Controlling Reactions To Avoid Escalating Abuse

[shimmerz]

It's not that I feel "I" don't matter, but more narrowly my "wants" don't matter.

OMG this is so it for me! Thank you @ghotiff!

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes when one feels (believes) they don't matter, needs don't really count & even 'wants' are hard to either come by or accept as valid or entitled to have.

Then there's even the added progression of negatives that they are not only incidental but you see yourself as burdensome, to have them or exist.

Mind you, I have to work on that. :sorry: :) :hug:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I still freeze when I am cornered or caught off guard. I really need to learn to connect with the real me when these things happen.

Great thread.

 

[RussH]

My problem is when I am at a place whre I feel I cannot fight back, then I tend to just take the abuse and try to weather the storm, and that ultimately is not good for me.
@Lionheart777 I truly hope you realize now that you do matter. You really do.
I also feel like I don't matter. I know intellectually that I do, but deep down I don't believe it yet. My abusers taught me well.

 

[Notsowild]

I was always fighting back with my abusive father. Even as a child I knew what he was doing was so wrong. I don't know what it was because I was the shy quiet child. Partly I think was protecting my younger sisters. No one else was going to do it. Fighting back against a grown man was futile though as I just got more abused. The times I would just give in made me feel ashamed. Wow I hated writing that. It brought back a lot of awful memories.

 

[shimmerz]

Partly I think was protecting my younger sisters.

This is when I change into someone else altogether. I can protect others by using my words and actions.

I am trying to picture my little child needing protection and that seems to be helping. First I pictured my grown children when they were little and have now started to transfer using a picture of myself so that hopefully I can transfer to big me.

 

[RussH]

I can protect others by using my words and actions.

Sounds like you and I are cut from the same cloth. I can defend others, I just seem to have trouble defending myself. I think it is easier for me to see that others don't deserve the abuse, but perhaps I think for some reason that I do deserve it.

 

[Suzetig]

I still freeze when I am cornered or caught off guard. I really need to learn to connect with the real me when these things happen..

This is me too, the abuse has really affected how I see myself, which in turn affects how I let people treat me. That, and generally being scared witless when someone gets really angry or shows displeasure.

 

[shimmerz]

but perhaps I think for some reason that I do deserve it.

For myself, I don't think (but who knows for sure) that I don't deserve it but instead it feels more like a belief (based on sound historical events) that I am not capable of defending myself. I do feel deserving but because the lesson on self defense was thrown on me over and over again from birth, I learned that it wasn't possible to defend myself. My teddy bear, on the other hand, I would protect at a high cost of my own physical well being. Oh to be young again.....(not).

 

[ghotiff]

I am trying to picture my little child needing protection

I have tried to do this but I don't have good feelings about my younger self and thinking about "her" can make me angry at her for not making it stop.

Any thoughts on trying to change this?

 

[Chava]

I only have one memory of "fighting back" and it didn't go well.

Me too. I also learned not to care. I've gone from having no boundaries to just isolating myself a lot. I'm sure that's not the answer, but part of myself wants to be protected and I want to have boundaries...so I think that's good, but I don't know how else to do it. I don't trust people and I don't even enjoy being around others very much...probably just because I've felt so physically pained or exhausted in recent years. Lots of layers. But I think not being able to have my own body boundaries or clear sense of self when young was a pretty big problem.

I could never fight back, but I ran away a couple times. To a point, that's what I still do in my isolation and living outside of town. I feel like I've gone MIA quite often. I recently told my therapist that I think when good boundaries weren't possible my only option was to run away. When I'm having a meltdown I feel like selling my house and running somewhere else. I have to feel not trapped in any way. If I can't feel boundaries I have to be able to hide...or run or get away.

 

[shimmerz]

Yes, I understand this. I abhorred my 'little self' because she could never get away. I always (I almost wrote 'she' and not 'I') ended up trapped in a corner. Eventually I would run to the corner and 'play dead' so they would leave me alone. I was under 2 years old. I had to forgive myself for that. That was not easy to get to.

I did it by focusing on how it was to raise my children. I pictured them in the same position and it was easy to understand how one so young was simply not capable of escaping. I then tried to apply that to me by asking myself 'what made me so special that I should have expected me to escape when I wouldn't expect the same of others'. Then I wrapped it around to 'what makes me feel that I need to step in to protect others if I truly feel that we should all be completely self sufficient when it comes to being bullied'.

I then dared to dream that if my big self had been there she would not have stood by and watched my little self being abused without doing whatever I could do protect me. I trusted that this wasn't about me and my character. It was all about the nature of being too small. My character is one of protecting and defending others, my little one too as I attempted to protect my teddy. Once I recognized that core piece in myself I understood that my little self deserved compassion.

It is ridiculous how often I have had to correct writing 'she' with 'I' - but i am getting there!