Partner Unable To Understand/support

[Sofffija]

I am wondering if anybody has similar situation. I have ptsd and I am married. My husband is from another county/culture and he is raised in environment where only "strong survive". He is one of these men who has an attitude like "no matter what happens, just get over and move forward". He of corse has his own wounds and fears, but he prefers to numb his emotions or avoid them, he just recionalizes everything... I am completely different and also very vulnerable. He knows I have ptsd and also ADHD and I struggle a lot, but I can not get any support or understanding from him.. I understand that it is not his fault that he does not have any resources to support me, I even can go on like that. But.... The problem is that I am not able to feel close to him, deep inside I cannot trust him, and I feel emotionally disconnected from him. And he feels rejected, I know it. It is like never ending vicious cycle. Even when I decide to share with him something I always feel disappointed afterwards because he cannot comprehend what I mean. If I tell him how I feel his brain works in such way that he immediately needs to find solution of the "problem". He seems not to be able just listen and support, he neads react. As a result I fell alone and so he does. I know that couple counseling would be good, but this is not an option right now for him. I wanted to hear from somebody- what can I do besides of counseling to make it better? I would be happy te hear some experiences... And one more thing... I feel I have built a wall between us. There were several situations when he hurted me very deeply... One of them was very BIG. We lost 22 our first son when I was 22 weeks pregnant... I went through real hell during 2 weeks in hospital (baby had hromosomal abnormalities and serios heart defect and was not supposed to live if I would birth him..) it was the most terrible decision I had to make in my life. I had to kill my child. I was helpless and alone, he said he do not want this baby.. And he was not there with me neither in hospital, nor in my sorrow and grief... He preferred to "get over one move forward", and even didn't want to talk about what happened. I was dead inside for 2 years and he was irritated and did not want to face my grief... Recently he asked forgiveness about it, and I forgave him. But scars do not go away just by forgiving.. I truly want our marriage to be place of trust and love, but I do not know what to start from... Sorry for so long post, I just wanted to share...

 

[Namenotdiagnosis]

I'm so sorry to hear about your traumatic times, although my husband understands my complex PTSD he suffered from Alopecia 40 years ago nd suffered lots of bullying etc in the late 70s as a child then as a teenager to early adulthood , his background was a very strict one in which u got on with with life nd move on and coz there was not a lot if understanding around Alopecia it was left in the background. However , he has recently opened up but refuses to recieve n e form of support Eventhough I have supported him nd will continue to. His understanding of my cptsd is that it happened and move on which I'm sure ul understand if it was that simple it would not be cptsd. I'm currently hving emdr nd hve been for a long time , prior to this I had eft which is emotional freedom technique. I paid private but you can follow someone on you tube nd it's just as good . My husband had done this with me nd found it really helped.

 

[arfie]

My husband and I are from the same country, but that didn't save us from allot of what you are describing. Speaking the same language and cultural assumptions is far from a guarantee of communication. In my opinion, nothing proves that better than marriage.

My own solution was to accept and respect my husband as he is while I found other sources of help for my own problems. As my own needs became less urgent, the walls between my husband and I came down more easily. Almost naturally.

Gentle validation and support while you sort through your own unique dynamics, Sofffija.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think that this is just who he is and he is not going to change so you need to find a way to deal with it on your own. Not everybody is the supportive type. I had someone call me "emo" like I do this crap for fun. He isn't empathetic, either, and I couldn't kick him out of my life fast enough. Yeah, like PTSD is a choice.

 

[Friday]

I've taken shelter with these kinds of men in the past. There is a deep strength, a calmness, stillness about them even when they're furious that is simply soothing. I never have to worry about slipping my leash when they're about. If my PTSD is a beast inside of me, the beast sleeps. Usually. There's a deep attraction to that kind of peace.

Conversely, these are not the types of men who tolerate weakness, in themselves or others. In someone they love? Never. This is a problem to be sorted immediately. Not talked about, catered to, or dallied with. They're not "supportive" in that kind of sense.

What I've done in the past is
- Play the sexist card (I'm a total hypocrite with this one, but "It's a woman thing, shoo. You wouldn't understand." let's them off the hook, which lets me off the hook. It's not a female thing, but it's about the only way I ever managed a Sympatico around "Back off".)
- Give them problems to sort out. It makes them feel useful, and gets them out of my hair/ lets me deal with my stuff that they cannot sort out.
- Give them solutions I want (hold me for awhile, make me forget, be very nice to me today)
- Keep my "female problems ;)" out of their sphere. With girlfriends, therapists, anywhere else. And then loop it about: if they get upset I'm not coming to them, I play the sexism card and get met with relief. Ah. You're whining*. Okay. As long as it's to someone else. Not me. What can I do for you?

