A vent then some questions
I'm only now begining to understand how destructive my symptoms/behaviours have been to my relationships and I mean in all senses of the word relationship; romantic, career, family...
If things get uncomfortable, or boring for me, I retreat and self isolate, I seek distractions and if things get painful I dissociate. I also find that I dissociate in a different way if I'm concentrating on nerdy distractions. my name has to be called several times before I hear it, and I'm "not really there" for sometime after I do respond, for example I won't remember the context of what we were last speaking about. In a work context, I might have an important question for someone, have to wait a short while to speak to them, float off during that wait, and then be completely dsi-orientated whe they are available (I used to get hiddeously embarrassed by that and seek to avoid that person after it had happened).
I can see now, how that came accross to my SOs at the time as me not caring or being moody and un-available, and eventually as abandonment.
I can particularly see the destructive effects on the last two romantic relationships which I was in. One which was heading towards marriage but never made it there, even though we lived together for several years and were extremely close, and one which did get there.
Reflecting on a third romantic relationship where the roles were reversed, gives me some insights. She was a lovely person (and, I don't mean that as a euphemism for physically ugly, IMHO she was v physically attractive as well -even if she strongly disagreed with that assessment) intelligent, kind, the children in the village she lived in all used to swarm around her, and she had an incredible way with animals - she could raise tiny baby birds that neighbours saved from their cats, untill they fledged.
With hindsight, she was dissociating when I first broke the ice to get to know her, I was helping her father shovel fill out of a dump truck into the potholes on a gravel road, she was about 25 feet away, deep in a day dream, until I landed a shovel full of gravel into the muddy puddle right beside her and splashed her.
Her parents had divorced when she was 7, and she had grown up mostly with her mum and grandmother. Her mother was anorexic and with hindsight, a creepy boundary infringer ("We're more like sisters than mother and daughter". "Ooh, I wear R's clothes" yeah, and flirt with her male friends too - yuk!) she'd been physically and emotionally bullied at school, and had lost her grandmother and thought she was going to lose her mother through anorexia as well, the year before we met -
There's more there, but I think you'll get the picture.
She made the early moves, but soon withdrew, and a pattern soon developed of her being there and then withdrawing and me following after her trying to find ways to reach her and to give her confidence a lift when she was experiencing shame and low self esteem.
She'd withdraw, I'd follow, she'd withdraw (be triggered!) further: cycle repeats.
I didn't help that we lived about 100 miles apart, she didn't have a land line phone and this was long before the days of mobiles and the internet (the fast new computer at work was a 386 running DOS!), so communication was by snailmail, and calling by, if no one was in at the house, I'd stick a note through the door and go and sit in the village square (and get swamped with her little fans) while I waited to see if anyone showed up.
I don't think that I have more than average problems with abandonment (might be wrong), but boody hell, I did with her. Still do.
It's frightening to think that my own self isolating behaviours might have resulted in similar distress (or more! the relationships were far longer and deeper) for my other SOs.
anyone still reading? oh well, I'll carry on anyway
Does anyone else who isolates, retreats and freezes up recognize this?
How do you deal with it, or explain it to an SO, that it really isn't anything personal? I've been single and in hermit mode for a few years, and I'm coming out of it now, are some personality styles better at understanding than others, I know it really hurt one lady who has some borderline traits, and brought out the very worst in her.
With help, can you resist or be helped out of the urge to retreat and hide?
I'm only now begining to understand how destructive my symptoms/behaviours have been to my relationships and I mean in all senses of the word relationship; romantic, career, family...
If things get uncomfortable, or boring for me, I retreat and self isolate, I seek distractions and if things get painful I dissociate. I also find that I dissociate in a different way if I'm concentrating on nerdy distractions. my name has to be called several times before I hear it, and I'm "not really there" for sometime after I do respond, for example I won't remember the context of what we were last speaking about. In a work context, I might have an important question for someone, have to wait a short while to speak to them, float off during that wait, and then be completely dsi-orientated whe they are available (I used to get hiddeously embarrassed by that and seek to avoid that person after it had happened).
I can see now, how that came accross to my SOs at the time as me not caring or being moody and un-available, and eventually as abandonment.
I can particularly see the destructive effects on the last two romantic relationships which I was in. One which was heading towards marriage but never made it there, even though we lived together for several years and were extremely close, and one which did get there.
Reflecting on a third romantic relationship where the roles were reversed, gives me some insights. She was a lovely person (and, I don't mean that as a euphemism for physically ugly, IMHO she was v physically attractive as well -even if she strongly disagreed with that assessment) intelligent, kind, the children in the village she lived in all used to swarm around her, and she had an incredible way with animals - she could raise tiny baby birds that neighbours saved from their cats, untill they fledged.
With hindsight, she was dissociating when I first broke the ice to get to know her, I was helping her father shovel fill out of a dump truck into the potholes on a gravel road, she was about 25 feet away, deep in a day dream, until I landed a shovel full of gravel into the muddy puddle right beside her and splashed her.
Her parents had divorced when she was 7, and she had grown up mostly with her mum and grandmother. Her mother was anorexic and with hindsight, a creepy boundary infringer ("We're more like sisters than mother and daughter". "Ooh, I wear R's clothes" yeah, and flirt with her male friends too - yuk!) she'd been physically and emotionally bullied at school, and had lost her grandmother and thought she was going to lose her mother through anorexia as well, the year before we met -
There's more there, but I think you'll get the picture.
She made the early moves, but soon withdrew, and a pattern soon developed of her being there and then withdrawing and me following after her trying to find ways to reach her and to give her confidence a lift when she was experiencing shame and low self esteem.
She'd withdraw, I'd follow, she'd withdraw (be triggered!) further: cycle repeats.
I didn't help that we lived about 100 miles apart, she didn't have a land line phone and this was long before the days of mobiles and the internet (the fast new computer at work was a 386 running DOS!), so communication was by snailmail, and calling by, if no one was in at the house, I'd stick a note through the door and go and sit in the village square (and get swamped with her little fans) while I waited to see if anyone showed up.
I don't think that I have more than average problems with abandonment (might be wrong), but boody hell, I did with her. Still do.
It's frightening to think that my own self isolating behaviours might have resulted in similar distress (or more! the relationships were far longer and deeper) for my other SOs.
anyone still reading? oh well, I'll carry on anyway
Does anyone else who isolates, retreats and freezes up recognize this?
How do you deal with it, or explain it to an SO, that it really isn't anything personal? I've been single and in hermit mode for a few years, and I'm coming out of it now, are some personality styles better at understanding than others, I know it really hurt one lady who has some borderline traits, and brought out the very worst in her.
With help, can you resist or be helped out of the urge to retreat and hide?
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