dropped out, and I think I'm angry about that too. So, I hope she responds well.
Last edited:
