Being Easily Influenced

[Meadowsweet]

I'm glad you brought this thread to my attention again.

I think that quite a significant bit of what I wrote in the op, is the need to feel allowed to be. The reason i'm glad you brought it up, is because I'm really struggling to speak of the forums at all at the moment. I feel like I have to watch what I say, that I'm not allowed to say what I think.

I'm pushing through it, rather than avoiding totally, but the key here is that not being allowed.

 

[Go Hungry]

Yeah, I keep this place pretty secret as well...

 

[shell]

@Meadowsweet I really liked this thread, I have really been struggling with a loss of sense of self, and how to find a sense of self, and have struggled to determine what I actually like or dislike. As a result of trauma I had never developed a sense of self, I found I blended in with what was occurring around me so I wouldn't be noticed, and wanted to be invisible, so it was safer.

As I am starting to come out of that way of functioning it has been very confronting to realise I actually am not aware of what my preferences are.

 

[BlueOrange]

Great thread.

A paradoxical thing that helped me: I actively pretended to be people other than who I am, mostly through roleplaying games. I found that being able to actively choose who to be started to give me an increase in stability - I was no longer shifting purely in response to my environment and the people around me, I could shift myself towards being the person I wanted to be, and I could keep being someone by choosing to be that person, if I wanted.

 

[ms spock]

My therapist summed it up that I wasn't allowed to develop a sense of myself, but I also lack basic skills like decision making or awareness of preference.

Decision making and awareness of preference are two I am beginning to look at, at this time.

 

[ms spock]

And I am finding the being aware of my preferences really hard along with my decision making.

 

[ms spock]

It will be good when I know myself enough to do the things I need to do. It will be good when I work out how long I need to write an article or an assignment or something for university. Last night I wasn't sure if my brain needed a rest or not or if I was losing it. I may have been over tired and having worked most of the day I may have needed some time off. I need to improve my self management skills. So in this circumstance being aware of my abilities, preferences and what decisions that I need to make could be really helpful.

 

[BlueOrange]

Well said.

Knowing how much we can handle is tricky. Always staying within what we know to be safe is limiting. Always pushing ourselves beyond the limit is excruciating. It's OK to push too hard sometimes. It's OK to maintain reserves sometimes.

The trick is to find ways of being OK with uncertainty - preferences are naturally uncertain things.

 

[ms spock]

It's OK to push too hard sometimes. It's OK to maintain reserves sometimes.

This is where I get stuck at times. I go too far one way or the other.

 

[BlueOrange]

This is where I get stuck at times. I go too far one way or the other.

The trick is to realize how normal that is. 'Never going too far' would actually be quite weird. This is the main thing that I'm working on for myself right now. The trick is to be open to the clues that say "This is too far." and to respond to the clues gracefully.

 

[ms spock]

Responding to the clues gracefully sounds like a most sensible way to go @BlueOrange.

 

[BlueOrange]

If only I could walk the walk!

Doing my best, which is better than my previous best. I wish 'having the right idea' made perfect - practice is pretty f---n tedious.