When I met my girlfriend, I was unaware of her PTSD. We had a couple great dates and we fell in love. She hadn't dated in a long while because she was very picky, and she didn't want to be with someone who wasn't sincere about a relationship. Then she took a chance and she met me.
After a couple weeks she began to feel ill, tired and a little moody. Since I was unaware of her PTSD, or it's impact on either of us, I didn't know what to think. Then she had a break down and I didn't hear from her for two days and I thought to myself, "great...another woman who comes on strong and then changes her mind about me". It's happened all too often, and I was very hurt because I really felt like she was 'the one'.
I sent her a couple emails asking how she was, because email and phone were the only way to contact her and she wasn't returning my calls. Finally I sent one telling her that I worry about people I care about if they don't show up when they're supposed to or if they don't return my calls. I thought for sure that she didn't want to see me anymore, and my email wasn't mean or nasty, just telling her how she was making me feel. In her heart she wasn't ending it with me, so it hurt her to some extent. In my heart, which was breaking, I didn't know what I did to make her not return my calls or emails.
Finally we talked and she told me how she felt about my emails and told me that I had to believe in my heart that she had fallen for me, and that she was just going through a tough time. When we talked I learned a little more about her and she told me about her PTSD and some things she's gone through. Of course, I felt horrible, but also explained to her that when I get close to someone, like her, she is my family and that she needs to believe in her heart that I'm not going to leave her because of her bouts.
She promised to try not to shut me out ... and that was when I realized that what she was doing was called "shutting me out", and I understood it a little more. We've had a couple other issues come up, and we try to talk them out, but I've learned that sometimes if I just clam up instead of debating with her, she begins to realize that just maybe she was a little harsh with what she said or how she said it, and she apologizes to me the next time we talk. It's not that I want her to feel guilty, or that I want her to think she's wrong, but we both accept that she has these bouts and instead of perpetuating her frustrations I try to be understanding.
To me, and I don't speak from any sort of knowledge base or higher level of experience, if you're being shut out for weeks or months at a time then ther sufferer is clearly not ready for a relationship, and it's not fair to the carer to have to go for that long of a time without contact with someone they care deeply about. Hell, I couldn't handle two days, and I surely wouldn't be able to handle two weeks, let alone two months.
The difference with her and I is that we both want the whole white picket fence scenario, and most importantly, with each other. I am learning to hang up my fears of her leaving me at the drop of a hat, and she's learning to hang up her fears of me leaving her because she has PTSD and is working through it. I constantly remind her that I love her, and that I'm here for her no matter what.
She did send me an email once asking me if I'm ready for a relationship with her and all her "issues" (there are a couple others, but I don't want to elaborate). She told me that she would fully understand if I wasn't interested in pursuing the relationship, she said she would be upset, but would understand. When I told her that I was in love with her, and wanted to be with her, she thanked me.
It hasn't been perfect, and there are times when I wonder if I'm doing the right thing. It's all very new to me and I'm trying my hardest to understand, and it's all new to her to have a guy who isn't after one thing (even though she does accuse me of having a one track mind!)
I think we'll be okay, and she knows that I'll be here for her ... through thick and thin, good or bad. Like I said, it's been a struggle, but it's getting better as I learn more about how to handle it. Hopefully she will get better about it too as she learns more about me. I have my own problems, and she helps me with them...so it works for us both. She takes care of me too.
