No Affection

[TIFFk]

My combat wounded army veteran is completely emotionally disconnected....I realize that it is often difficult for sufferers to make emotional connections however I find it difficult to determine whether my boyfriend simply is struggling or if he just does not truly care for me....he is very good to me and would do anything for me just as I would for him but I need a hug every now and then...here's an example of the lack of affection I get...one time while he was in a deep sleep he put his arm around me ,because this is sooooooooo rare ,when I woke up to this and my alarm going off I refused to get up and skipped work just because I was being touched by him...after thinking about it I realized how pathetic I was I skip work when he didn't even realize he was cuddling me

 

[kds]

Sorry to hear you lack affection, but I definitely wouldn't worry about the love part. It is definitely true that people who suffer ptsd have trouble expressing affections. I sleep on the couch, but it doesn't mean I don't love my significant other just as much. I just think I developed a failure feeling because I couldn't control this emotion. Keep a smile on, stay supportive and hope for a turn. There's good days and bad days, then good weeks and bad weeks... Months? Haven't had a full month yet! :), but there have been periods with more good than bad. He'll get there :)

 

[TIFFk]

Thank you very much for your reply ..it is very helpful to hear from people that relate to him :) i sometimes express my feelings to him ...but generally I try to cope alone because I don't want to make him feel bad or guilty for not giving me all that I need :( ...what are your opinions on that? Am I right to try not to nag him about affection to protect his feelings or should I express my feelings to him more? @kds

 

[kds]

That, is probably something I wouldn't be able to answer :( That would depend on your emotional state too. Everyone is affected when it comes to ptsd. I personally have trust issues from my experience, so I always prefer honesty. Starts diving into areas that actual counselors are better left to answer :)

 

[kds]

My girlfriend seems to try to cope alone. It makes me feel worse for what has become of life. Makes me feel more disconnected. Kind of like I've created a life of touchy areas, which I have in a way

But, I'm lucky enough that now and then she reminds me of why she is quiet when I start to talk about certain paths. Because they might go to what incapacitates me.

(Oh. Sorry. Forgot to say your welcome. Hope it helps)

 

[Seagreen]

I think your feelings are just as valid and as important as his. If you are really unhappy about something discuss it with him.

 

[Justmehere]

Thank you very much for your reply ..it is very helpful to hear from people that relate to him :) i sometimes express my feelings to him ...but generally I try to cope alone because I don't want to make him feel bad or guilty for not giving me all that I need :( ...what are your opinions on that? Am I right to try not to nag him about affection to protect his feelings or should I express my feelings to him more? @kds

I would tell him what you need and focus on saying it something like, "I miss cuddling, I would like to do it more often..." Rather than "you don't show me enough affection..."

If you make it about you, and you are really positive and gentle about it, then it may be something that encourages him to work on it a little more or invest more in treatment or etc.

It will take time to change, but if he is committed to working on it with you, it can change.

 

[TIFFk]

@kds I hope that your full month of happiness is soon to come

@Seagreen I hope he thinks my feelings are valid I'll give it a go ..and @Justmehere that's a good idea thank you

 

[Friday]

I'm a total glutton for physical affection... Even if I'm getting tons of it. It's just something that makes me feel bone-deep happy. lol I'd totally be one to skip work and bask in all tangled up in bed. Ahem which I can say because I've done it a time or three. Cough.

2 questions...

- Are you getting or able to get physical contact / affection from other sources?
(Massage, sports, close friends, pets, etc.)

- Ever read the 5 Love Languages / any of that apply?

 

[scout86]

Am I right to try not to nag him about affection to protect his feelings or should I express my feelings to him more?

Is that really what you want to know?

1) Does it even make sense to Nag someone about being affectionate?
2) You'd "not nag him" to protect HIS feelings? How does that work? Do you know what his feelings are? Is nagging him going to hurt his feelings or just get old? Is nagging something that motivates change? (Well, it does for me, I guess, it motivates a change of scene.)
3) How is expressing YOUR feelings a problem? I thought the problem was that he's maybe not expressing his in a way you can relate to. Will things work better if NEITHER of you express your feelings?

I'm totally confused and maybe that's why I don't do relationships well.

My first thought (bear in mind that I don't do relationships well) is to wonder if the two of you have ever just TALKED about this. In a non-judgmental, information gathering kind of way. If so, what did he tell you?
My second thought is, if he's really not the touchy-feely sort, can you live with that? Because maybe he's not and maybe you can't. Those are both legitimate answers. Is a relationship where one partner has to try to be someone they're not actually going to work, in the long run? Some of this might be negotiable, but to negotiate, you have to both talk and both listen.

 

[StarChild]

but I need a hug every now and then...

Hi @TIFFk, did you ever tell him concretely, what exactly you need and what you wish he would to for / to you?.. Sometimes these things are in danger to get lost, because we forget to tell our partner what our needs are. Because we tend to think, that our partner should "know" it already. And, this goes both ways...Did you ever ask him, what his concrete needs and wishes for the relationship with you are? It is more than just important, to express, ask and listen to each other in a relationship. No one is a mind-reader...

To tell someone your needs and express your feelings is not nagging.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

He is very good to you and would do anything for you, yet you still think he doesn't care about you. Hmmm.

I can't help but wonder if he was never a very huggy-kissy emotional type person. If so, then the trauma issue is in a way irrelevant as it may simply not be who he is. I totally get the emotional numbing part, but again, the cuddling stuff just may not be in him.

I agree, check out the five love languages. From what I can tell, he shows love in a way that you don't necessarily feel love. This is a major disconnect and you two really should sit down and have a good discussion about it all.