Controlling Reactions To Avoid Escalating Abuse

[ghotiff]

In my last thread it was so validating to here that others as children had to control their reactions to avoid abuse getting worse.

I only have one memory of "fighting back" and it didn't go well. I've always had some self blame because the media states that you should say "no". Well, my discomfort and wanting it to stop is what my second abuser enjoyed so I didn't say "no", at least certainly not every time.

This connects in with my struggle to truly understand boundaries. As a child my boundaries were regularly crossed and if I "cared" then it would be worse, so I think I learnt to not "care". It's easier to convince yourself that it doesn't matter (that it's happening) than successfully hide how much you hate it. Maybe this is why I struggle to not minimize it?

Again I'm not quite sure were I'm going with this thought process. I welcome input. Thanks for reading.

 

[Jane.l]

I think it is far more common for the freeze response to kick in than the fight response and that is often the safest way to survive but it's hard to come to terms with, I struggle with it too but our brain did what was best for us at the time.

Just thought I guess the freeze response extends to emotions and 'caring' too - it's kind of hard to think about when it feels so numb in some ways but brings up such massive anxiety .

 

[Pencil]

I went through exactly the same thing ghotiff. A boundary violation was their right, and setting a boundary became twisted into a violation THEIR rights, which was somehow a serious offense and was punishable by their law.

 

[Lionheart]

I learned to "numb out" to avoid escalating physical abuse and this carried over to the sexual abuse as well.

I learned "not to care" because any emotional reaction was met with an increase in abuse, so I pretended not to care and eventually convinced myself that it didn't matter.

Soon the belief that "it" didn't matter became the ingrained belief that 'I didn't matter' and this is probably an accurate statement in a sense because my welfare did not matter to the abuse perps. I think in this way I learned it was a good idea to "abandon" myself mentally/emotionally in an effort to survive.

I even learned to punish myself for having feelings, especially sexual feelings and anger. It was so unsafe for me to feel these things that it generalized and carried over into my adult life. At least this is my theory on it, ...hope something I've said is helpful.

 

[Jane.l]

@Lionheart777 that was REALLY helpful to me thank you - I totally relate.

 

[shimmerz]

I learned to become completely quiet. I care, very deeply but am extremely controlled. I won't make a peep if someone attacks me in any way. I am learning to separate and to create small boundaries - to trust that I can safely do so without my life being threatened. Slowly...but it is making a very large difference in my life and leading to quantum shifts.

Healthy or not, in the end I have realized if people cannot accept my words that I walk away. It is a huge leap of faith for me.

 

[shell]

I learnt not to run or to be angry, sullen or resentful, and to accept my treatment for resisting was futile, it would intensifiy the length and viciousness of the attacks, and the length of time I would be locked up or locked out of the house. I learnt to freeze, numb and dissociate.

I learnt from an early age, no-one was going to protect me, no-one was going to save me, and that they believed I was responsible for making them harm me.

When I was raped I froze, and when I was sexually assalted last year, I didn't even react until hours after the event when I had a complete melt down, it's almost like it didn't register what really happening as if it were just a dream and it wasn't real. It was only when another incident later that day brought up that same feeling of being trapped and powerless that all the feelings that I had suppressed at the time of danger came flooding out.

 

[risingsun]

've always had some self blame because the media states that you should say "no"

You were a child so whether or not you said no is totally beside the point. You were an innocent child.

It's easier to convince yourself that it doesn't matter (that it's happening) than successfully hide how much you hate it.

That is totally understandable. You had to cope somehow. You did the best you could with the knowledge and emotional maturity that you had at that time.

And now its your time to take that power back inside your spirit, to feel your inner strength and beauty and to forgive yourself for that which was NEVER your fault to begin with. Warmest to You, Rising Sun.

 

[Tinyflame]

.. eventually convinced myself that it didn't matter.

Soon the belief that "it" didn't matter became the ingrained belief that 'I didn't matter' and my welfare did not matter..

I think that makes sense. :wideeyed: Very true.

 

[Tinyflame]

Even as an adult, one has to be very careful sometimes of responses & enforcing boundaries, without escalating things. Some times the safest/ best choice is to leave if possible.

And this stuff takes practice.

:hug:

 

[Suzetig]

@Lionheart777 you've just explained beautifully something that I've really struggled to articulate in therapy. I may steal part of your post for therapy next week cos it captures exactly how I've come to have such poor self opinion.

 

[ghotiff]

Thanks everyone. I need to process a bit more.

@Lionheart777 that was so well said.

Some subtle differences for me. It's not that I feel "I" don't matter, but more narrowly my "wants" don't matter. And in regard to "punishing" for me it's more self talk that if I feel something I immediately tell myself off for feeling something and convince myself it's not important (ie that it doesn't matter and I don't care).

The problem is that you can argue that everything doesn't matter. Eg in 100years no one will know or care what happened....wow....I just realized it is that "I" don't matter because if it doesn't affect anyone else, it doesn't count....ouch.