Slap, Slap, Slaps From Life

[Deleted member 28403]

I'm sad, anxious ad feeling bad, sleep is questionable for tonight... About 30 minutes ago I had a short talk with her before she went to sleep:

I told her that I'm gonna sleep, to get her to go to sleep, but she saw through it and I explained to her that I don't want her to suffer because of me... Well, school starting tommorow and anxiety bumping, I don't want her to see that now... After explaining I finally got her to go sleep... Hopefully shes sleeping and not worrying about me...
Well, I've been laying here for 35 minutes since shes went to sleep, don't quite know what to do...

Today I returned from math camp, competitions in a week... On the camp there were a few guys who started bullying me... I don't know why, one guy brought a hammer and was threathening to kill me with it, also threw an ice snowball at me at 2 meter range, hitting me in the head both times, knocking out my glasses... He spread shit about me and everything... During a tactic game that was played a few times he got people to kill me in first round and so on, not letting me join anything, one day some guys hid my stuff so I was almost late for class (I went a few hours earlier than others as by the third day I simply bailed out of math part and swapped to just informatics...). After the third day I was spending 12 hours in front of a computer programming, and in 2-3 days I made a full 'skeleton' for a game in C++. I cut basically all social contact and just worked for a week (uh, eh, might be a workaholic... or I'm simply stuck at that mode due to whats normal). The last day I just drank, like, whatever I could, I drank 11 glasses of wine and 1 glass of whiskey, and went to sleep a while later, sad and depressively self-analytic (as I am when I get drunk drunk). Uh, memory mushy as always, so I can't differentiate before and after... When I got home, I realized that my room was messed, my money turned upside down and that I'm -€100... I'm angry and sad... Ugh, tomorrow's monday... School and all the crazy shit.... I really feel tired... And competitions starting in a week, which means tons of work... And so little sleep, might go with sleeping pills and some more sleeping pills, and some more... And then caffeine, and some more... I just want to be away from this shit... I just want to be stupid as shit, I want to be happy. I want to stop suffering every step of the way... I'm tired... Ugh, and I can barelt type through tears... I don't want tears... I'm just a f*cking failure... At the camp there was a 5th grade kid that seems to be better at everything than me... f*ck it, I'm worthless...
I'm a pitiful sight, and I ain't all that bright, I'll probabaly die cold and alone... A f*cking 5th grader is better than me :cry: Why do I even try, why the f*ck anything, :mad: I hate myself :banghead: argh! I don't know what to do... I don't know what to do! Probabaly because I'm so dumb, a fifth f*cking grader... Argh. What will happen tomr ifnI dont donerkknon nathematics, argh,;×\©€<√ f*ck yhisnshit, I'm tired of ebrytjin, can't evrn type, hrbdjw, injatenmysrkf I jage hiw bad I am... f*ck, f*ck, f*ck , need af*cking pause

 

[Matilda]

Competitions were always stressful for me too. I painted competitively and tested in Spanish. For three years straight I could never get past the regional competition no matter how many hours I spent working and it was so frustrating to see the people I lost to. Last year was the worst as it was my last year that I could compete. Between extreme stress at home, working at college applications, and painting or studying for Spanish I ended up only averaging 3-4 hours of sleep for 4 months straight. NOT HEALTHY. But in the end I was able to finally go to the national competition and although i didn't win, I was so proud of what I had accomplished. It's hard and it takes time, but don't call yourself stupid and incompetent. You have every reason to be stressed (I can't even imagine what I would do if someone threatened me with a hammer) but you're getting through this and haven't given up when so many others would have. You're incredibly smart, I mean most of the people I work with haven't mastered English (for some that's there only language) as well as you have. And please, please be careful about drinking. I know I've wanted to drink myself until I've passed out, but it can develop into a very serious problem or even make your situation worse than it is.
Is there anyone you can talk to about the bullying? Based on your other posts it seems like it's very difficult to get help, but if there is anyone you can speak to, the I urge you to try.
I wish you luck and I'm sending you lots of hugs :) Good luck in competitions and even if they don't go as well as you hoped, please remember that you still have excelled

 

[Deleted member 28403]

Parents yelling in morning already, blaming me because my little brother doesn't listen to them... Saying it's my fauly and shit... Barely got sleep tonight... :Cry:

 

[jaccat]

It seems to me incredible that you can get any work done if you have that going on around you. I would feel proud just to get a pass.
Don't listen to that inner voice telling you your stupid. I know that voice well. You'll never be good enough for it. Focus instead on what you have achieved in spite of everything, if you can.