Sexual Assault Unsure

[anonymous]

So I was assaulted in college and also surrounded by men in my workplace that sexually harrassed me for the first three years of my contract. My roommate's friend is the one who did it and she constantly brought it up to make me feel worse for months. I had really believed it was my fault and then never told anyone until after a year. My family knows and still says dumb things about that women are only rapped because of their actions or looks. She also always makes fun of my looks. I am in therapy now and doing better with my PTSD. But the one thing I do not feel safe to discuss with my therapist is sex and potentially orientation.

I was raised in a very strict conservative home and raised baptist. Was taught that sex was bad and only for married people and that if I didn't wait I would go to hell. I was molested in HS from another student. Nothing was done and spent the remainder of my senior watching him stalk me, chase me, and try to follow me into the women's room. Luckily the door could be locked but always felt trapped for a long time. Then the harassment started at work followed by the assualt and more harassment. Then after a while I found this guy. We became engaged and he knew about my past. Then 5 months later was when I finally discovered the PTSD. He became very determined to 'fix' me and would get angry if I wasn't improving. The sex was not all that great and he sometimes triggered me. After a while he stopped caring and then purposefully triggered me until I left. I left and have been doing better.

But where I am stuck and lost is about sex in general. I've only been with my ex and the attacker. Sometimes I get curious about women but am afraid due to my upbringing. However, I am scared of pretty much all males especially when comes to being intimate. I do not know where to identify myself and find myself wanting it more and more but am to afraid to go out with anyone. It is so frustrating. I want to be able to enjoy it. I want to be able to enjoy myself too. But I feel like I can't accept pleasure from anyone and hate my body but feel safer with the weight on because I do not get as much attention to my body so maybe I won't be attacked again.

How do I get out of this vicious cycle and how do I find myself in general? Would love your feedback because I do not feel comfortable to talk with anyone face to face and hate making eye contact after letting someone in that close.

 

[Friday]

While there is some truth with the weight thing... I've mostly found it to be 99% bearing/attitude, not actual appearance. Meaning:

I need to get laid so badly right now I'm going round the bend. When I'm like this? ZOMG. I don't know what I'm putting out there, but there are generally 3-4 opportunities a day. So I lock my durn self in the house. Ugh! I could really kick something right now.

When I'm not interested? At all? Even if I'm doing myself up to the 9s for aesthetics, or a disgusting mess out on the trail (what is it with men and hitting on women when we look our worst???) maybe 1 or 2 a month. If I'm desperate (different than craving sex, which is where I'm at at the moment.) it's even worse. 1 or 2 every few months.

I'm not only not pretty, but this ratio has held true regardless of whether I'm cadaverous thin, model thin, athletic, a bit fluffy, or 100lbs overweight. Seriously. 3-4 a day to 1-2 every few months, depending entirely on my mood/ bearing/ demeanor. If I think I'm unappealing? I am. I don't need to be hugely overweight or grossly underweight. Neither is an effective barrier against friendly attention. The effective barrier against friendly attention is my own attitude.

((I think this is in part where the reverse logic comes in with rape. Almost everyone who's ever catted about / been on the prowl knows that you can generally find what you're looking for. So they want to reverse logic that and say "if you found it, you were looking for it" :rolleyes: Reverse logic does not work. Just because sick people take pills, it does not follow that if you don't take pills you won't get sick! But people jsut love reverse logic for some reason. Eedjits.))

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As far as sexual orientation? I would suggest looking into a college level Sex & Sexuality course. Seriously fascinating. The sheer number of ways that people have combined ourselves, both present day in various cultures, as well as historically??? Mind blowing. The whole 1 man 1 woman thing is exceptionally new. It's not only almost never been this way (even biblically, that wasn't the norm), but many if not most cultures throughout history have recognized more than 2 sexes/genders. 3-5 is the more common number, historically. But even in cultures that only recognized 2? Have this huge spectrum of "normal". Even the Romans, who were responsible for a huge amount of antipathy towards bisexuality in early christiandom (they really didn't like the Greeks, and opposite sex marriage + same sex lover was the norm in Ancient Greece). Then you've got all the modern Kinsey's & sex research... Seriously fascinating stuff.

The reason why I suggest looking at the problem academically is distance. Also, education is great, but primarily distance. As a way to look at your own sexual identity / sexuality with a different part of your brain. Knowing more won't change who you are, but it can give you different lenses in which to look at yourself through.

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Personally, just cause we're sharing ;) (and sex isn't a difficult thing for me to talk about) I'm fairly middle of the road bisexual. I find men and women about equally delicious on a carnal level. I have a very strong preference for men, however. Not in any way related to my sexuality. I tend to like the way their minds work better than most women's. Sexuality, sexual identity... Isn't all about bodies. It can be, I suppose. But a whole lot of other factors, at least in my experience, come into play.

 

[anonymous]

Thank you for your response! I appreciate it. What if the class is triggering and I fail or can't focus on other classes?

 

[Friday]

I would suggest auditing it. Means you only make a token payment, if anything (a lot of audits are free), and none of the work is required.

As far as triggery? Eh. I'm sure it will be, either in content or more likely the other students saying stupid things. Not really sure if that's a bad thing, per se. Don't know if it would be a good thing, either.

