All Mixed Up

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I haven't started a thread in a while because I am tired of "complaining". But I am shaking right now and I really don't know what to do. I "talked" on the phone with my therapist for an hour tonight. I say "talked" because most of the time I struggled to get words out or it was a different part that took over. A part that was not very safe last night, but has promised to be safe tonight so that is good.

The real issue is that I have started shutting down in therapy. I have a really good relationship with my therapist so that is not the issue. The issue is that I have come to a point where I know a huge barrier that I need to deal with but I can't talk about it. Two years ago my husband came close to dying and that is at the heart of my struggle.

After an hour of being on the phone and struggling to say what was on my mind, I gave up and then to my surprise started crying. I then hung up on my therapist. That is not very characteristic of me. I then got scared that she would think that I was in danger so I had my husband call her and tell her that I was okay (physically that is quite true).

Now I feel completely ridiculous and ashamed. How will I face her in session on Thursday? And why do I always have to feel alone?

 

[mrsps]

you will be fine to face her on Thursday. Like you said you have a good relationship with her so she will understand. She wont want you to feel awkward or nervous about going to see her.

 

[racheldiane]

Your T is going to be understanding and kind about the struggles you are going through. It isn't ridiculous or shameful to have a panic attack/episode in front of her, that's what she's there for! If anything, this may be beneficial for your therapy since she saw you like this, if you've been 'shutting down' (correct me if I'm wrong, usually I use this phrase to mean dissassociating or avoiding a subject, or acting like things are okay because I don't know how to deal with it-- you might mean something totally different) it will be good for her to see what is going on with you so that she can be more helpful. When this used to happen to me in therapy, I would 'shut down' and say, "Yeah, it was an okay week, nothing happened really" and we'd talk about something unrelated to whatever was bothering me. Then I'd 'explode' in a later session and as a result we would get to the root of the problem. Usually this was very helpful for me, and I left the session feeling better than how I felt when I was 'shut down.'
I hope things go well with your therapist on Thursday. Know that you always have a support system here and we don't think you're whining. :hug:

 

[darrenS]

if we showed our therapist our best behavior at all times - theyd think we were nuts

 

[Chava]

Ditto your therapist will understand. Tell her you are feel like you are shutting down...and together you can slow the process down or find creative ways to work together or deal with the feelings without talking. My hands "talked" for my pain and disconnection today. I could not say much. But I think it went well. When you shut down, do you mean you just can't speak? What might help you not shut down? Write? Draw? Use movement or gestures? Or can you focus on just feeling safe and grounded at this time?

 

[Intrepid]

It used to be that I would try to get the words out for 50 minutes of a therapy session, then when it was time to go I'd go into a flashback, or start crying, or have a panic attack. Something about having the session over really triggered me. She got used to letting me sit there an extra 15 minutes to get it all out, or to calm down.

 

[desiderata310]

I have the same problem with TALKING. My therapist and I have devised a strange sort of set up. I write about the previous session and email him and he responds during the next session. I try to respond but mostly wind up writing more. Can't seem to get any words out. Not the most effective way of dealing with things but it works.

My therapist keeps telling me he has 'seen it all'. It doesn't stop me from getting stressed about our next session when I have a bad time and wind up texting him or when I wrote and admitted that I had been cutting. He also keeps telling me 'it's ok'. I at least want to believe those responses.

My anxiety about being IN therapy prompted my therapist to shorten my sessions to 45 minutes instead of 60. He said all I seem to be able to handle is 45 before I my anxiety is just too much for the session.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

@darrenS - good point- that made me laugh.

When you shut down, do you mean you just can't speak? What might help you not shut down? Write? Draw? Use movement or gestures? Or can you focus on just feeling safe and grounded at this time?

I mean I stop talking, don't acknowledge my therapist's questions or comments, and sometimes it means dissociating. I usually can write. I can't seem to do that this time. I have a part that will shut me down- that's her job, to shut any part down that seems unsafe. Usually she will write or I can write, but not so much this time. I feel so silly, too, because I know my therapist is probably picturing some huge secret coming out, but it's really quite simple. I think working on feeling safe (would take forever), but would be useful to work a little more on right now. Good suggestion.

@Intrepid - I have had similar experiences where things come pouring out at the end of our sessions.

Thank you all for responding and sharing your thoughts. That was very helpful to wake up to this morning.

 

[ButterflyBean]

I'm so so sorry I wasn't around to help you last night! I'm glad to tried to talk to her. You wrote the secret to your struggle here, so can you give her this post? PM me if you need/want to... I'm here and I know therapy is hard!

 

[RussH]

J, please do be afraid to post here; we will not think you are complaining. The forum is here for us to post about our frustrations and struggles. So post as often as you need to, and we will be here to support you.
Can it be your crying was actually a small break through for you.
I can also tell you that your therapist will be very acccepting of you when you arrive for your appointment.
Best to you my friend.