Everything I Own Is Going

[digger]

Did I fight like a rabid animal for all of this just to give it all away? What was the point?

Perhaps the point was, for it to be yours to choose to give away?

 

[shimmerz]

This is a most excellent point @digger. I am trying to process that as you reminded me of it right now. When I left the house of horrors I had the clothes I was wearing, my purse and 1 extra shirt from the dry cleaners. The feeling of freedom from all encumbrances that I felt at that time was euphoric. It wasn't until I realized that I would not be allowed to get even a warm coat from the house until months after it turned cold did the realization of what I had been dealing with hit me (very much like @Dana1010 describes in her posting on sociopaths). It is like being hit by a mack truck. Perhaps it was that very realization - the betrayal, my stupidity, the principle and so many other very bad emotions that had me get stuck into what I call 'the thing game'.

And perhaps, just perhaps, I can visualize that euphoric feeling again and picture that I am choosing the 'thing game' to be over and done with for good. I allowed myself to wrap the things into my psyche. His poison because he was all about things. Yes....that too I can work with. The things are not him. Him are not the things. I have never been about the things.

The 'thing game' will be the focus here. Euphoria here we come. Gulp. :confused:

 

[StellaBlue]

And perhaps, just perhaps, I can visualize that euphoric feeling again and picture that I am choosing the 'thing game' to be over and done with for good. I allowed myself to wrap the things into my psyche. His poison because he was all about things. Yes....that too I can work with. The things are not him. Him are not the things. I have never been about the things.

This. Yes.

 

[Recovery4Me]

I just don't know what I am asking here and maybe nobody can understand, I don't know. All I know is that I feel alone and naked and vulnerable and like everyone else has won.

Dearest of shimmering souls:hug:,
I have been exactly at that place, stalked by an x-H as well. I haven't read everyone's post so I may repeat some things but here is what I learned for me:

*I grieved the material objects but after a little time I felt freer and started with a new me.

*As I sat and considered the beautiful moments spent in that area...I realized I would start a new adventure.

* I also realized that the constant in life is my heart and soul in each scenario and that my Higher Power (God) was guiding my journey as I survived the enemy to begin peace & share love but again.

Once during that time, my son and I were on the phone (long distance) and he exclaimed,"But all you have left is you, my love and God!"
He was quite shaken and meant it in empathetic sadness....but in that moment, I suddenly realized how rich I was. I had all I needed to be free from terror and build a chapter in my life with promise.

So I send all my heart to wrap you in a little warmth during this challenging time and extra hugs to let you know, how many blessings and delights that you may yet discover in the phoenix of your life. Prayers and light sent your way.

 

[shimmerz]

I also realized that the constant in life is my heart and soul in each scenario and that my Higher Power (God) was guiding my journey as I survived the enemy to begin peace & share love but again.

As I survived the enemy to begin peace and share love - yes this is me. So when @Pencil spoke about 'me' and I said I didn't know who 'me' was, this is the one thing that I am certain is 'me'. Nobody has been able to take it from me yet.

@StellaBlue , yes. This. Thank you for the reminder and the validation.

I am looking at piles of things to stay and to go. I am getting more to the place now that all must go. That I want all to go. Because 'me' never really cared.

I can't tell you all how much I appreciate each and every one of you. Seriously.

 

[Pencil]

The title of my (abandoned) diary is 'The things that bind me to myself', based on one line in the blurb of a highly forgettable novel, which went: '..in the far flung reaches of the psyche, where the things that bind us to ourselves endure'. I found that line hauntingly beautiful, for I new then that the real things, the things that bind me to myself have always endured, for they are inviolable. And they become far flung in order to endure - we know (our spirit knows) to push them out of the way so they won't get trampled, and they remain utterly private. For me it has been a process of bringing them closer. I hope that with this stuff out of the way, you'll have space for those things that are truly yours - and You.

 

[NIKI]

Don't you see that you're letting go of HIM? Or rather, cutting the threads that still bound you to him?

Pencil... LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this!

Shimmerz, YOU are the one deciding to rid yourself of these things. HE has no power over you or what you decide to do with them. It's all you, girl. Congratulations!

 

[shimmerz]

Okay, got my hair done today. I live in a small town (so small that people a mile away don't know the name of it) in Ontario. I go into my hair dresser. She touches up my dye job (cause I am old), cuts my hair shorter than I wanted (I guess because old people are supposed to do that) and then hands me the mirror and states she made my hair look 'SOOOO California'. lol. What a small town chick from Ontario (she is so nice so I am just teasing), knows about what SOOOO California hair looks like I am not sure. So those of you who happen to run across a chick who looks SOOOO California as I may well be driving through your state, stop her and ask her if 'Shimmerz" rings a bell, will ya? lol. If this 'adventure' is anything like how my hair looks right now I had best search for a gun immediately. OMG I look SOOOOO old right now.

 

[Recovery4Me]

LOL...I can relate but I bet you look fabulous! :hug: Depending on what part of CA. you move to...everything goes and no one even cares. So relax and enjoy the adventure.;) It is much different than Ontario (I lived both places...for one...it is so much warmer.:p I am excited for you.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

When my husband died a little over a year ago, me and my daughter decided that I should live with her and I got rid of everything so I can relate to what you may be feeling.

It is scary to let go of everything I once owned. But here at my daughters house I have everything I need now. I did keep my bedroom furniture and some treasures that meant so much to me to pass down to the girls when they move out of the house.

It has been a slow and painful process sorting through everything

Hugs and well wishes to you..

 

[shimmerz]

Ahhh, thank you so much @gizmo. I am feeling lighter somehow. I remember this feeling and I like it although I had a huge panic attack (I trigger over boxes - long story) as we are now working on moving boxes of things. My SO makes me laugh which corrects my panicked breathing so I recovered. I got rid of all of my IT and digital forensic things (so much of it) today. My old work life is now entirely gone. Now my car. That will be a huge one. No car of my own anymore - just SO and I sharing. I expect I will be leaving sooner than I had thought - perhaps Tuesday. It is time.

Depending on what part of CA. you move to...everything goes and no one even cares

Thank god for that! lol. Reviews of the hick town hair cut that is SO Cal has been quite consistent. 'Don't worry, it will grow back'. lol.
@Recovery4Me - you lived in Ontario and California? That feels neat to me! Thank you so much for sharing. I will be in LA area (Santa Monica). I am starting to see the adventure (small snapshots of it) now. I am getting excited!

With any luck I will get across the border with no problem. If not, I will be cold, without car, possessions, any thing. I am attempting not to think about this. :confused:
:eek: