Other I Told It All Everything!

[Julie Pitts]

I have had symptoms of PTSD since I was five. When I was that young I couldn't hardly find those letters in the alphabet much less know something was not right. My life was just that way my parents were alcoholic during my childhood and I could always feel anger rise in the house like a thermometer rising. I did not know it but I had become hyper vigilant. My story is long and filled with sexual, mental and physical abuse. I was the middle child. Maybe that is why it seemed to come straight down on me. My parents caused me to be sexually abused because their need to get drunk outweighed the decision to just leave us with anyone. There were 6 of us 5 girls 1 boy. The only person that was not sexually abused that I did not see with my own eyes was the baby of the family things changed when mama got pregnant she quit drinking and I believe because of that my youngest sister was spared. But it was way too late for the rest of us. Even when Mama got sober we had to contend with my drunken enraged father every weekend or mama would pile us in the station wagon get some supplies and (we lived in Florida) hide in the orange groves. Because if he found us he would beat her. Not only do I have my memories of abuse I can detail most of the abuse of my siblings.I didnt know all this was not what everybody was going through but we were made to keep our mouth shut unless we talked about happy things. In 1992 I had a mental Breakdown and it was suicide or get help. I eventually found a great therapist and did a lot of healing work. I left therapy in 95 feeling I had it all figured out. And I knew how to deal with all the symptoms and trauma. But I was still silenced by my family. Unwritten rule. No one was damaged and Dad and mom had become Christians and were pillars of the community. So we had to act like all the other kids in the church. It was found out my daddy had severe bipolar disorder and the drinking was his way to self medicate. When he got treatment we did have a better home life and we all kept our mouths shut about the living nightmare we had lived in most of our lives. I broke the rules. When I had my breakdown slowly but surely my therapist guided me through the flashbacks and nightmares and I was even able to mourn my childhood. But I was still not able to tell the story. When I turned 45 I wrote the story out. I banged it out on sn olf heavy metal laptop that had to stay plugged in because the battery was fried. but it did the job. Then I took the laptop with the story stored in it and put it way for two years. This year at the beginning of the year I asked my friends and family to pray for me because I felt God was calling me to be an inspirational speaker. that was January by June I had a publisher for my story. Yes the story was going t be told but I was not called to be an inspirational speaker (although I have given small group speeches). Well it is all said and done the printers are printing the horror that was my life right now. In two weeks my story is going to be heard by anyone that gets that book. But I had to put a warning on the book that it may be triggering to some people. I had signed a 4 year contract in June. by last month I was really frightened. All these years of being programmed to be silent. How could I live with everyone knowing the truth. (I only detailed my abuse in the book). When I got the publisher and did the deal I called my mom and told her I had written a book and it was in the hands of a publisher all she said was I always knew you would write a book. No malice, meanness sarcasm, nothing just an acknowledgement. My oldest sister got a copy when I was halfway through the book but she could not read it past a certain point. I asked her tonight if she had ever been diagnosed with PTSD because I knew she was one of the three of us that had counseling of some type. She said yes that she was I asked her if it affected her life in anyway she said really after counseling all that remained was hyper vigilance and in this world that is a good thing I think. I texted my brother the same question but he is an alcoholic and has totally tuned me out or has already drunk himself into a stupor. And those printing presses just roll on and on. I will not be silenced again.

 

[J.L. Pitts]

I wrote this tonight before I knew you had to join. I just got off the phone with my preacher I felt I needed to let him know the book was coming out and parts of it would be graphic to anyone wh had never experienced what I had gone through. I love my church they know I have mental health issues and that I am on disability for it but they never knew what happened to me to make me that way. Actually I healed exceedingly well from Complex PTSD but I had a baby when I was 31 afterr 15 years of infertility and on my six week check up I was diagnosed as having Post Partum Depression and it was suggested I take meds but I was breastfeeding and it gets in the milk and I did not want to harm my baby. At nine month my daughter would only drink from a cup. But at that point I had Post Partum Psychosis I have been heavily medicated from 1992 to 2014. I am finally off the stronger medications and the medications I do remain on are at a much lower dose than before. I am more interactive more functional and after 15 years I am finally feeling the utter joy of having a daughter. Of course she is a teenager with a permit so she wants to drive everywhere always needs money for something and either her friends are here or she is with them. When she started growing up at each age that I had been abused I became fearful that year. but I made it through them. The worst abuse was when I was 16 and she will soon be sixteen. She is totally different than me and has known nothing but a loving environment since birth but I just get scared at those points where I was abused.She knows I have mental health issues and knows that I was abused but not what happened or to the extent. I do not think any child should have to live with images of that in their mind.16 was the hardest year for me and one month after I turned 17 it was so bad I ran away thankfully to a friend inn Texas who let me live with her and be the maid to earn my keep.That is where I met my husband of 31 years. Now with the book coming out and her turning 16 I feel so much like I am in danger. That SHE is in danger! I have worked extremely hard at being a very balanced parent and with all of my disabilities I can say she has never been treated differently because of my childhood. I did not learn how to parent from my parents I learned through psychologists and books and lots of prayer and an innate sense of what is RIGHT and what is WRONG. Has any other parent went through this? She is so beautiful that it scares me has any other parent gone through any of this?

 

[intothelight]

@J.L. Pitts Welcome to the forum!

Be glad that you told your story and yes it is really scary as it goes against everything that was ingrained into you in childhood. Telling you story was something you needed to do and everyone can second guess themselves, but with PTSD we can get caught in a cycle of second guessing, feeling regret, guilt, etc. Do what you need to do to break the cycle and find peace with your decision.

All decisions have consequences or impact, but what people do with that impact is entirely up to them. You have no control over their reactions or perceptions as the only control you have is over your own.

No one was damaged and Dad and mom had become Christians and were pillars of the community.

Christianity is much about death to the old self and rebirth to a new. Your parents need to hold that thought as do other members of your family. Sure there will be embarrassment, regrets, fear of judgement, etc. but those who really are Christian will not judge. I think the thing that people forget is faith is so much about conversion and if they experienced the conversion you described then they will find the opportunity to share. The other surprise they will find is there are many people/families who do not have a lily white past and may have had similar struggles themselves. Honesty goes a long way towards forgiveness and healing for everyone.