Relationship How To Deal With The Lack Of Compassion?

[cPTSDwife]

I have posted before, my husband and I hit a rocky patch with his Combat PTSD.. in short, he cheated on me by texting another girl behind my back, acting single, trying to meet up with her and he did that for about a week before I found out. We separated, we are back together but I am struggling so much with the lack of compassion that he has about how much he hurt me..

I mean, I feel as though he should be kissing the ground I walk on for hurting me so bad, is that wrong? I want him to treat me as nicely as he does other people. Why is that such a hard thing for him to do? He is never complimentitive of me, acts like he appreciates me or anything.

We find our selves in a lot of arguments, honestly, because I am bitter about what he did and I feel that he has no feelings about it. He tells me to "get over it" and to "move past it" and trust me, I try. But it tends to come out in the smallest arguments between us. He gets angry because I don't trust him, why the &^*% would I trust him? He thinks that since its been a few months, I shouldn't still be upset but he doesn't seem to understand the deep pain that he caused me and how much damage it did to my self esteem. He turns things that I do/say positive to him into something negative and then we argue. Its a cycle that needs to stop but he just will not look at himself as part of the problem, he thinks it is all me..

Yes, he has apologized.. I feel that the only reason he is sorry is because now our relationship is worse and more stressful... how can he be truly sorry if he has-- "no emotions" - his words.

I just do not get it!!! I am trying to overcome but I am just not myself anymore, I am not trusting, I am not relaxed, I am just jealous, angry and question everything he tells me, where he is, who he talks to at work.. just everything, its exhausting. I've never been this way before and I just don't know how to deal right now. If I saw some compassion or anything like that from him it would make it easier so why can he just not do that? What prevents it?? I am sorry this is long and drawn out.. I am just stressed and looking for some answers..

 

[Deleted member 1860]

OMG Really!?!?!

What is the ONE thing that ANYONE with PTSD hates to be told? Yep, "get over it!" Don't take my advice because it would just be adding fuel to the fire, but if I were you, which I am not, I would be throwing that crap back in his face about his PTSD. Why does he get to use the "get over it" line? Simply because he has a diagnosable disorder and the doctors tell him he can't just "get over it" but since you have no "disorder" then he can tell you to "get over it"? The nerve of some people.....

Again, don't take my advice. It would be more for those who want to fan the flames of the fire rather than put them out.

 

[Nicolette]

I am not trusting, I am not relaxed, I am just jealous, angry and question everything he tells me, where he is, who he talks to at work

Perfectly normal response if you ask me.

how can he be truly sorry if he has-- "no emotions" - his words.

Good question!

He turns things that I do/say positive to him into something negative and then we argue. Its a cycle that needs to stop but he just will not look at himself as part of the problem, he thinks it is all me..

Doesn't sound promising.

If I saw some compassion or anything like that from him it would make it easier so why can he just not do that?

I wonder would it really? Would that bring back trust and stop you from being jealous?

What prevents it??

I've walked a similar path but with someone who did not have PTSD. He made me feel like I had the issues being distrustful yet it turned out my gut instincts were correct and he was a cheating jerk. Silly part is I came to the crossroads you are at and decided to try and forgive him as hanging on to it just festered negatively in the relationship. This actually made my own struggle worse as in order to 'let it go' I had to ignore continuing signs that he had not changed and I was compromising my own sanity in order to preserve a relationship which really wasn't the type of one I wanted.

To me your only choice is to look for the answers within yourself.....only you know what is right for you and you can't make him act the way you want him to, and even if you could, would that really repair what he has destroyed?

 

[cPTSDwife]

[DLMURL="https://www.myptsd.com/c/members/solara.1860/"]Solara[/DLMURL] trust me... I had the same thoughts in my head but I didn't even go there because like you said, it would only make it worse. I mean, he of all people should understand the hurt and pain that can stay with you. No, mine may not be like his and I do not have PTSD but that doesn't make my pain or hurt any less than his. Idk if he is just trying to avoid the fact that, HE hurt me that badly. Maybe that is what he is trying to hide from.

[DLMURL="https://www.myptsd.com/c/members/nicolette.537/"]Nicolette[/DLMURL] You know, I don't know if it would really help to bring it back, I think it would give me a boost in doing so.. if that makes sense? I guess just to see ANY bit of emotion from him would be nice but he is just .. idk, dull? blank? I mean, the only emotion he is able to show is anger or agitation. I love him, I want to work on things and get through this but I can't do it alone and he doesn't know how to not be "numb" to everything around him. Even when he is right beside me, he is alone in his mind.. that is what he told me. That makes me so terribly sad and hurts my feelings because it makes me feel so unimportant to him but idk if I should even take it personally but man oh man is it hard to not take it personally.

I know that I have to try to find some peace within and I am working on that.. sometimes I just get kicked when I am already down and it is hard to get back up, even on the good days.. I just HATE the person that I am now and I don't want to be this way, I didn't make myself this way and its not fair.

 

[nursenurse]

You caught him once. My suspicious little mind is working here. Trust can be lost so easily, and is very difficult to regain. Even with PTSD, he should be working hard to earn your forgiveness, which quite frankly, he doesn't seem to be doing. You have every right to distrust him. Are you guys in counselling at all, because you boyh need it I think to truly move on. If that is what you want to do. Personally, I smell a rat.

 

[Davidg]

Hi,
I would like to say that often times when I feel I feel guilt or if I have done even something minor, I do everything I can not to feel shame. I am working on it but sometimes it is hard for me to show emotion when faced with feeling shame or fear. I try very hard to hide.

