UPDATED : What am I doing wrong? Any success stories with humanistic, person centred psychotherapy?

[Movingforward10]

She claims to of been my therapist. She called the work we were doing intensive trauma therapy.

She does claim that. But she isn't acting like one. I think if you continue with this relationship you're going to continue feeling like this as she will continue behaving like that.

I don’t feel safe to go to anyone new

Why is that? Because how is she making you feel safe? She sounds the unsafe person so I do wonder what is stopping you from ending this with her.

I can’t afford more private therapy anyway as I was paying by doing dog walking for this therapist. Nhs has been less than helpful so far.

This dual relationship is problematic. .I understand you feel stuck here. Is trying the NHS worth another shot?
There are also therapists that work on a sliding scale. If you do online too then that opens up to any therapist in UK for you who may offer cheaper sessions


Though I get the feeling that you "can't" walk away from this person. (I put can't I quotation, as it is actually a choice not to). In that case, what can you do to help yourself? Given that she isn't ethical it's difficult to say "bring all this to your therapist" as I would usually say, because it doesn't seem safe to? So I don't know what support is open to you given that you have limited social support to talk this over with people who know you.

 

[Deleted member 51804]

She does claim that. But she isn't acting like one. I think if you continue with this relationship you're going to continue feeling like this as she will continue behaving like that.

Why is that? Because how is she making you feel safe? She sounds the unsafe person so I do wonder what is stopping you from ending this with her.

This dual relationship is problematic. .I understand you feel stuck here. Is trying the NHS worth another shot?
There are also therapists that work on a sliding scale. If you do online too then that opens up to any therapist in UK for you who may offer cheaper sessions


Though I get the feeling that you "can't" walk away from this person. (I put can't I quotation, as it is actually a choice not to). In that case, what can you do to help yourself? Given that she isn't ethical it's difficult to say "bring all this to your therapist" as I would usually say, because it doesn't seem safe to? So I don't know what support is open to you given that you have limited social support to talk this over with people who know you.

I do have that feeling I can’t walk away from her. I guess because she’s enabled me and co created this dependency from what started as a healthy attachment.
I feel like I was groomed into the weak place I’m in now and now I’m getting left because of her own reasons of needing to end the work with me and I’m getting told of all I’ve done wrong with contacting her too much outside session (which she initiated most of the time) and not being a good friend to her, because my need for her is “immensely overwhelming”.
I guess I’m waiting for her to take accountability or give me something that makes me feel I can trust the therapy process.
Maybe I just take a break after the 2 1/2 years of so much work, for nothing it seems but more pain. I just feel it won’t just me a break, it will be me giving up on healing.

 

[Movingforward10]

I feel like I was groomed

Yep. Totally understandable. Because you were.

for her is “immensely overwhelming”.
I guess I’m waiting for her to take accountability or give me something that makes me feel I can trust the therapy process.

Why would she take accountability. You're expecting her to change to make this better but she has not shown you any willingness to do that as she has ..

I feel like I was groomed

...groomed you. By doing all this .....

I’m getting left because of her own reasons of needing to end the work with me and I’m getting told of all I’ve done wrong with contacting her too much outside session (which she initiated most of the time) and not being a good friend to her, because my need for her is “immensely overwhelming”.

. ...^^^^. a "therapist" that behaves like that hasn't, and isn't going, to take accountability.

Maybe I just take a break after the 2 1/2 years of so much work, for nothing it seems but more pain. I just feel it won’t just me a break, it will be me giving up on healing.

I wonder if there is a way of reframing this? Why would leaving something that is abusive (as grooming is abuse) mean you are giving up on healing? It would mean the opposite?

It might feel like ending that relationship is painful and takes energy and fight you don't have in you. But it sounds like being in the relationship is taking energy and fight that you don't have.

I do hope you do something that works for you.
Maybe accepting this is how and who she is. She isn't going to change. Accepting that. And then deciding what you want to do in response to that.

 

[Deleted member 51804]

Yep. Totally understandable. Because you were.

Why would she take accountability. You're expecting her to change to make this better but she has not shown you any willingness to do that as she has ..

...groomed you. By doing all this .....

. ...^^^^. a "therapist" that behaves like that hasn't, and isn't going, to take accountability.

I wonder if there is a way of reframing this? Why would leaving something that is abusive (as grooming is abuse) mean you are giving up on healing? It would mean the opposite?

It might feel like ending that relationship is painful and takes energy and fight you don't have in you. But it sounds like being in the relationship is taking energy and fight that you don't have.

I do hope you do something that works for you.
Maybe accepting this is how and who she is. She isn't going to change. Accepting that. And then deciding what you want to do in response to that.

Thank you. I really appreciate your replies and I feel much calmer and clearer about things.
I need to work out what I need to get better, somehow, I guess I’ll just keep trying the next thing until I find THE thing that works or combination of things.

Thank you for all replies everyone.

 

[Friday]

Dude. First (second, since she started out as your employer) you said you wanted her as a friend, rather than a therapist. So it makes total sense that she shifted her focus to social. Then? You want her as a therapist, instead of a friend. And are upset that she’s blocked you from her personal life?

This is a cake & eating it, too situation.

She gave you the freedom to choose what role she would be, in your life. And has abided by your wishes. Thus far. Keep pressing for both/all/none (employer, friend, therapist), & I’m going to expect you to be banned from both her practice, personal, & professional lives. Real fast.

ETA… Don’t get me wrong, as I said earlier, she cleeeearly screwed up in taking you on as a client, when she was already your employer, instead of referring you. But your total lack of boundaries, wanting her to be your everything (boss, friend, therapist) is… impressive. Or deeply alarming. Depending on your take. Almost certainly a result of certain kinds of trauma. And needing of far more skilled hands, than she has, to manage. Not being able to afford anyone else, than someone you can sucker into free therapy by way of supposed friendship, does NOT mean she’s the only one that can help you. It means you’ve been deeply traumatized & damaged to see/expect someone to fill those roles without boundaries. Not your fault, confusing roles (and hopeful, that you haven’t tried to sleep with her/her partner; boss, friend, lover, therapist is the next common step of boundary obliteration), but boundaries ARE something you can learn to master. With someone who understands how completely obliterated those lines have become for you.

 

[Deleted member 51804]

I never said I wanted her as just a friend or just a therapist.

I am a young woman with a severe history of sexual abuse, amongst other traumas, why would you suggest I would sleep with my older female therapist or anyone close to her?

You clearly have zero understanding of how she has handled this situation, the ethic she hasn’t stuck by and the harm she has caused and how she withdraws her friendship whenever I’m in crisis and tells me I’m not a good friend because I’m not considering her needs above mine!
Anyone who frequently experiences theirselves getting closer and closer to suicide will understand what a seemingly ‘selfish’ place we can find ourselves and our behaviour when we’re just trying to get help and not drown.
I’ve just wanted her to be all the things she said she was to me.

Thank you for showing me there isn’t help for me here either!

And it wasn’t free therapy, I continued to walk her dog and she stopped paying me and that covered the cost

 

[Sideways]

Thank you for showing me there isn’t help for me here either!

Keep it in perspective - there’s a lot of replies. Not everything is going to resonate with you. Take what’s helpful, leave the rest.

I guess I’m waiting for her to take accountability or give me something that makes me feel I can trust the therapy process.

It’s unlikely this will come from her. At any point.

I don’t feel safe to go to anyone new and I have very little is any support from friends and family.

Yep. Therapy not feeling safe is a common one.

The thing for most of us? The symptoms get unbearable to live to with. The fear is unlikely to go away - but we have to do it anyway.

You seemed to reach a point in January where you were ready to start making real enquires for referrals to genuinely helpful therapies. What went wrong for you that it didn’t play out that way? And what can you do to get back on track with that?

 

[Deleted member 51804]

Clearly I’m not ready to get better.
I just want someone to be my everything and save/rescue me.
So I guess that’s the answer to my question both time on this thread as to what I’m doing wrong.
I take responsibility for that.
Always have.
Just lost sight of it for a while.

 

[Deleted member 51804]

Dude. First (second, since she started out as your employer) you said you wanted her as a friend, rather than a therapist. So it makes total sense that she shifted her focus to social. Then? You want her as a therapist, instead of a friend. And are upset that she’s blocked you from her personal life?

This is a cake & eating it, too situation.

She gave you the freedom to choose what role she would be, in your life. And has abided by your wishes. Thus far. Keep pressing for both/all/none (employer, friend, therapist), & I’m going to expect you to be banned from both her practice, personal, & professional lives. Real fast.

ETA… Don’t get me wrong, as I said earlier, she cleeeearly screwed up in taking you on as a client, when she was already your employer, instead of referring you. But your total lack of boundaries, wanting her to be your everything (boss, friend, therapist) is… impressive. Or deeply alarming. Depending on your take. Almost certainly a result of certain kinds of trauma. And needing of far more skilled hands, than she has, to manage. Not being able to afford anyone else, than someone you can sucker into free therapy by way of supposed friendship, does NOT mean she’s the only one that can help you. It means you’ve been deeply traumatized & damaged to see/expect someone to fill those roles without boundaries. Not your fault, confusing roles (and hopeful, that you haven’t tried to sleep with her/her partner; boss, friend, lover, therapist is the next common step of boundary obliteration), but boundaries ARE something you can learn to master. With someone who understands how completely obliterated those lines have become for you.

Your reply gave me a lot to think about, and I have made some choices as a result that will help me with my independence and although I feel your response shows lack of understanding of my situation (understandable as I’ve only given some of the info) it has been helpful, I am however, curious as to where do you get the impression that I was given freedom of choice over what role she would have in my life? Is there something I haven’t picked up on in this situation?

 

[Friday]

I am however, curious as to where do you get the impression that I was given freedom of choice over what role she would have in my life? Is there something I haven’t picked up on in this situation?

You were afraid of losing her as a friend, if you wanted to discontinue therapy in order to keep her as a friend. (Your OP)

I, pretty much, blasted her for her blurring of boundaries & lack of professional ethics, instead of referring you in the first place. It shows, at best she’s inexperienced & at worst a whole lotta other things.

But? She DID in fact cut you off from therapeutic resource to purely keep you as a friend, once you made known that was your wish.

That’s the freedom of choice.

You wanted her more, as a friend, than a therapist.

So then she acted accordingly.

And you lost your shit.

Clearly, wanting both.

And then devolving to the idea that “only” she can help you. On a planet of 8 billion people. And then pragmatism asserts itself, and worries about not being able to afford anyone in private practice. And “needing” her, specifically.

Fear & Blurred Boundaries ≠ No Choice

You’re making choices, the best way you can, which isn’t wrong.

The hard thing there is that blurred boundaries that “feel” right. Like she “should” fulfill both professional & personal roles… instead of firing you as an employee and blocking you as a friend, IF what you want is to be a client. Or like she “should” keep you as both an employee and friend AND conduct therapy with you. When there is nooooooo way in hell that’s ethical for her, or good for you.

She can fulfill 1:3 roles in your life.

Employer
Friend
Therapist

She let you choose which.

You chose… probably not fully understanding that choice, and have been hurt/insulted by the blowback. Of both of your choices.

 

[Friday]

To put this ^^^ in context a bit, on the “not understanding” front?

I once had an amaaaaazing fun little fling (super sexy, funny, smart, awesome bloke) that I met on the beach. Not just great sex, but a wicked good time. That I didn’t expect to last for longer than the 72 hours we spent together.

Monday morning I show up at my mandated counseling session… and IN WALKS THAT BLOKE. I will never forget the look of shock/horror/fear/surprise on his face. And the “Oh shit. I can’t be your therapist.” As his shoulders slumped and he walked back out, spoke rapidly to someone else, and they walked in.

I’d have been toooooootally FINE with him (super sexy, smart, funny amazing bloke) being my therapist.

He wasn’t.

Because he understood the implications.

I did not.

It took me 10 years, a couple of college degrees, and a helluva lot more life experience before I understood HIS choice. “Oh. Oh THAT’S why!!! “

I’m not trashing you, nor her. Well, her, a bit. As she blurred boundaries in the first place, which (those degrees and experience present) inform my opinion of IDIOTS who take on clients (much less trauma clients) they have a personal connection to. It can be done. With a whole helluva lotta caveats and exemptors in place. In very specific circumstance. None of which were present in your explination of what happened.

SHE? Should have known better. Full stop. Even giving you a choice? Is kinda/sorta iffy to me. Although I can understand in certain contexts, it’s stilL very… iffy. Again.

You? Do not know better. Which is not your fault. The only real question. IMO/IME is IF you want to keep her in your life, in any aspect? Then to very carefully remain within the constrains of X. Instead of XYZ123.

 

[Deleted member 51804]

You were afraid of losing her as a friend, if you wanted to discontinue therapy in order to keep her as a friend. (Your OP)

I, pretty much, blasted her for her blurring of boundaries & lack of professional ethics, instead of referring you in the first place. It shows, at best she’s inexperienced & at worst a whole lotta other things.

But? She DID in fact cut you off from therapeutic resource to purely keep you as a friend, once you made known that was your wish.

That’s the freedom of choice.

You wanted her more, as a friend, than a therapist.

So then she acted accordingly.

And you lost your shit.

Clearly, wanting both.

And then devolving to the idea that “only” she can help you. On a planet of 8 billion people. And then pragmatism asserts itself, and worries about not being able to afford anyone in private practice. And “needing” her, specifically.

Fear & Blurred Boundaries ≠ No Choice

You’re making choices, the best way you can, which isn’t wrong.

The hard thing there is that blurred boundaries that “feel” right. Like she “should” fulfill both professional & personal roles… instead of firing you as an employee and blocking you as a friend, IF what you want is to be a client. Or like she “should” keep you as both an employee and friend AND conduct therapy with you. When there is nooooooo way in hell that’s ethical for her, or good for you.

She can fulfill 1:3 roles in your life.

Employer
Friend
Therapist

She let you choose which.

You chose… probably not fully understanding that choice, and have been hurt/insulted by the blowback. Of both of your choices.

I was never given that choice?
I was told to see her as a therapist in session and as a friend outside of session. And I continued walking her dogs and not recovering the payment I was prior to starting therapy work in order to cover costs.
She never stopped being my therapist.
I’m very confused.