Sufferer (also) Recently Diagnosed...

[kath3141]

I was actually diagnosed with PTSD recently about 3-4 months ago. The Psychiatrist I saw, said I was a "mild case" as per the new nonaxis DSM 5 diagnosis model. I'm not exactly sure what this means, or haven't honestly processed it all totally. I"m a married mother with two kids who is busy with work and school. Based on what I've noticed lately, I'm noticing I feel addressing this issue and somehow making time to "deal with it", (whatever that might mean) might be necessary.

For just a bit of background, I had been seeing a licensed mental health therapist for about five years. My time in therapy cane to a close about 3-4 months ago, since it was felt by both of us, we had accomplished our goals. I was sad to leave therapy, the lady I was seeing was a great therapist. I had learned much from the DBT group therapy early on, and improved my complicated family relationships (as much as was realistically possible).

My biggest issue since completing therapy is accepting the limits to the degree in which Iam able to put some things behind me. Realistically, coming to terms with the PTSD diagnosis, means, to some degree while I want to "be over it", I can't be completely. As I sit here, at 3:30 in the morning, for example I find myself crying over this. I feel a part of me, a small part, is mourning over a loss, like a death of sorts. I'm struggling with any contact I have with my family. They, apparently get to set the parameters in which I'm the scapegoat, its my fault. Any contact I have of them, brings up an underlying well of pain and hurt. Being in their presence, our entire dynamic is one of my realizing they will never validate my experiences, and make me forever feel as if it was my fault. Memories of assorted painful events come to mind, such as that time 20+ years ago when I attempted suicide and they never visited me in the hospital, or asked me if I was okay.

I feel ridiculious admitting all of this. You see, I'm basically doing well, functioning in life all right. School is going well, I love my husband and kids, yet this old stuff from so long ago keeps coming up. Twenty years ago, and there it still is. You see my parents were never abusive, they never hit, or called me names. They are doctors and on the surface seem perfect. What they did was ignore me and neglect my needs for support during a difficult time. To this day, if any emotion or old hurt comes up, I'm made to feel guilty from bring it up. I actually have to apologize. This seems wrong....

...At any rate I"m rambling. I just need to get some assistance in learning how to manage it, like Diabetes I guess. I appreciate your thoughts...

 

[intothelight]

@kath3141 Welcome to the forum!

Realistically, coming to terms with the PTSD diagnosis, means, to some degree while I want to "be over it", I can't be completely. As I sit here, at 3:30 in the morning, for example I find myself crying over this.

Don't let the view that PTSD cannot be cured limit your life, as many times PTSD symptoms can be gone entirely for extended periods of time. There are many articles, threads and posts here where you may find some additional tools, therapies or lifestyle changes that will continue to help.

 

[franciemarnie]

I know the scapegoat role well! I grew up in an alcoholic home and that was my role (as well as caretaker and the one who acted out the family dysfunction. My brother took the high achiever role that belied the truth.)

Anyway, alcoholic upbringing or not, when you are made the scapegoat, none of them have to look at themselves as having done anything wrong because you are the wrong one.

Not!

Of course they didn't visit you in the hospital. They might have had to acknowledge their part in the damaging of you then. They'd have had to acknowledge your reality, which was Reality.

It is good you are so aware. I used to apologize if I bumped into a mannequin in a department store. No more.

Things can change for you, but perhaps you might consider therapy with someone else now since you are up in the wee hours crying. May I hazard a guess that the trauma emotion has not been released within you. You understand what happened, but the trauma is still buried in your body. Your family reflected back to you a false reality so maybe you never had the chance as a kid to viscerally feel the truth of your experience at the time the trauma occurred, and the time has come to release it. Somatic therapy is helping me with this. You have options now. And one is to never apologize to your family again.

Bless you.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

So what you're saying is that the DSM 5 is more lax, per all the discussions in the past here on the forum that PTSD involves an impairment in daily functioning? Great...

 

[kath3141]

So what you're saying is that the DSM 5 is more lax, per all the discussions in the past here on the forum that PTSD involves an impairment in daily functioning? Great...

Actually, as someone who is new to "all this", I'm describing what Has been conveyed to me. The doc did discuss briefly the diagnostic process and how he came to his conclusions. I'm not exactly sure what this means, but nonetheless that's what I was told as he discussed with me.,,

I'm not sure how this relates to past forum discussions as a new member or what it means, but I'm sorry if I may have offended you..

 

[kath3141]

@kath3141 Don't let the view that PTSD cannot be cured limit your life, as many times PTSD symptoms can be gone entirely for extended periods of time. There are many articles, threads and posts here where you may find some additional tools, therapies or lifestyle changes that will continue to help.

Thanks for the welcome. I think as busy as I am, I have noticed I need to slow down. I need to take better care of myself and start learning to managing my relationship with my family better.

 

[kath3141]

Things can change for you, but perhaps you might consider therapy with someone else now since you are up in the wee hours crying. May I hazard a guess that the trauma emotion has not been released within you. You understand what happened, but the trauma is still buried in your body. Your family reflected back to you a false reality so maybe you never had the chance as a kid to viscerally feel the truth of your experience at the time the trauma occurred, and the time has come to release it. Somatic therapy is helping me with this. You have options now. And one is to never apologize to your family again.

.

Thanks for your advice. i think it's definitely like you said, I don't think I've released all the emotions from that old trauma. The hard part is the conflict within. You see intellectually I know the truth of what transpired. I also realize I'm not to blame. Nonetheless, it's wierd how the old emotions can betray you. I still feel like it's my fault emotionally with the burden of guilt and self loathing. I also cling to hope and wishes of what I know my family can't give.

It all feels much like that fable "the emperor has no clothes" to me. I see a truth, I try to deal and acknowledge it, yet am admonished for doing so...

 

[franciemarnie]

I so identify @kath3141. One of the hardest things in life was for me to stand in my truth. When people deny my reality, significant others, I can go nuts. It messes with a person's head.

I know what you say is Truth. But I am not family and family can hold so much power. They can break your heart. They may never acknowledge the truth. Never. That is hard to accept, but when I did - life was easier. I stopped banging my head against a wall. My parents are dead now. It's my brother who can trigger me.

But even if he acknowledged the emperor had no clothes, the PTSD would still be inside me. It's a myth that to have the horrific reality acknowledged and apologies given - that we are then healed. PTSD is in our body/brains. When I work on healing that and feeling better, the importance of family opinion and what happened, etc. recedes.

I must say it is easier that I have almost no family, and rarely see my brother. I wish you didn't have to deal with them at all.

 

[sun seeker]

Any contact I have of them, brings up an underlying well of pain and hurt. Being in their presence, our entire dynamic is one of my realizing they will never validate my experiences, and make me forever feel as if it was my fault.

I so relate to this. If you look at my recent thread "Is Reconciliation Possible?" you'll see you are not alone in this.

It hurts. It's always there. I'm so sorry.