Loneliness

[Upside Down Eagle]

I hope I picked the correct niche of the forum to write this. I do think it is a part of "other symptoms" and I find it hard to deal with.

I have had trouble connecting with people all my life. Mainly because my abuse was going on behind closed doors, I was shy and skittish like a deer and more prone to protecting myself than having a vibrant social life even at school. I tended to be the kid who got picked on until I bashed somebody's face in.

The loneliness has been like a defining thread running through the years since. I have made a select few good friends in those years but none of them live close-by (circumstances have caused me to move around a lot) and I certainly never call those people or whats-app them constantly like "normal" people seem to do.

I tried calling friends some times when I felt bad, but then it felt awkward and unnatural to do so and I could never seem to make it a routine thing. I can't be the only one here for whom this is a problem and a defining theme. Sometimes I feel like a hermit.

"Hermits United. We meet up every 10 years, swap stories about caves. It's good fun. For a Hermit."
-Doctor Who

 

[Intrepid]

Totally relate. I'm not so lonely now. Have a few friends. But I don't like it. I don't like having friends. Sounds weird, I know. I do like having friends, really, but then I don't. You know what I mean?

 

[Changing4Best]

I joined a church, go to meetings and attend fellowship meals there. I also sing in the choir. It is a larger church, so I have been able to make friends there. I also go to the local Senior Center for lunches on the weekdays. I belong to a weight loss group that meets once a week as well.

I don't have a car (can't afford one) so I rely on folks for rides too. I use my church directory to get numbers of folks and call them to ask for a ride. Most folks are very easy going about this and are glad to help me, especially since I live not far from the church (about 5 blocks).

There is even a church for those who are not very religious, called the Unitarian Church. They tend to be more into social action and things like that. Their ministers preach on topics that can be spiritual sometimes, or might be related to Eastern Philosophies or something. Personally I belong to the Methodist church. I find folks there to be friendly and open to becoming friends.

I walked into the local coffee shop today, just to find someone to talk to. It was slow (a lot of folks are out of town for the holidays) and so the barista was only too glad to chat with me. We talked about adoption some, as they donate to adoptions in our area, by folks who are adopting children from poor countries. So far they are sponsoring 3 families. My niece is adopted from Korea, she was an orphan, so we talked about that too. When things at the coffee shop got busy, she took care of other customers, of course, but we had a good chance to talk for quite some time. I donated a dollar to their cause too, since I believe in it so much. (I love my niece and am very in favor of what my sister did to help her out of her country, where she would have most likely ended up being a prostitute. Instead she is a school teacher here!).

These are just some ideas....

 

[KwanYingirl]

I am prone to isolating myself as a way of coping with the fear of flashbacks or any reminders of my traumas. I am not socially active nor do I wish to read newspapers or watch the news. But one on one with a select few people I don't mind. It's just been a way of life forever. I used to hide in the house as a child and stayed in my room as a teenager. So much violence and sexual abuse, I wonder how I was able to handle school. I didn't get bothered and got good grades and I enjoyed being in the band and orchestra, even though I never did anything with other members outside of school. I am surprised that so many people from high school have asked me to friend them on Facebook. I hate Facebook.

 

[zeckster81]

I can relate. I have seasonal friends for different periods in my life. I have never had a friend for more than a couple years. I seem to push them away. Don't know why.

 

[sun seeker]

Totally. I have a few friends I can talk to and feel comfortable with, and count myself lucky that way. One thing is I really am an introvert on top of the PTSD; even were I healed, I would need a lot of down time to process other people's energy. Could that possibly be true for you also? I wonder because when I read @SheilaKathy's descriptions of her social life, while they all look like excellent ideas, I know I would not be able to keep up with that many social relationships without the deeper sharing that closer friendships involve. A few close friendships feel nurturing, while a lot of less-close relationships feel like work, which is a classic introvert-extrovert difference.

But yes, the PTSD is the other thing that gets in the way of having more friends. It's isolating not only because of the symptoms we are dealing with but because a person who doesn't have it, doesn't understand, and there's only so close a relationship can get based on that. The friends I can talk to have major issues of their own, so that understanding is there.

 

[loveandlight]

I think this is what is so great about this group... it's so much easier to talk to people that you don't know ... I think it's a massive step to even bring yourself to post on here. You should be proud of yourself !!! It's taken a lot for myself also just to try and reach out to others... you're doing great and I know that the comments I received were comforting for myself as I know they will be for you ... keep smiling ...

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

@SheilaKathy I think church is a very good way not to become isolated :) My age group tends to be mostly atheist though, although a lot of them consider themselves spiritual, I think. I actually find somewhat good community support through the glider group in summer, but I have had that fall away a bit in winter because I tend to get more anxious and therefore withdraw more.

I'm too shy to walk into a coffee shop or a bar or go to a performance on my own. I generally feel "looked at" and paranoid. But when there are events that I can go to with acquaintances, I like going, however in the winter (again) I've been generally anxious and also quite sick a few times physically so I couldn't go out to these events... maybe the new year is my next chance.

I used to hide in the house as a child and stayed in my room as a teenager.

Yeah I did that too. I still sort of do that actually. I tend to have one room in my apartment or house where I am generally all of the time. Even when I had a living room, I barely even went there, except when I had visitors...

One thing is I really am an introvert on top of the PTSD; even were I healed, I would need a lot of down time to process other people's energy. Could that possibly be true for you also?

Totally. But strangely enough I'm way more of an introvert during the winter. I become a little hedgehog and I curl up and nobody sees my face. I feel safe like that but it alienates me from contacts even though they're not close friends, and my isolation makes my paranoia about people a little bit worse. The trouble with my close friends is they all live too far away to visit often.

@loveandlight well I have been here for over three years and shared some stuff I thought I would never xD
But I don't regret sharing any of it. The forum does help a lot with this loneliness problem.

 

[loveandlight]

It just goes to show how many people out there suffer with the same feelings and you're not alone ... it's nice to be able to reach out to others... The best part is not knowing who's on the end of the computer /phone and no one judges ... you're in the right place ....

 

[Changing4Best]

PS. I forgot to mention that I have a best friend that is also PTSD. (If I did mention it, sorry for repeating myself). Anyway, our lives mirror image one another's and we can really relate because of that. We don't talk about symptoms often, but we always have good stuff to talk about. We visit once a month for a day at my house. We spend the day together just talking and sharing what has gone on during the previous month in our lives. I am glad I have her in my life! She's coming to visit this Tuesday. I cannot wait.

 

[sun seeker]

I actually find somewhat good community support through the glider group in summer

Glider? As in hang gliding? I'm impressed. Would love to know what that's like (sorry if you've already shared this and I missed it).

 

[Rumors]

I am lonely. I have lots of friends, but most of them I keep on a "need to know" basis where I don't really share much, but I listen a lot. I love my friends dearly and genuinely care a great deal for them, but I just can't seem to get over the hump with the vulnerability thing. So, at times I desperately want a connection but don't know how to accomplish that and I end up feeling lonely. Holidays are the worst. I like coming here and reading topics because I can relate and I don't feel so crazy and it makes me feel less lonely. ;)