Dom Violence Narcissists Mess Up Your Mind... Freaking Out

[sun seeker]

Today after posting on someone else's thread my feelings about my ex are coming to the surface. I don't want to hijack that thread so am starting my own. Not sure quite what I am looking for, except to sort out my thoughts in a place where others may understand.

Why is it after all these years, telling a little bit of my story on the forum triggers me so much? Why am I afraid that, even on an anonymous forum where I leave out a lot of details, he will find out what I wrote and do something to hurt me? Why is it I believe he would be right, that I am such a worthless person I deserve it?

I shared that he was physically violent a few times, and threatened my life a few times. Then I got so scared to have said that. He would claim none of it is true, and he's so charming, he would convince people. He would tell them I am crazy, that I had problems before I ever met him, that I exaggerate. He would drag my name through the mud until I have even fewer friends than I already have.

I got almost sick, shaking, thinking he never actually said the words "I am going to kill you" so saying he threatened my life is a lie, and I will go to hell for saying it. I don't even believe in hell, but the fear is there anyway. I started writing the stories of what exactly happened and then erased it, because I'm too scared to put it on a public forum. The thing is though, taking away the context, on one of these occasions he intended to leave me lying in a dark place so no one would ever know who had hurt me. Then he changed his mind, but he took me there and told me. I never even thought about what that meant until now, but if no one would ever know, that means I would never regain consciousness to tell about it, doesn't it? The other stories I can't figure out how to tell in obscure terms.

I've never before said that he threatened my life, never put it in those words even to myself before today, but somehow the words came out today without thinking and I started panicking. Is that actually what he intended? Or am I indeed lying, manipulating, as bad a person as he always claimed I was?

I'm doubting myself so much, it makes me dizzy. Maybe it wasn't that bad, maybe it was just an unfortunate turn of phrase. I'll never know. But my instinct is still to take it all back. He took so much from me and years later I am still afraid he will turn up and take away what is left. Anyone in a similar situation... get out now, before it messes up your mind like this. When I think about what caused my PTSD he doesn't figure high on the list and I thought I was over him, but today I see I am wrong.

 

[Seagreen]

The thing is though, taking away the context, on one of these occasions he intended to leave me lying in a dark place so no one would ever know who had hurt me. Then he changed his mind, but he took me there and told me. I never even thought about what that meant until now, but if no one would ever know, that means I would never regain consciousness to tell about it, doesn't it?

That sounds like a valid interpretation me.

 

[sun seeker]

The closest to this I've felt before was when I was recovering memories of some really horrible things that - maybe - happened when I was very young. It wasn't the memories themselves that hurt so much, it was when I started to consider the possibility that my family might have known or had something to do with it. Just considering the possibility made me hate myself so intensely that I spent hours one night struggling mightily to keep from slashing my wrists to punish myself for even entertaining the thought. If I had, it wouldn't have even hurt, I was so dissociated.

It's sort of like that now. I said this thing about my ex automatically, from a part of myself that doesn't think or censor. Then I started thinking about it and it's like there is a battle going on inside me: "Wait, is that actually true?" "Yes, the evidence points to that." "You're a liar and a terrible person." It's like I am outside of myself watching this battle of wills going on, and I am not sure where I am in all this.

 

[sun seeker]

Thank you @Seagreen.

Thank you? I think. That means beginning to accept, years after the fact, that he really intended to kill me. I don't know what to think. I feel sick.

 

[Seagreen]

It's not uncommon for a conversation to trigger unresolved feelings. This could be an opportunity for you to challenge your self doubt.

 

[sun seeker]

What if I am remembering wrong? What if that wasn't what he said? It was a long time ago. I hate myself.

 

[sun seeker]

Maybe he just intended to leave me unconscious and the "nobody would ever know" part was his arrogance, thinking I would never dare tell anyone who did it or that no one would believe me if I did. That makes some sense. How would he have known when to stop though, or if he'd gone too far?

I want to be fair, so I take back what I said earlier. I'm just not sure of my own memory. This feels so surreal.

 

[HëllaBubz]

As the child of such a narcissist, I totally understand this thread.

Can't put much more, I'm pretty triggered atm, but hun based on the type of trauma, it's normal. It is possible to feel safe again.

Hugs.

