What On Earth Am I Doing To Myself?

[hailstorm]

recently my therapist asked me if I drink or do drugs. I admitted to drinking every chance I get and using opioids. I told her that I'm not an addict but that I only do it when I'm really stressed out...which is more than I admitted to her.
So she asked me to go a week without taking anything except my prescribed meds.
Wow was I mistaken about not being dependent on these substances! I started having withdrawals the second day without them. I was vomiting, shaking, sweating, and couldn't sleep.
So I texted her and asked her if I wanted to detox what my options were to not feel so sick. I never got a reply back and it's been a week since I texted her. Of course, being stupid as I am I went right back on the substances the next day. I feel better now. I feel so ashamed of myself and I know I am hurting myself by using.mit just seems to be the only thing that keeps me from having ptsd symptoms...flashback, nightmares, dissociating.
Has anyone here found a way to withdraw from drugs and alcohol that helps with the withdrawal symptoms? I really do want to get on with my life and stop trying to numb myself out. I want to get through this though without being hospitalized.
Thanks for any advise you can give.

 

[joeylittle]

Hospitals aren't so bad, if you want to do a supported detox. I think if you google "sobriety programs" or "substance abuse clinic" you might see something that you like.

Are you willing to consider AA or NA?

I don't know if tapering is better than quitting. But I think it would be great if you could have an appointment with your prescribing doctor and ask for their advice about the best way to do it.

 

[Chava]

Sorry your therapist didn't text back. That's a pretty important question, so don't give up. Try calling, text again. Look in the white pages, etc. for local detox if you want help knowing you can get through the first few days, or call the hospital. I don't know how much you use but withdrawal can be extremely difficult and sometimes even dangerous. For opioids, there are docs who can help by prescribing things like suboxone. Tapering might be better, but that's really a question for a doctor. But that sort of doc or psychiatrist could also probably help if your body needs an alternative to the opiod solution to your ptsd symptoms, whether medication for panic or other stuff. I've never been through that but have had a hard time going down from even 2 to 1 of my painkillers (back pain) at times...sleeplessness, etc. But I've been in detox and treatment several times for alcohol. It's hard at first. Don't be ashamed and definitely don't be afraid to ask for extra support. If you don't hear back from your therapist, call a clinic, hospital, treatment center.

If you think you can do it alone, still reach out for support. Drink a load of water (supposedly cranberry juice is helpful), move gently to decrease pain but also rest. Magnesium supplements are natural muscle relaxants. Some people like valerian root too (just did nothing for me personally). If you are having lots of ptsd symptoms without this stuff though, don't rule out extra support, whether inpatient or partial treatment. But also, call your therapist. It would make sense to get off drugs and alcohol abuse before trying to process trauma stuff. Trying to do both together....omg.

 

[hailstorm]

Thanks for your reply @joeylittle i am very opposed to hospitalization just because I had a really bad experience before. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist in November. He doesn't really call you back when you call for help so I need to wait until my appointment. I was hoping that I could do this without any formal intervention. He will probably suggest hospitalization. I just need to find a way to get off of these without being so sick.

 

[hailstorm]

Thanks @Chava your right about not trying to do trauma work and get off of substances at the same time. I can't imagine not having something in my system to calm my ptsd symptoms. I did drink a lot of water...thought it would keep me from getting dehydrated I just couldn't keep any of it down. The shakes are terrible and the heightened perception of noises around me is panic inducing. I started having hallucinations at night seeing things move around in my room. It's very scary! I have heard of people here talking about valerian root. I will do some research on that. I will also try the cranberry juice.

 

[Justmehere]

I just found out the hard way my therapist didn't even get a text I sent last week, and that I didn't get a text from her. It had to do with iPhone updates... I would call your therapist, make sure she didn't mix the text.

My guess is that she asked you to stop for a week to help you brake through what she suspected was some denial about it (we all have some denial about something.) It's really common for people to not realize how dependent they are until they stop. But you have a lot to be proud of for your courage to see it, and reach out for help and solutions to get through. She probably really wants to help support you through this and may have just missed the text.

 

[joeylittle]

I'm not saying detox centers are like a picnic in a park, but honestly, you're describing a strong withdrawal reaction - and right now you are motivated to quit. They aren't the same as hospitalization, necessarily. Your psychiatrist is a moron. You could also try taking an appointment with anyone else in his office, an emergency first-available kind of thing.

It's really awesome that you want to do this, it just sounds like it's going to be hard. IF you decide to try again on your own, get a detox buddy, if you can. Someone you really trust who will just hang out with you, help, and call for an ambulance in case you have cardiac or neurological trouble.

 

[Chava]

The shakes are terrible and the heightened perception of noises around me is panic inducing. I started having hallucinations at night seeing things move around in my room.

valerian and juice might help but I wouldn't count on them to prevent symptoms to this degree. Even not totally knowing how it's going for you I feel better suggesting you call a doctor (or send another note to your therapist or call about what is going on)...or at least allowing yourself that option, or calling the hospital if it gets bad. There are docs that can help with detox stuff. Sorry you had a bad experience with hospital. My worst moments were probably in a hospital, but so were the best turning points for me. Really depends on the people and programs there, so don't discount that idea or asking for help. Agree that it's awesome you are motivated to try to live without this stuff. It's not easy but it's worth it.

 

[hailstorm]

@Justmehere i guess I may just be paranoid that I may be asking too much of my therapist. I have an appointment with her on the 20th. I will talk to her then.

 

[Justmehere]

I agree with the others. Talking to a doc soon is a very good idea. Hallucinations may be a sign of getting a little too destabilized too fast. You can even go see a primary care. Sometimes people need to taper and/or have medical support through it so they get through it medically ok, not just psychologically. People don't always have to be hospitalized to get medical support for symptoms - there are other options.

When I volunteered in a jail, they gave people withdrawing from alcohol b vitamins and other medications to help people safety get through - and they didn't do it for their emotional comfort. They did it to make sure people stayed medically ok through the withdrawal.

You are getting even less support than they got, and you haven't committed a violent crime and gotten tossed in jail. Instead you are making great and extremely brave choices. You deserve as least as much support as they got to get through this. Your body deserves it.

It's your choice to reach out to doctors and your therapist... But I don't think you are asking for too much at all. If they really think it's too much, then they are total crap. My guess is that they are not totally crap and would be glad you called and admitted how bad this is.

It's your choice in the end how you handle it, I am gently challenging you that maybe always going it so alone isn't the best option to get through this.

 

[hailstorm]

Thank you all for your awesome words of encouragement and helpful hints! I have a lot to think about and I really do need to do this if I am going to get my life back. I am so afraid of the withdrawals and the uncontrollable PTSD symptoms :(. Hugs to all for your help :hug:.

 

[City Slicker]

Depending on your circumstances and what opioids you are taking, something to consider in your options is a supervised methadone maintenance program while you take time to deal with your other symptoms. Then transitioning from methadone gradually tapering your dosage until your ptsd symptoms are feeling more manageable. It's done in a supervised setting, usually day program with counselling support and medical assistance. Just wanted to throw that in as another option to consider. Your therapist can assist in talking with you about that option as well. Best wishes and good luck.