Troubled Relationship & Ptsd

[Whirlwind]

Hello,

How do you differentiate between a difficult relationship and issues stemming from your PTSD?

My husband is difficult but I wonder if my reactions are also poor due to my PTSD. I came to deal with my childhood trauma later in life shortly after I married and after a random trauma seemed to push the rest to the surface. I have also wondered if my difficult relationship may have been part of the PTSD surfacing as well.

My marriage is not all bad/difficult it can also be very good at times - basically when everything is calm we're great together and life is good.

But I have come to realize he has some emotional issues of his own and he manages stress really poorly for example. Basically, I feel when we need each other we are zero support for one another and we just disintegrate.

I am giving up on marriage counseling, I have asked/suggested he won't go. Partly his ego and partly his denial. He agrees to read books on marriage etc etc and he does for a bit but then drops it. When I get upset or we have issues he tries harder after the fact and does pretty well but I have come to realize this dynamic isn't likely to change. We're close to retirement too and all of the considerations that come with that.

He is aware of my PTSD but I don't feel supported by him and other than his awareness of my therapy visits we don't talk about it.

Thanks for reading, Whirlwind

 

[scout86]

but I have come to realize this dynamic isn't likely to change

Before getting divorced, my ex & I sought marriage counseling. The therapist said at the beginning of the first session. "Basically, you have 3 choices, 1) Live with things the way they are. 2) Make changes. 3) Get out." A friend of mine added to that, "And if you decide to live with things the way they are, don't complain about it!"

That is pretty much the unvarnished truth. Doesn't matter if PTSD is a factor at all, unless there's a good chance things will honestly stop being an issue if it's better managed and that's likely to happen soon. (This falls under the heading of "making changes".)

If "you" are the only party who needs to make changes, that's good because you're also the only party you have control over. If you're not (and you're probably not) you have a more difficult choice. He may not realize you're serious. (Maybe?)

 

[Friday]

Oh-oh-oh! I get to use FFace as an example of what not to do! (Sorry, I'd just like to take cleats and kitchen implements to him at the moment, and then maybe a light frosting of laboratory chemicals.). I'm a little cranky at the moment.

I have been 100% at fault, to blame, whatever, for the vast majority of my relationships. I think my brain got bored with the status quo of me=@Fault, and decided what I really needed was a nice relaxing abusive schmuck to date for awhile so I could see how the other half lived. My own stupid fault I married the bloke. LifeHack264 Don't be the sanest one in a relationship.

Because of the status quo (me=@Fault) it took me a really long time (read years) to wake up to the fact that my ex was abusive.

Now... I know you said difficult relationship issues & PTSD, not abusive relationship, but while I've tasted the rainbow in relationships, not only am I ticked off at FFace right now, but it also has the clearest line in examples. And because it took me so long, and I stayed for so much longer later, I've got a whole stack of examples of PTSD (accident or normal stuff on theirs) vs jerk, asshole, psychopath.

_________
Jumping when a cupboard door is slammed? Me.
Slamming the door on purpose to make me jump? Him.
Slamming the door on purpose by my head ? Really him.
Slamming the door on purpose whilst sleeping to trigger a panic attack*? FFace.
* He'd use my panic attacks for various purpose

Responding instantly to curt command? Me. Thwibbt.
(I react to orders from people I trust immediately, then think them through)
Using that to his advantage? Him
Using that to my disadvantage? Really him
Using that to hurt me? FFace.

Overreacting at a sharp word? Me.
Using that to blame shift? Him
Using that to make me question my sanity? Really him.
Using that to make any assaults on me "my" fault? FFace

Trigger Me Bestest... (#7216) Gross things touching me
Dropping towels on the ground by the toilet after use? Me/My issues
(Normal / I'm grossed out but it happens, not everyone hangs their towels up, whatever. It drives me batty, but it's not going to change how people deal with their own durn towels. At the very least I can wash the suckers with bleach once a week)
Using my towel to clean something up. Him.
Using my towel to clean up something vile (fish oil, vomit, etc.). Really him.
Making my towel smell like death (or another trigger). FFace.
((Small rant: Serioulsy! Who does this shit??? Wrap a dead bird in my towel for a week while I'm away and then hang it up when I come back??? Psychos. That's who.))

 

[KwanYingirl]

I had an ex-not my ex husband-that used my PTSD and chemical sensitivities to torture me. Can you believe I put up with this for 5 years? None of my PTSD symptoms harm anyone, and certainly did not deserve to be treated like shit. PTSD conditioned me to accept the devil I knew vs. the fear of the unknown. Bizarre but true. I'm learning to stick up for myself. As someone posted recently, we need to be kind to ourselves.

I used to think I was to blame for his outbursts and violence. I really thought that as I got better due to therapy, that he would relax and leave me alone. Ha! So glad I got rid of him.

I don't think it's fair to you to say that your PTSD is the reason your relationship is difficult. Everyone has challenges in their lives. Either you support each other and work as a team, or struggle alone. If he's not willing to talk, then he's alienating you. Again, that has nothing to do with your PTSD. He is not seeking enlightenment, whereas people with PTSD are desperate for it.

 

[shimmerz]

Serioulsy! Who does this shit???

I asked myself this question for almost three years. WAY too long. Don't tell me my ex moved in with you????? Did you get his brother too? Now THAT's a treat! Two for the price of one. Wait til their friends come....

 

[Friday]

@shimmerz The horror... Perish the thought. Kill it. Jump on the pieces. And flush them. :laugh::roflmao::cautious:

 

[shimmerz]

Love that image @FridayJones. We are talking flushing down the toilet right?

@Whirlwind my ex triggered me into my PTSD - on purpose he threw me off emotionally, physically, financially, etc. It didn't matter whether I had PTSD, whether he had PTSD. What mattered in the end was the outcome. It wasn't good for me. That really is what it is all about.

 

[Whirlwind]

1) Live with things the way they are. 2) Make changes. 3) Get out.

I tend to boil things down and I agree with this entirely...but I just can't make decisions anymore, very unlike my old self and it is really disturbing me.

He is not seeking enlightenment, whereas people with PTSD are desperate for it

Nicely put. It does feel this way.

@FridayJones - thanks for the specifics, yikes, some of them sound awful, I'm relieved you aren't in that situation anymore.

What mattered in the end was the outcome. It wasn't good for me.

Yeah. Makes me sad but this has been crossing my mind.

 

[shimmerz]

but I just can't make decisions anymore

I know this feeling to be when things were out of control for me. I wish I had listened to myself earlier than I did. When logic no longer prevails it is a slippery slope that doesn't improve with time I am afraid.

 

[saoirserylyn]

Holy cow. My mind just blew wide open. My current boyfriend is the only boyfriend I've had since i was diagnosed. I've had a sneaking suspicion that the more I told him, the worse i got. He is manipulative, using my triggers against me and then convincing me I'm bat shit crazy and need disability.

I won't be a victim anymore. I'm done.