I've Ruined My Life

[Kujihon]

I feel like I have to post anonymously.

I've made some changes in my life, to be happy. Happier I guess.

What I've realised is that I'm fundamentally unlikeable. There is not a single person in my life. I'm alone other than my partner and my child. No-one wants to be with me, or cares about me. Everyone has made a choice not be to be in contact with me, because I've chosen to be me, and not live a lie.

My partner has ptsd, he's done his T and thinks that everything is ok. He never communicates, I'm not allowed to ask what's wrong, or expect him to talk.

I've realised that he thinks he has a right to behave however he wants, and I'm not allowed to be upset by that, or have an opinion about it. I just have to accept it. Including hat he can withdraw and leave me alone whenever he wants, to manage life and home and children.

I have ptsd too, although most of the time it's under control, no flashbacks. But the wider impact of what I've been through is still there. I know that I'm insecure and cr*p.

I know that I have none of my old friends and family because they don't want contact with me, I don't see why they would either. I've tried to make new friends, but no-one wants to know me.

I just forget sometimes that that's the way it is. That I'm alone and no-one cares and no-one wants to be with me. I need to remember because I do things wrong then and everything gets messed up.

My partner says he loves me but it feels like just words. No matter what I do things are never right. I try to talk about some 'rules' for me, so I know what I need to do - just hug? go away? ask/ not ask? but that involves him thinking about what he does and the impact of it, so it didn't happen.

I think I just need to remember and be grateful for what he gives me. I can't see any other way.

 

[Ninig]

Your partner, your child, that's two people who want you already in their lives. Who need you in their lives.
All the other people? Look around, find what happens wrong with those relationships, find new people; they're all replaceable, the thing is you aren't. It's not your fault you're stuck with aspects of your life and they become energy draining every so often. That doesn't make you an unwantable person. That makes you a person who needs change.

That the first round of looking didn't really work isn't a reflection on you, and definitely not a reflection on your future. Take a deep breath, a bit of a pause, recompose, and try again.

 

[Nizil]

You need to care more about yourself! You need to think a bit of putting your own needs before his.

Your situation sounds bad, but I don't know what advice to offer, so I offer just support and hugs! :hug:

 

[Mivof]

and I'm not allowed to be upset by that, or have an opinion about it.

Wrong - You are allowed to be upset and you are allowed an opinion. He doesn't have to be upset/concerned about it back but you are entitled to have and within reason express your own opinions. Just thought I'd add this vital tidbit of info.

 

[Morim]

I feel like when there is an internal belief 'Nobody wants to be around me', that others can see the self loathing in ourselves. Almost like an energy that is carried around. The question I think is not how others will like you more, respect you more, but how to get to self love and respect within yourself.

 

[Muwahi]

That sounds really hard.

It takes a while to make new friends. People aren't wildly interested in you and once we are older... it's harder to just "hang out" and become friends. You have to consciously put in effort.

There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many of them are lonely. It is hard reaching out when you feel like no one can love you, but there are other lonely people. I promise. There are people who would be your friend even if you are hard because it is better than being alone. Truly.

That doesn't sound 'rah rah rah you can do it!' but it is how I think of it.

People aren't against us--they are for themselves. Usually people aren't rejecting you... they just aren't thinking about you, which can feel the same.

If you aren't dead yet there is still hope. And having a partner and a child? That is way better than many people manage. :-\

 

[Ipul]

You feel alien to other people, I get that. I know what you mean when you say that having someone tell you they love you just feels like words, it's like there's this deep connection, an emotional bond that used to be there and now you just can't feel it. This is why I too have such difficulty connecting with other people - it's like they're an alien species to me, I can't relate to them on any level.

All of my friends are gone. Most of my family has drifted away and trying to re-establish those bonds is just so exhausting and not worth it, for what? So you can feel like an alien around them too? I gave up trying when I realized that I was the one whose changed and they, sadly, stayed confined in their happy little boxes. Nothing has shattered the way the world looks to them.

My question is, if you can feel alien to people, do you think perhaps that this could happen to your partner too? My husband doesn't have PTSD but I've told him that I get points where I don't feel anything, for anyone and that includes him. We talked about it because I wanted him to know that I still loved him on some level and I didn't want our relationship to end but when that connection is severed, it's hard to feel bad about doing things or saying things that actually hurt someone else (ie. isolating and getting angry with him).

It's also harder for guys to even be comfortable with their emotions, so even though my husband doesn't have PTSD, there are days when he'll pull away from me or isolate - if he's having a bad day, the world is ending and nothing I do is going to change it. Think of it as Man Flu, it's fine, he's his own person and he's actually allowed to wallow when he needs to, just as you're allowed to have an be upset and have an opinion - Lord I know what it feels like to feel you don't have one! If he's being a baby and overreacting to something, then asks for my opinion, I give it honestly, if it's not favorable toward his side the it's on. I get the silent treatment, I get passive aggressive bull and I feel like a complete jerk for having said what I've said, even if it's only sharing my honest opinion on something. It makes me feel like I can't speak without hurting him, like I'd be better off just agreeing...but I'll never stop being honest, because this is who I am and I have a right to be me.

