Quit Therapy

[raking72]

I am quitting therapy. I cancelled my appointment last week. Actually, I begged my boyfriend to call and cancel it for me because I was terrified of doing it myself. I don't like confrontation or arguments or anything like that. My boyfriend was with me at my last appointment and they had gotten into a huge argument (my boyfriend says it wasn't an argument but it felt like one to me). My 45 min appointment lasted nearly 3 hours. The last hour and a half of it was them going back and forth. I was so shaken up I felt sick to my stomach and had a terrible migraine. My face was going numb and tingly and was disoriented. I thought I was having a stroke. Today would normally be the day I have therapy but I haven't rescheduled an appointment with her. It will be 2 weeks in a row since I have not had therapy. I can't even get the courage to call her and tell her that I am quitting. I just know I never want to go back. I have been a mess lately and it is only getting worse. I know what I need to do but I can't bring myself to do it.

 

[joeylittle]

The last hour and a half of it was them going back and forth. I was so shaken up I felt sick to my stomach and had a terrible migraine.

That's just awful. Do you think you can go, just to do a wrap-up session at least, and maybe process some of that? Or was your therapist doing things that made you upset?

 

[BigBear]

I worry that your BF was having the argument. The therapy is supposed to be for you. My therapist would have never let that happen. I would suggest not giving up on therapy. My wife must have gone through 10 therapists before she found a good one.

Bear

 

[raking72]

My therapist didn't do anything that upset me. It was my boyfriend having an argument with her. I don't like going without my boyfriend. It is really hard for me to talk about my past. I used to be able to talk very vaguely about my past with her but now that she wants more details it has been harder. I can't talk about it without him there, and I can't talk about it alone with him either. But it's easier for me if they are both there. I know it doesn't make sense, but that is just what I am most comfortable with right now. It all started with my boyfriend said that she keeps bringing up subjects that were put to rest months ago. He had cheated on me when we first started dating which is partly my own fault. It's a long and messed up situation that involves my ex. He also feels like everything he does is always wrong to her no matter what he does to try to support me. Like when she asked him what he likes about me his answer was that I am selfless and always go all out to try to please my family and my friends. She said that is not a good quality to have and that he shouldn't encourage it because people who are like that tend to not have any self esteem. Which is true about me, thanks to my ex I have zero self esteem. I just don't want to be put in that situation again. I don't want to go without my boyfriend but if I go again then it could very likely happen because I know he doesn't like her.

 

[Lucycat]

My 45 min appointment lasted nearly 3 hours.

That sounds unprofessional. The therapist should not have allowed it to continue for so long. Even if they were in a heated debate it should have been brought to a close at the appropriate time and arranged a further time to continue the discussion if needed.

I wonder what was the purpose of your boyfriend being there?

 

[scout86]

How long have you been seeing her and what kind of relationship did you have before that last session?

It sounds like things got WAY out of hand and it was her job to notice that and do something about it. She also should have been paying attention to what was going on with you during the discussion. (Everyone makes mistakes. Maybe this was "just" a mistake, but that kind of thing shouldn't happen often.)

I would think that some kind of closure would help YOU, but I also think SHE needs to know what happened and why. And she needs your version, not your bf's version. If for no other reason than so she doesn't let it happen again. There are a lot of posts on here about quitting therapy. (At least one of them is mine!) Sometimes quitting is the right thing to do. But, for the most part, that kind of quitting isn't something that comes up all of a sudden after one bad session. There are things to be learned from dealing with this kind of stuff, even if it IS hard.

Can you email her?

 

[joeylittle]

oh, wow, @raking72. Your situation sounds really challenging and complicated. As much as I can, I would encourage you to go without your boyfriend. The dynamic you are describing might be more comforting for you, to have him there - but I don't think it's going to help you with your recovery. He doesn't get to say that things in the past are over and done. It's your past, whether he was in it or not, and you need time for you. Couples counseling is a different thing.

 

[Jane.l]

It sounds like your therapy has become about their relationship. Taking your boyfriend is going to be pointless if he resents your T - it will create tension and added stress for you that is not what you should be dealing with

 

[Wounded Scribe]

Is there someone else, you feel safe with that can accompany you? If the conflict was between your boyfriend and the therapist, perhaps another trusted person could go with you as support? I can appreciate not going to therapy alone, it scares me.