I was recently diagnosed after years of suffering and misdiagnosis. My wife is divorcing me because she has become bitter and hardened her heart. I have been working hard to recover and she has no compassion or trust. I was very detached emotionally and I know it has been difficult for her, I would give anything to have her understand the disorder and support me in recovery. I always felt something was missing inside me, it was always me and never her. I would truly subtract time from my life to have her show me compassion. She is very bitter towards me, my heart is not my disorder, my heart loves her very much.
I am sorry you are experiencing such a difficult time and I hope things get better.

 

[PoeticLady83]

I don't think you're being realistic here....you'd want him to naturally want to fix things not just kiss your a**. It is normal that when your cheated on you distrust and it's changes you. However, if your willing to take back someone who cheated you have to be ready to move past it. Not throw it in their face every chance you get. It will literally drive you crazy. What stands out the most is he seems unwilling. I wonder if that's the ptsd or just his way of dealing. I'm sure others can chime in? I have been cheated on in a past relationship. And my current partner has ptsd. I couldn't imagine going through both at the same time. The cliche is soo true "time heals all wounds."

I think often people assume they can move past it (I tried). But it was bigger than us. I knew I'd never be happy with him or love him again after the decade of damage he did to me. You just can't force it and you have the right to sort out your emotions. If only it was as simple as "get over it".

 

[cPTSDwife]

Davidg Thank you for your reply.. that hits home to me because I feel that my husband likes to hide from the things that hurt, this is painful to him too.. I know he loves me, I believe that he does and he tells me he does and its nice to hear but sometimes people just want more, we want to feel special and we want to feel appreciated and irreplaceable.. those feelings were robbed from me, by him and he doesn't want to deal with what he did, he wants to forget it and wants me to forget it, but its not that simple. He just has it in his head that I am too good for him, always have been, always will be but if that was the case, why? I mean, if anything, I feel like I will never be good enough for him because he is just so numb to all things in life, I can never fill that empty space in him that is caused by PTSD and that is hard for me to deal with..

PoeticLady83 I do want him to want to fix things but he just doesn't know how.. I mean, he is not an emotional person so he just doesn't get it, its a huge disconnect. I honestly think he just doesn't know how to deal with what he did. PTSD stress is bad enough and then having to add all of this into it just makes it that much harder. He has told me that he is ashamed, so I feel like he wants to run from it like it never happened, except it did happen and I can't run from it because I feel like every day.. I am working on myself, trying to just stay positive and think about the long run and the end goal, which is, getting past this and just being the normal US that we were.. You're right, I do have to move past it.. I guess just the "how" .. I am working on that every day, hopefully I get there.

I know he is trying more than I can even realize.. his truths are just so harsh to me, like, "get over it".. I am sure that is his way of saying, "lets move on and try our best" because he said that is what he wants to do.. but sometimes he will say things that piss me off and then I just unload all of my bad feelings too. I don't want to be that way but it is my natural reflex and I am working on just trying to bite my tongue more without letting go of my true worth.. if that makes sense??

 

[nursenurse]

It takes time to move past things, but cheating is an action unto itself. Even those who have survived an affair had their time where they threw it back at the offender, where they were afraid, where they showed complete distrust. My opinion is that it isn't likely the first time he has stepped out, and that he may be more of a clod than is given (dis) credit. If there is no counselling and an unwillingness to obtain it, or to go with the heels dug in, you are just spinning your wheels. Get over it indeed. When he earns it, and not a minute sooner.

 

[cPTSDwife]

[DLMURL="https://www.myptsd.com/c/members/nursenurse.18459/"]nursenurse[/DLMURL] He is so against going to counselling because he doesn't want to talk about his PTSD at all, he said he would go to couples but he knows they will ask him and he doesn't want to talk to anyone about it because it doesn't help him to talk about things, he likes to bury things and forget them as soon as he can. BUT this isn't just about him now, it involves me and my well-being so I am going to be looking for someone in our area that I think about be a good fit for us. I may go myself at first and just lead him into it, idk.. I told him that we really have to work on our communication because his is to not talk about problems at all and well, that just doesn't work... he says, "I just deal with things on my own, thats what people should do, figure stuff out on their own." And that is his macho, warped since of thinking..

 

[cPTSDwife]

[DLMURL="https://www.myptsd.com/c/members/nursenurse.18459/"]nursenurse[/DLMURL] I think this was his first time and he said it was, I believe him on that [for other reasons].. I saw a noticeable difference in his behaviors, he never acted that way before towards me, that is why I got curious and I ended up being right in my suspicions. He was just so unlike himself.. its hard to explain.

 

[nursenurse]

I know only too well about suspicions, unfortunately, and have found them to sometimes be the tip of the iceberg, but you know him best.

Here is the thing with his PTSD. He needs to at least try to resolve his inner conflicts. Burying them along with the hurt he has caused you is not the answer, and I am sure you know from here that some need to hit the bottom of their own barrel before they can look up and see daylight. Unfortunately, that sometimes comes with a loss.

Has he ever done counselling for his PTSD, if so, for how long? Although on the continuum supporters tend to be the ones doing more compromising, it does not absolve the sufferer from trying, it does not allow them to keep hurting the ones they love, make no mistake, what he did was a choice, a very poor one at that. From what you have said, he seems to feel that you do not deserve him. In most cases it is truly the way they feel. In some cases it can be a manipulation tactic, to keep you hooked. Only you can know which that is through his words, actions and even non actions.

I don't think you will be able to resolve this on your own, this is something that will fester and is no way to live. If he won't go, then you get counselling for yourself. You do not own his problems, but you owe it to yourself to be as healthy as possible. You can't make him go, but honestly, if he sweeps it under the carpet, he is destroying the both of you in the long run. I wish you all the best and hope you two can come together in some sort of therapy, but remember that you need to look after you.