You have a right to be you. I get it though. Women don't get any breaks in life no matter what we have to face, we are always the responsible ones, the caregivers and we seem to be given the brunt of everything to bear. You're not alone. Women are amazing because of the things we can juggle and still keep plodding forward, while men get Man Flu. :) Hugs.

 

[Izaci]

The first part of your post is filled with amazing 'action' words like 'made changes', 'realized' etc. That tells me things are in process for you and you are coming to some difficult realizations in your life. Things are also changing for you and while facing truths like you wrote can be painful it can also be hopeful and possibly liberating.

There are many reasons you might not have people in your life as others have already mentioned. However, if you feel defeated and useless and worthy only of crumbs it is difficult to feel enough value in yourself to take the steps necessary to bring about change in those areas and the circle continues.

But you are changing, you are facing some truths about your life. You have value and I hope you can see this through our eyes, and I believe there is a part of you in there somewhere that believes you can have more of what you want from life.

 

[Tacum]

I know how you feel. My idea of a friendship or relationship is someone who says hi to me at work or someplace else. I have acquaintances. Thank god I've got some family, 12 step meetings, and my T, or I'd have nothing to do with anyone.

But over the last few years I've come to terms with this. I know that in history there are a lot of great thinkers and doers who weren't particularly social. My favorite was Isaac Newton. Brilliant guy who came up with terrific ideas and got a lot of attention for it. But he was weird and hard to understand.

So, I just put my attention in to other things than directly into people. If it increases my interactions with others, well, that's not the purpose. That's the side effect.

Good luck, and don't apologize for who you are..

 

[Sobu]

You are on the right journey. Have you considered seeing a therapist on your own or even couples counselor?

 

[Nukopa]

Do you have neglect in your history? Or times that you were dismissed when you needed someone the most? Do you know how well you were cared for before the age of three?

I ask you these things because I feel like you were trained to think this way. Read this article and see if you relate. http://www.psychotherapy.net/articl...nal-neglect:-a-primary-cause-of-complex-ptsd?

When you are emotionally well, you can ask what you need with confidence. First, you know what you need. Second, you can ask someone for help without feeling badly. When you've taken care of yourself this way, you can make friends and feel confident about weeding out the ones that aren't fulfilling. You could be perfectly content with just one or two. Even though it hurts some, keep your heart open to your spouse and kids. Make sure that you stay engaged with them.

I hope these feelings take a turn for the better soon.

 

[Abo]

I've realised is that I'm fundamentally unlikeable.

No-one wants to be with me, or cares about me.

Whoa, you sound like me! But are these statements REALLY true?

Everyone has made a choice not be to be in contact with me, because I've chosen to be me, and not live a lie.

Yep, been there! I am guessing that your life changed for one reason or another, and people left your life? The thing is that people don't like it when others change. Quite often, if they don't like the change, they will either sabotage it or even walk away. But then again, do you really want these kinds of people in your life, the ones who can't accept that you have changed? Maybe those people were only meant to be there for certain parts of your life, and now that you are a different person, it is time to make new friends? Rare are the friends who are with us for life!

, I'm not allowed to ask what's wrong, or expect him to talk.

YES, you ARE! If your husband won't even give you BASIC communication, HE is not fit to be in a relationship! I've said this over and over and over again here on the forum......communication is the very minimum that a sufferer must give in a relationship as it is the basis of every good relationship, and if the sufferer cannot communicate, then the sufferer is not ready for a relationship.

I've realised that he thinks he has a right to behave however he wants, and I'm not allowed to be upset by that, or have an opinion about it. I just have to accept it. Including hat he can withdraw and leave me alone whenever he wants, to manage life and home and children.

No, you don't have to accept his bad behavior! He is not permitted to act however he wants. You are allowed to be upset if he can't even begin to help with life, home or your kids!

I know that I'm insecure and cr*p.

Insecure, maybe, cr*p, not in the least!

I know that I have none of my old friends and family because they don't want contact with me, I don't see why they would either. I've tried to make new friends, but no-one wants to know me.

Making new friends once you're an adult is HARD! No longer do you go to a certain place everyday (ie school) and have tons of other people who want to be your friend and have no other responsibilities but doing schoolwork and having fun. Life sucks away a LOT of time, so its hard to find the time to form friendships. Do you have any hobbies that you enjoy that would lend yourself to getting involved with a group of people? Have you tried something like meetup to get involved in an activity with others?

I think I just need to remember and be grateful for what he gives me. I can't see any other way.

I don't know your situation, but if things really are this bad, then why would you want to continue to be with this person if he won't change in the least?