A New Knee For Christmas

[Deleted member 6617]

After many years of knee problems and failed attempts with braces, shots, exercise, and drugs to avoid it, the time has come to replace my right knee. So my Christmas will be spent recovering from a full knee replacement of my right knee on Dec. 16th. I know this is a good thing, but boy does it stir up a lot of what ifs and maybes, fears, anxiety, regrets, thankfulness, positive anticipation, ....shoot too many to list. I don't know why this has hit me so hard. It is a bigger deal than my last surgeries and I will be having to spend time in the hospital. I am really struggling trying to separate the rational and the irrational thoughts and emotions. Looking for that wise mind in the middle and it seems so elusive.

So, this is so out of character for me to ask for help, but I sure could use some encouragement and maybe some sound rational suggestions or observations. Maybe questions to stimulate my thinking on a healthy positive path.

My irrational thoughts:

• I'm not worth it
• I could die and my family is so far away.
• There are people who still believe lies about me. I am powerless to do anything about that.
• Nobody gives a rip about my struggle, pain, fears
• I'm alone
• I was there for so many, yet they will not be there for me....worthlessness
• I'm a burden

My rational (I think) thoughts:

• I deserve a better quality of life without pain, I am worth it
• Dying is always a risk with surgery, but highly unlikely, and my family will be with me in spirit.
• I am not responsible for other peoples actions or reactions to what they think is truth. I have done all I can to try and make amends.
• I am not alone. I have S and I have several friends who will come visit in the hospital. I have family who will be calling to see how I am doing. I am loved.
• I am not a burden and I would be there for anyone else in my place, and have been in the past. It is just my turn, accept it.
• This is the best medical option and from all I have read and the people I have talked to, the consensus is no regrets and it is well worth it.
• I am up for this. I am capable. I have someone who loves me and is willing to care for me through this and the rest of our life together.
• There is nothing to be freaking out about!!!!

 

[scout86]

There is nothing to be freaking out about!!!!

Surgery is surgery and even "normal" people are freaked out by the prospect. You are allowed to be afraid, IMO.

BUT, you're right, your "irrational fears" are and your "rational thoughts" are too.

A good friend of mine had both knees replaced within months of each other last year. She had been in a lot of pain for a long time. Then she had a stroke and couldn't do the rehab because her knees hurt too much. She is now eligible for Medicare, so she could finally afford the surgery. She did well and says she can't believe how great it is not to have the pain & she wishes should could have done it years ago.

As an extra added twist, she nearly died from general anesthesia about 30 years ago. She didn't want to be put under. They did both surgeries more of less with local anesthesia! She was awake and chatting with the doctors the whole time. She thought it was pretty cool that she could creep THEM out by talking to them and making comments. (Did I mention she's pretty special?)

Good luck with your surgery! I'm hoping you come through it with flying colors and you're dancing by spring. (If you're in to that sort of thing.)

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I feel for you as you have been through so much but I really admire you for making such a positive self affirming list for yourself.

What got me was when you said it is your turn and I do that as well. It really is a mixed bag and I think any emotion you experience now is normal for having an overloaded full plate.

You try so hard and it sucks that you have to go through this surgery but my hope and prayers for you to feel so much better after the surgery.

I am with you in spirit and you most definitely are not alone in this. Hugs and many prayers.

 

[City Slicker]

I really hear your fear and I have to say that you have found that 'wise mind in the middle'. I know though fully taking up residence in the wise mind might seem elusive at present.

I had some surgery a while back and I was thinking I would breeze through it. But as it got closer I surprised myself by actually feeling a bit fearful and those, 'what if's' started permeating my emotions. Nasty business.

Here's the conclusion I came to about why these things grew on the scary scale - taling it over with other friends at the time, it seemed to resonate for them as well in their struggles with ptsd: it seemed like the more 'authentic' we become in ourselves, the closer we become to really knowing ourselves and truly accepting ourselves, the more we come to deal with our demons from the past the more we feel we have to lose in our 'present'.

So for me in the past I didn't have to be fearful because I wasn't of value to myself, I didn't believe I was worth anything and so the outcome didn't much matter either way. Hence, no fear, no real questioning. But when I began to challenge that myth my self value grew which was great but so did my fear ... of maybe losing myself and all that I had worked for, all the unfulfilled possibilities for which I was working so hard. So the more real I became, the more fearful I became at the prospect of things that frightened any 'normal' person.

Words are limiting I realize - I hope I am making sense.

All that to say, sending you really good vibes for the best outcome and best Christmas ever with your new knee.

 

[Deleted member 6617]

she can't believe how great it is not to have the pain & she wishes should could have done it years ago.