 

[anonymous]

This been very hard on me and I have been struggling with this to the point of suicidal thoughts. It has been very stressful. I have called my friends tonight but still am hurting. I finally couldn't handle it anymore so I resorted to drinking. I need to numb out and can't handle it anymore.I do not want to die but the thoughts are horrible today.

 

[Lost214]

I too had a childhood where most everything was sinful and gonna land you in hell. Really messes with your mind and your sexuality. You are conflicted and how you were raised is likely a big part of this. I'm curious to know if you share the beliefs of your upbringing? Personally it sounds to me that you are around some unhealthy and very non-supportive people. Does your therapist know the things that are said to you? I'd think that it would be suggested you end those relationships and if that's not possible limit your time subjected to them. Also make sure you connect with your therapist. That can take time for you to develop trust but if you don't get there look till you find one. And find one who specializes in trauma, ptsd.
As for finding yourself, don't put too much in that. Try learning what feels good and makes you feel at peace, your likes and dislikes. Love yourself and value who you are. Surround yourself with others that love and value you. You'll find yourself as you evolve and grow, can't put a timeline on it.

 

[anonymous]

My therapist is great. I have been able to trust her on most levels just not this topic. I had unsupportive folks in my life. Can't completely cut off family yet. I have found new friends that I trust just none I want to talk about this with.

I still share some of my parents beliefs but not all. I found a church I like now that is way different from theirs. So at times it's hard to separate those beliefs and my mother's words.

 

[Anarchy]

Hi Anon,
Orientation is a bit of a misnomer for some people. I tend to think of it as a spectrum. There's a lot of grey in the middle, and I'm not sure if it ever does go wholly black or wholly white at the ends. There's the old joke that the difference between a straight man and a bisexual is about 3 pints of beer. I don't know what it is for the ladies.

What you go for and what your appetite for it is, are very individual, and vary all the time.

Regarding Friday's suggestion of a college course, there are some introductory lectures up on youtube, for example Robert Sapolsky, at Stanford.

If you do decide to try girls, there's no reason for anyone else (other than your GFs) to know, I have a friend who had a full time lesbian relationship for the 5 years her and she friend were at college together, and I don't think anyone else spotted it. Having a gay male couple as friends can work as good cover for all of you - after all, with two straight couples, the two males and two females are often deep in their own seperate conversations.

As for how your relationship with your G-d affects all of this - people have a nasty habit of making G-d in their own image, whether as a despotic middle eastern dictator, as a miserable New England puritan, or as an OCD post mil pietist (didn't Jesus turn water into wine - it was the post mils who declared wine "sinful" and murdered people in the name of prohibiting it), and how the hell are other people supposed to have a better idea of what he / she likes and dislikes than you are?

I don't think it's an accident or oversight (if the deity is all knowing and all powerful - how could he/ she make an oversight?) that men are capable of orgasm from anal sex or that clitorisez are in the right place to be rubbed against external things, or that those parts are in the most convenient and comfortable place to put your hands.

final point, whether a woman experiences orgasms depends more on her, her state of mind and her skill, than it depends on who she's with - well, within limits it does.

 

[Recovery4Me]

1)

This been very hard on me and I have been struggling with this to the point of suicidal thoughts.

*Not a comfort zone nor safety zone.

2)

But the one thing I do not feel safe to discuss with my therapist is sex and potentially orientation.

*Not a comfort zone as of yet however communicating/verbalizing during therapy will be much "safer" than self medicating (drinking) and the quote #1.

~~~~

I am glad you opened up on the forum. It took courage and there are wonderful supportive folks here! I am also sorry that you are in such pain. :hug::hug:

So this is from my heart with full empathy as well as concern. There are many options in therapy, but you must muster up & offer the therapist a chance to help you if you are considering self harm or at the very least keep a suicide prevention number on hand...please...because you matter. Fight for the right to want more for yourself than considering suicide.

Think on a way, e-mail to the therapist, looking down on the floor during the therapy session while holding a comfort object, hand a letter to the therapist offering your boundaries (thus far) in order to feel safe. Devise perhaps, a safety word with your therapist that will allow the subject to cease that subject for the moment or session. Therapist can assist you with learning techniques to slow down the anxiety or recommend prescriptions to temporary and perhaps more safely do what you are doing with your substance abuse. Little steps to the road of recovery or healing.

Just in the moment, believe you can empower yourself to a better way and a better life.

 

[anonymous]

Thank you! I made it through the night and did not get as drunk as I thought I would. This is the first time in a while where I could not handle it or calm myself down. Normally I avoid the alcohol but wasn't strong enough. I called a friend who's on the opposite side of the country. She calmed me down and did frequent checks until I was asleep. I have a local friend who will be taking my pistol out of the house to remove any temptations and luckily she didn't ask questions.

Thanks for reaching out to me. I can't thank you enough. This is just overwhelming and new. I feel like I don't know who I am anymore and it's scary. I am afraid to act on these feelings and honestly wouldn't know where to start if I wanted to. I hate not being comfortable in my own skin or recognizing myself.

I will try to talk to my T about it. She knows that I sometimes struggle with harmful thoughts but yesterday was probably the worst it's been in a while. I just am not comfortable with the orientation talk. It was bad enough going full detail with the assualt story.

 

[Lost214]

One minute at a time ;)