 

[Seasounds]

Yes, narcissists mess with our minds, if we let them! It is such a skill to learn, to not let their opinion dominate my mind.

When I have cared for someone-(let us refer to this person as the second person), and then a 3rd person points out that the 2nd person has been abusive, I became both defensive for the person I cared for, and much to my dismay, I became triggered by seeing, from the 3rd person's comments, that I had chosen to care for someone who was abusive, like someone in my past. (I would become triggered from getting support to realize that I was being emotionally abused). Yikes, talk about being uncomfortable in my skin!

I came from a family where, "I'll throw you in the river", "I'll strangle you", and "I'll show you who is the boss", were used so frequently, that people, outside the family, would dismiss these words. However, if you were in the family, you knew that these threatening people had actually practiced those actions. Their words were actual threats. Unconsciously, I use to live in constant fear.

What you are going through, reminds me of when I became aware of how I was threatened, and finally came to understand the words were a threat rather than just a 'turn of speech' that a person didn't mean. Of course, if asked, they would say that they didn't mean it; they live in denial. In actuality, they were being consistently disrespectful, and harmfully so.

Here is the key; I started associating and holding my perspective and my experience, AS THE TRUTH, to act on, rather than disassociating from my perspective, and giving more weight to another's experience. I stopped discussing whose perspective was right, and just trusting my experience/feelings. Doing this meant, logically, that I needed to change my friends. People in denial don't change because I want them to, and they don't change their denial systems because I TRY to enlighten them.

It was a time of waking up, and understanding a person was being an abusive person/who they really are, rather than being someone, who I wanted them to be.

Most importantly for me, your situation reminds me of when I stopped giving the person the benefit of the doubt, and even if they didn't mean what they said, there WAS NO PLACE for them in my life, to say such things.

From my experience, abusive people find people/victims-who will doubt themselves, be blind to their threats, and want to dismiss verbal threats as 'just how they talk'. Abusers choose people they can manipulate; it is their source of power. Abusers choose people who want love, and mistake 'harmful attention' as love, since it has been all that the victims have known.

It sounds like you are awaking to the subtlety of abuse, and, therefore, maybe also (?), throwing out the habit of giving someone the benefit of the doubt, and learning how to recover and stand behind your self-preserving instinct, to recognize and to revoke people who verbally or physically use intimidating language or actions. Compassion for others STOPS when they are disrespectful.

I had always wanted compassion, so I gave it to others. Finally I learned that there are some situations, when not to give compassion, and, instead, keep it for myself. Ironically, this seems selfish at first; in the end it is self-loving.

Your process is good! Good luck!

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Is that actually what he intended? Or am I indeed lying, manipulating, as bad a person as he always claimed I was?

Your ex reminds me of my dad in a lot of ways. He used to go around telling people I was also a master-mind manipulator of people and that I would get out of my way to convince people I was a "saint". It never felt right, but it took me years to put in words that in fact he was the one manipulating the place, by telling me those lies.

I'm doubting myself so much, it makes me dizzy. Maybe it wasn't that bad, maybe it was just an unfortunate turn of phrase.

My instinct here is that a part of you (the part of you that doubts itself) is trying to make him look better in order to make yourself feel worse. Does it really matter what he said exactly? You felt threatened. He doesn't sound like a great person, it sounds like you were pretty right to feel threatened. I don't think it helps to linger on the words.

The issue is that you feel too insecure about yourself to trust in your own feeling and the fact that you are not a manipulator. So I will tell you, your feeling is valid, you are not a manipulator, and you are not going to hell (although I don't believe in it either). I am basing my conclusions on the fact that I doubted myself too for a long time... not anymore...

 

[Seagreen]

It's Possible that he didn't Intend to kill you. Maybe he just took you there and told you that to instil fear. Either way the intent was to make you believe he meant to kill you. So its reasonable for you to assume so.

If you are doubting your memory is accurate thats ok too. Its ok to make a mistake so long as you can be honest about your uncertainty. Which you have been. Of course your ex's perspective will always be different from your own but you have spoken your truth. That is what matters

 

[Anarchy]

@Saetva and @Radise I think you are very likely to be correct.

If any of the staff are reading this, would Saetva's post (with ?her permission of course) be a suitable candidate for an article for the vault?