I am hearing so many people say this!!! It encourages me a lot. I too have lived with pain in both knees for many years. I finally have health insurance, so am able to get this done. It has been so long since I have been without pain. I know it will take time to recover, but boy am I looking forward to having no pain and being able to get back on some kind of exercise routine! Of course dancing would be great too!!!

you most definitely are not alone in this. Hugs and many prayers.

Thank you so much Gizmo!!! I find it so hard to ask for support, so it means a lot to know prayers will be said.

when I began to challenge that myth my self value grew which was great but so did my fear

I couldn't have said it any better and agree 100%. So I guess the next thing to learn is to control the fear. Much easier to say than do it seems.

More thoughts running through my head:

• Am I strong enough physically to do this surgery now? I just had shoulder surgery in July and am still trying to regain strength and flexibility from that. I hope I have enough strength in my upper body. Plus I worry about my other knee. Is it going to hold up to the added pressure of supporting my new knee through recovery. Okay, I will be using a walker or crutches....no worries Right?
• It hit me this afternoon what a really big issue is for me in this. It makes me vulnerable and weak. It requires me to depend on and TRUST others to help me. My trust has been destroyed and this is forcing me to start the process of trusting again. I don't know if I am ready to do that yet. The pain and hurt are still so raw. Maybe this will be a good thing to start that process of growth and healing. The people I have around me deserve my trust and by not giving it to them, I am depriving myself and them of a healthy relationship. It's okay under the circumstances to be weak and vulnerable and have to trust. I think it is "normal"?

 

[scout86]

I wouldn't say this makes you "weak". The courage you're showing in dealing with it actually shows a lot of strength.

I have some problems dealing with people in the medical professions and medical procedures. My T says to remember that, for the most part, they are just people trying to do their job, and their job is to help you. (So, I keep telling myself that. LOL)

I think they are probably used to dealing with people who have TWO bad knees, at least when it's the first surgery. You'll do fine. (I'll pray too, if that helps!)

 

[KP the nut]

I could die and my family is so far away.
Dying is always a risk with surgery, but highly unlikely, and my family will be with me in spirit.

(((PH))). This is one of the same concerns I had. Yes, there is always a risk but the benefits are plain. A more active and pain free future. I still don't know if my op for polyps and fibroids was a full success but I do know that a month later I am feeling so much better.

It is good that you are writing here. I found such comfort in the messages that I received.

 

[City Slicker]

Think of yourself as an athlete - athletes are trained to look at their injuries as goals to be met and achieved and not worries that will become obstacles to their progress. When it comes to physical barriers and injuries, athletes let the worry serve to identify the problem but then the 'athlete' in them develops the strategy and goals to get them where they wanna be.

So if you re-frame and shift your concerns from worries to goals you will be able to work with exactly where your body is at and assist it in achieving each goal you set. For example your worry that your other knee will be overstressed now becomes, 'I will use a walker, I will support my left knee through this and give it whatever it needs to support the right knee... ' etc.

You can take your time with trust in the sense that accepting help and actually trusting can be two different things. Accepting help builds trust. You don't have to force yourself to trust right away. Accept assistance from those close to you. My belief is that trust will naturally grow from you seeing that people can and will be there for you.

Hang in there. You deserve to have all your goals come to fruition.

 

[Deleted member 6617]

So if you re-frame and shift your concerns from worries to goals you will be able to work with exactly where your body is at and assist it in achieving each goal you set.

Great advice!!!! Thank you so much. Seems so logical, but I get stuck in that worry mode and I so appreciate the reminder to change how I approach this.

S is stressing. He is having doubts about his ability to be a good "care giver". I don't doubt he will be. He is worried about getting the house "walker ready" and how will I do getting in and out of the shower tub. At least the only stairs we have are coming into the house. I find it much easier to put logic and a plan in place to deal with his fears than I do my own. But like said above...I need to approach it different.

Thanks everyone for the support and suggestions. I so much appreciate it!

 

[Deleted member 6617]

I had a blessing today, I was offered a walker to borrow while in recovering from surgery. She will bring it to us in a couple weeks. Happy Dance....well, sorta, more like Happy Hobble :rolleyes:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

What a wonderful gift for you. Had to laugh at your Happy Hobble. Hugs and prayers for you and for yours PH.

 

[Deleted member 6617]

I am laughing at myself!!! I am now using a cane because my knee is so bad. I just started using it Sunday and have felt totally clumsy with it. So, I just looked up how to properly use a cane. Yes, I really had to look it up...:giggle::O_o::oops: Turns out, I have been holding it in the wrong hand :laugh:. I assumed I would hold in on the side of the bad leg, but nope...it is suppose to be held on the side of your good leg. OH Brother, I feel like an idiot :rolleyes: I am glad though, because now it will be in my left hand, and I am right handed, so my dominate hand will be free!!!

Goodness, Glad I can laugh at myself!!!