 

[Seasounds]

My opinionated two-cents worth:

• I'm sorry for your increased trauma, after going to a therapy session with your mate.
• By in large, I've found that therapists either don't have sufficient training or skills in providing a 'protective function' (I.e. noticing when the interaction is causing damage in one or both of the couple members, and either slowing down or stopping the interchange-to regroup, provide support, and give suggestions on how to communicate without inflicting damage on the other, etc.).
• Instead, the therapist sits back, in overwhelm themselves, or in fear of being seen as biased-in helping the person who is showing signs of being overwhelmed (usually both partners are, but one is better at showing the signs).
• The damage is really a 'whole systems' dynamic (inclusive of reedy one), and could be used as a great bi-party neutral learning moment, of patterns, of language, and of making new ways of interacting.
• If you liked your therapist for individual counseling, perhaps you could, solely, continue that.
• A mediation counselor, or in the Non-violent Communication community, they provide individual support for both couple members, while resolving conflicts. Often times there are free into classes, people learn how to communicate to themselves and to others, in ways that promote dialogue and problem solving, without injuring themselves or others.
• With compassion to yourself, and to build confidence in speaking up, you could find it a useful choice to, as you have planned, to not go back to your therapist, or to share your need of more support. If you choose to share anger, which could be a breakthrough for you, be aware that it may burn your bridge with the T.
• If you want to continue, you could consider sharing your anger in "I statements" (e. g. "I felt sad you didn't help me", etc).
• Sadly, I had a past therapist who thought it was useful let couples argue, to really see the couple dynamic. Personally, I don't think this is ethical, after the moment, the T sees one of the couple members get overwhelmed. It is the duty of the T to create an environment that does not worsen their client's condition.
• (And repeating myself, having suffered from the same problem, therapists don't often get trained to intervene soon enough.
• I quit the couples therapist and returned to an individual T, used Non-violent Communication classes, and Alanon groups. They all teach skills to step out of the way, when verbal violence comes your way, and they teach how to cultivate peaceful relationships-learning self-awareness, and self-change, as the only factors you can rely upon.

Good luck!

 

[whserenitynluv]

You seem to want to blame you ex for your life's crises. Maybe it would be a good idea to take a look at not being a victim. You have choices and are a grown up. My choices brought me here, I chose to be here. I didn't chose some of my abuse, but if I live there and keep thinking it is my ex, I wo my grow. I had a time were I went around to try and get sympathy from people making them believe it was my ex, but they didn't believe me. Yes my ex was abusive, and he won't admit it one it. The truth is I left him, and now I am here and I am safe. I chose to leave and get my power back. I have had times when I took a backstep, but come right back to myself, and what I can do. No longer do I say to anyone that it was his fault. I cannot stay in that way of thinking otherwise my flashes don't stop, and I get worse remembering the awful things he did, especially mentally. Hope that helps

 

[scout86]

He had cheated on me when we first started dating which is partly my own fault

I tend to see that kind of statement as sort of a red flag. First, it concerns me that he cheated on you to begin with. Unless it was a situation where there was confusion over the nature of your relationship where he, somehow, didn't see it as cheating." More than that, no one is EVER responsible for what someone else decides to do. He's an adult. He made a choice. Unless you held a gun to his head and forced him to cheat, I can't imagine how his choice could be any amount of your fault. Some people who want to control other people use this approach though. ("I wouldn't have hit you if you hadn't provoked me!" for example.)

I don't know your situation and I don't know either you or your BF. What I do know is that patterns, both good and bad, are common in human relationships. People who lack self esteem tend to get involved with people who don't WANT them to have self esteem. People who tend to be narcissistic, or bullies, gravitate towards relationships with people who lack self esteem because it's easy to get what they want with someone who doesn't think they have any self worth of their own. Knowing this pattern is really common, maybe that accounts for some of the tension between your T and your BF. (Your T may be wondering if that's what this BF is like too.) When your BF shows up at therapy with you, it's easy to take THAT as a sign of him being controlling too. Whether he is or not.

What kinds of things DOES he do to support you?