Rinse. Lather. Repeat.

Not saying it's the best of solutions. Merely what I did during my Baltic phase.

* This is also usually where I smacked them. It's a bit of a dance. They see a weakness, so a show of strength relieves them... And it becomes a bit of a "together" thing. Come to think of it, maybe I need to go back to dating Baltic men. There is so much ritualized interaction. And, yes, folks I do realize I'm generalizing, here. And generalizations are always wrong ;)

 

[Sofffija]

thank you everybody for your responses and support :)!!!!
I know that no marriage is ideal, even if you do not have PTSD...And i also understand that i can not change the person i live with, i need to change myself, and this is the hardest part, because sometimes i even start to feel like he is my worst enemy :). Especially when he does not control his anger outbursts and causes pain (i absolutely can not tolerate anger and short temper, it triggers me so much... but he absolutely can not understand why i can not tolerate it and why i react in the way i do... and list goes on and on... Before i got married, his strength, leadership qualities and ability to get everything he wants really attracted me. But when honeymoon is over, we face the dark side of moon :)

I'm currently hving emdr nd hve been for a long time , prior to this I had eft which is emotional freedom technique. I paid private but you can follow someone on you tube nd it's just as good . My husband had done this with me nd found it really helped.

Thank you for sharing and support, i was also suggested emdr. Does it help???. actually i am going through a lot of healing, and i do not have nightmares or flashbacks any more, but my brain is still oversensitive to certain things and i hate this feeling of hopelessness when my body reacts.
arfie, you are SO RIGHT in everything you wrote. I have a good source of support outside my family (if this person were not in my life, i am pretty sure, i could not be able to get through everything. i am very grateful that i have love and support outside... and it is not very problem for me to accept the fact that he can not be supportive and understanding, it is more about feeling sometimes that we are absolute strangers :) and his behavior unfortunately kept me in fight flight freeze mode which is very unhealthy for me. (i am not blaming him, he was risen up in family where father showed no respect to mother and was very aggressive and cruel. it is normal for him to act out aggressive and i talk and talk and talk about it 6 years already but he just do not understand that it can be a problem...
Solara.. thank you for your what you wrote and i agree... but i can not get him out of my life :)

Conversely, these are not the types of men who tolerate weakness, in themselves or others. In someone they love? Never. This is a problem to be sorted immediately. Not talked about, catered to, or dallied with. They're not "supportive" in that kind of sense.

thank you very much for so helpful reply... yes, you made a point (i even did not think about it before) he can not tolerate weakness... i would say he can not tolerate showing weakness...but what is interesting that there is another truth - everybody has weakness and everybody has strength.. there are time and place to be weak for everybody, even for him.. and sometimes i feel like am rubbed of something very important - my right to show my weakness. and this leads to emotional disconnection and isolation and slows down healing. i am not kind of person who is always weak. but it would be so good to have my right to be myself with the one i share my life with...

so... i need to continue my healing journey and keep my true emotions and feelings inside... but i so hate to be fake...

 

[Friday]

There is a difference between being fake, and modifying behaviors to suit the venue at hand. For example, we tend to be more respectful and reverent singing at church/temple/mosque/etc. than we are singing at the pub, and we generally have our clothes on while singing at a child's birthday party (and at worship, a public bar), but not in the shower. In all 4 places we're singing joyfully. We aren't being fake by wearing nice clothes, sexy clothes, mom clothes, no clothes. We aren't being fake by not "cutting loose" at church or children's parties, while we may be shouting with abandon in the pub or shower. We're still us. In all 4 places. Doing the same thing, in different ways, as needs must. It's simply a choice of which facets of ourselves we are choosing to display.

While I suppose it would be ideal if our spouses could be all things to us at all times... That's not a role many people are able to fill. For someone else, or for ourselves.

In most good marriages... There are shortfalls. Whether it's intellectual, emotional, physical, inspirational, interests... There are things we each need in our lives which our partners are unable to supply. At least IMO, that's okay. If he weren't someone one could debate with, and intellectual debate is important and necessary... One would debate elsewhere. Feed the elephants child on their own time. Not feel fake for choosing not to make him feel stupid. Right? Neurologists marry carpenters. Not because they can debate the intricacies of anatomy & physiology with them (usually). But for all of their other qualities. Catholics marry Jews, not because they share religious devotions together. And it doesn't make either of them fake.

The people we love are usually different from us. There are needs we have, that are met outside of the marriage. That's normal. And okay.

I don't know either of you, or your marriage. I'm not trying to say you have a good marriage when you may not. Nor how much your PTSD needs you prioritize being met your spouse in important to you. Just felt like I would be remiss in not saying... Just because there are usually a few areas of shortfall, doesn't mean that something is wrong. For some, sharing a religion, or intellectual pursuit, or psychological understanding is necessary. For others, they meet those needs elsewhere, and marry outside of their job, religion, disorder, etc. Both are okay.

 

[Namenotdiagnosis]

I think emdr does help but unfortunately I've been left with lots of emotions and anger naturally being at the top , v v v scary I've become a complete monster unfortunately and hate it, my colleagues have suffered a back lash of my anger and think I've lost the plot , I'm not sure what to do with these emotions and having no local support group I'm open to any advice, I hate what I've become and just want to feel ok x my work are confused and I'm in bits , can anyone please help or advise me

 

[Sofffija]

There is a difference between being fake, and modifying behaviors to suit the venue at hand. For example, we tend to be more respectful and reverent singing at church/temple/mosque/etc. than we are singing at the pub, and we generally have our clothes on while singing at a child's birthday party (and at worship, a public bar), but not in the shower. In all 4 places we're singing joyfully. We aren't being fake by wearing nice clothes, sexy clothes, mom clothes, no clothes. We aren't being fake by not "cutting loose" at church or children's parties, while we may be shouting with abandon in the pub or shower. We're still us. In all 4 places. Doing the same thing, in different ways, as needs must. It's simply a choice of which facets of ourselves we are choosing to display.

While I suppose it would be ideal if our spouses could be all things to us at all times... That's not a role many people are able to fill. For someone else, or for ourselves.

In most good marriages... There are shortfalls. Whether it's intellectual, emotional, physical, inspirational, interests... There are things we each need in our lives which our partners are unable to supply.

I totally agree with you and can say yes to every word you wrote. But I put a little different meaning in word "fake" . English is my third language and it is far from perfect... By being fake I meant pretending that I am ok with things/behaviors which I don't want to experience in my relationships (for example abusive words, disrespect, not being able to control his anger towards me and my son, yelling, being mean...) it just makes me feel unsafe and re traumatized. I am mature enough to understand that my husband does not have too meet my expectations and I do not demand it. I know he doesn't have a brain for understanding my condition and even doesn't have a heart to reach out and try to emphasize me. All i want from him is to respect my feelings and try to understand some basic things about me and not to cross boundaries... But he struggles to understand and remember it.. I just need some time and safe place to recover from all bad things what happened to me throughout all my life and I just feel exhausted...

I think emdr does help but unfortunately I've been left with lots of emotions and anger naturally being at the top , v v v scary I've become a complete monster unfortunately and hate it, my colleagues have suffered a back lash of my anger and think I've lost the plot , I'm not sure what to do with these emotions and having no local support group I'm open to any advice, I hate what I've become and just want to feel ok x my work are confused and I'm in bits , can anyone please help or advise me

Then I have question how exactly does it help? What you wrote about emotions which you are left with... I am very sorry you are in difficult place dealing with all of this... Only thing I know for true is that every trauma has a lot of powerful emotions mostly horror, rage, fear, guilt, shame etc attached to it... Each trauma has its little "room" in the brain our soul, I see it like files which are stored inside my brain.. And when these files are opened, all these frozen but incredibly strong emotions are to be released in order healing can happen.. For me it has never been quet and peaceful thing - they leave my body in the way I would not want anybody to see me at these moments. But I am not scared or confused by that, because I know that it is part of my healing. And I also know when each trauma entered my body, it was much more horrible, but I was helpless to express my anger then... And it was stored and accumulated for many years, so it is time to let it out:) be kind to yourself, it is ok to feel anger, I think it means that something has been opened up in you and now you just need to find safe place to release it from your body... But I can say only what works for me...

 

[Namenotdiagnosis]

Thanku I r appreciate your comments