Wait A Minute! Omg!

[shimmerz]

This is like a flashback but less painful (I think). I just realized something after reading all of your amazing posts today about my 'travel situation'. Riddle me this. I would love input. As an aside, I NEVER get sick. That is not an exaggeration. It is the gods honest truth. Except on these occasions.

At 25 years old I was asked by my birth parents to go to Munich Germany to meet my family of origin. We were meant to stay at relatives houses. At the time I believed (and the lie was upheld by birth parents and adoptive parents alike) that my bp's loved me more than life itself. This, decades later, I found to be not the truth of the matter. The day before I was meant to travel I got pneumonia that was so severe that I was hospitalized. I did not make it and never attempted to go again.

I visited a relative of my then partner in Vancouver one night on my way to Whistler to ski with the kids and some friends. When I got to their house I was up all night so sick - again talk of taking me to hospital. I wouldn't go to the hospital as I would not leave my kids. It threw a real monkey wrench into everyone's plans and the rest of the group was going to leave me in the house while they drove the Sea to Sky Highway (2 hour trip) but I was so terrified of being left alone in the house, I poured myself into the car. At that time I did not realize that I had 'stranger's house issues'.

My 90+ year old aunt used to like me to travel to come and see her. It was a 6 hour trip. I used to. She used to get super upset when I wouldn't stay over so one night I did. I had a massive meltdown the following morning and left the house abruptly. I don't think that she or I ever understood what happened that morning. This happened before I knew of my 'past' and before I showed significant signs of PTSD.

There are two more incidences, but I assume you get what I am trying to get to here. For one of the two I was hospitalized and for the other I was not but very very ill.

I have traveled successfully but now that I look back on the above noted excursions, EACH time that I was meant to stay at someone's house I would get ill suddenly. California was the same thing. I just suddenly dropped with pancreatitis and had to be hospitalized (if you haven't read the post).

So what is this? I was fostered in 20 different homes before the age of two. One strangers house to another to another? I don't believe in co-incidences these days. Is it possible that this is a playing out of the past stressors in my life that related to staying in strangers houses? Any thoughts?

My life seems to get weirder and weirder with every passing second.

 

[Anarchy]

You could have something there, but against that view, pancreatitis is not exactly common as a stress related illness, at least not for someone like you who's not alcaholic.

Looking at it the other way around, perhaps the pancreatitis was simmering away inside you, before you got to California?

 

[shimmerz]

I wonder sometimes about things. I think you make a great point @Anarchy and I may be reaching but it is so damned coincidental that it seems to be slapping me in the face right now. If I don't look at the disease but instead the outcome (hospital) or the severity (the need to go to the hospital) and the sudden onset of each of these incidents - they all play out the same way.

It is very possible my pancreas was misbehaving before I reached California but just so damn odd that each time I 'stay' in a house I am unfamiliar with that I end up in hospital. Does the egg come before the chicken or the chicken before the egg?

 

[illusionist]

I had much the same in the first couple of years of life and can't stand being away from home either, I make myself ill with stress. I personally don't think it's to do with those first couple of years.....rather that I've built so much security at home. I know of a few who are similar and have not had disrupted childhoods.

 

[KwanYingirl]

It sure sounds like a pattern. I was very sickly until I went off to college. Until my chemical exposure 20 or so years later I was never sick. And my ex was only sick twice in all the years I knew him. The night we were married and the day we split up. I don't think anything is coincidental.
I don't know what else to say. Do you want to overcome it? I'd say having a Eureka about it will at the least give you a heads up. Scientists are making headway in the field of psychobiological immunity. I'm interested in it because my chemical sensitivities are more extreme when I'm stressed out. If I'm sunning myself at the beach, I notice I don't really mind the smell of sunblocks. I'm a stranger to you, but if you're ever traveling through Maine you are more than welcome to crash here.

 

[shimmerz]

can't stand being away from home either

I think what I am trying to say is that I don't mind being away from home. I love travel. I normally don't have a problem with it at all - except it seems when I am anticipating staying at someone's home. That is the pattern that seems to be emerging anyways.

And my ex was only sick twice in all the years I knew him. The night we were married and the day we split up. I don't think anything is coincidental.

That is what I have learned through all of my experiences. Body tied into mind, mind tied into body. If the mind can't express it then the body does.

Do you want to overcome it?

Yes, and like you I believe that awareness is the first step towards this. Yes, I must overcome it as it has been ruling my life since I lost my house in the 'War of the Roses' when my PTSD came screaming out.

I just love Maine. Your offer is so heartwarming. Thank you @KwanYingirl , just don't let me come there without insurance k? You don't mind sitting in Emerg when you have guests over do you? :)

In all seriousness, this sounds like something I will need to work on with my healers. Thanks for the thoughts!

 

[City Slicker]

@shimmerz It could be that the process of those house-moving transitions causes a splitting off into survival parts and moves the focus from external 'triggering' into a more 'internal' state where you become more aware of what's happening inside your body rather than what's happening outside around you. Hence you become aware of the stress and the resultant illness in the body that follows.

It might be an issue of you now becoming aware of the extremes in your system as you struggle now for a balance between the outside (triggering stuff) and the inside body stuff where there generally is no triggering - I hope I am making sense.

While painful, it actually sounds really quite exciting for growth if this is indeed what is happening.

 

[illusionist]

Sorry shimmerz, I didn't explain myself properly. I meant by being away from home...as in being away for more than a day. I even have this when I visit my son and daughter's home, so no threat there for me.
On thinking, do you have this when staying in hotels?.....I'm just realising that I'm not like this if I'm heading for a hotel.
Thanks for bringing this up.

 

[shimmerz]

@City Slicker, yes, it does actually make sense. You are correct, these are really the only times that my body feels 'aware of itself', if that makes any sense. It is a great question about hotels. I gravitated all of my life to hotels, avoid staying in other people's houses like the plague, I just don't think I understood why. No, I have never been ill when away in a hotel.

It is interesting that with this last stint with my pancreatitis (just in the past month), I had a good solid feel for my body - the pain was intense - I was able to actually work with how it shows me pain responses (which I oddly enough do not normally feel). It was exciting and painful, yes, all at the same time. Great pickup on that! Thank you for helping me to sort out my thoughts on this one. It is really helpful to me. :hug:

 

[illusionist]

Just visualising my feelings here...

Staying at someone's house - fear disrupting the household, fitting in with eating habits, 'being me," fear of not feeling I belong, fear of damaging anything???

Hotel - none of the above...I'm on holiday.

How strange??

 

[shimmerz]

Right. funny how little quirky things like 'no I would rather die than stay in a your house - I would much prefer a hotel' can take 50 plus years to figure out that there is an actual reason for that behaviour. A trauma-esq one. You mentioned @richter scale that you had a background similar to mine? I find that very interesting.

 

[illusionist]

Yes I do shimmerz.....starting to think there is a connection.....never thought about it before but it seems possible. I just didn't think emotions could go that far back. It certainly explains my fear.....even though my visits tend to be to my son and daughter where there is no logical fear at all.

I become hypervigilant, have little sleep but 'afraid' to get up and watch tv as I'd normally do at home. In reality I know my son or daughter wouldn't care if I did....I have seen me waiting to go to the toilet, many hours, so that I didn't need to flush the toilet and waken anyone. Logically, my kids sleep through anything and I know it.