Have I Got Any Strength To Keep Going

[Sammyiam]

As I am sitting here so many things are going through my mind, I have just got home from therapy and I am thinking how much more energy have I got for all of this. I am getting very tired of it all, the emotions, the feelings, the guilt, the shame, the secrets, the lies, the tears, the self harm, the hurt, the disassociation, and so much more, the memory loss, I could sit here for ever writing.

I went to therapy today and sat there while I got asked questions for an assessment they are doing for funding, she is super nice, friendly and caring. I disassociate badly every time I go and see her, and now a little four year old is starting to appear that I have no idea about, she says she is very scared and won't speak. The youngest I remember is 7 ish, my dad's close friend and neighbour until 14 ish. It's like an invite or a sign on your head saying yep over here. I'm not going to say anything.

I can not handle the disassociation, the emotions, the being scared most of the time. I am a mother of grown up children and a grandmother. I have brought my children up and they are very independent and have their own lives now. I have spent my life running from myself and most people around me.

My world is getting smaller and smaller I don't go anywhere unless I have to. I never go to social events, I never have drunk or smoked as I have been to scared as my abuser when I was little was an alcoholic and I vomit at the smell of it. I haven't even tasted tea or coffee because of having to make it for him as a child. I see him once or twice a week as he lives 15 mins from my house on a main road that I have to drive on to go anywhere.

I am even struggling to remember what I have written in the first couple of paragraphs here if I have a quiz I wouldn't remember more than a couple of words. I have been silent and become a work alcoholic for the past 40 years starting around ten years old I worked four days a week just to get away from it all. I thought if I carn't think and have no time, it would all go away. It hasn't.

If you came for a day you would think I have everything, nice house car, own business etc, so many people say wow it's awesome I wish I was you. I just stand there and think ... I would give everything up in a minute to just have peace in my mind. My mind never stops it is never silent. The voices in my head never stop, I have to become someone else every night before bed to even try and see if I can get some sleep. I've had nightmares since I can remember, arms and legs getting chopped off, being raped every night, shot, stabbed, tied up tortured and left to die.
I get so scared to go to sleep often I sit up in the dark until I just carn't stay awake any longer.

I see a psychiatrist every three months for meds and a clinical psychologist once a week, my birth family have no idea about my past. Only some close friends and my husband. I was married for eight years even before I told him. My children have just been told. I had trauma again in my late 20's I got told today I was 27 when that happened by my psychologist, she has had my files sent to her. As in childhood I was so scared I just froze unable to speak or move. I stayed silent for another 15 Odd years, until one of my children went through their own major trauma, and our lives just stopped that day.

It caused my past to come rushing at me like a floodgate had broken, and I was drowning in ten feet of water unable to touch the bottom. For the next few years I have been unable to stop that feeling, I'm feel like I'm just slowly dying.
I can type this out like I'm numb, but speaking I just disassociated and turn into a little child which I hate. I just seem to be losing all my strength and willingness to keep doing this. It's like I'm so tired of the running and being scared, scared of everything, saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing, hurting someone's feelings, being told off. Pretty much anything.

I would love to have a mother and farther who I could turn to, but my dad has died and my mother isn't an option, she has never hugged me or told me she loves me which my seem little, but I have longed for that feeling for over 40 years. The touch, the smell and the warmth that you see form others when you are in town watching family's walking down the street. I have sat in my car just watching with tears rolling down my face longing for that touch.

A while ago I was so scared of even thinking about not being here, but as the weeks go on I just seem to be getting more and more numb about it all, I just want everything to stop in my head, the pain to stop, the shame, the guilt, the emotions, the numbness, the forgetfulness, the feeling of worthlessness, shame guilt, that I am such a useless person, feeling dirty, the secrets that I have to keep up to keep all the lies from coming out, I just don't seem to be scared anymore of it all stopping, being silent, just ending. Game over, and I lost. It just doesn't seem that scary to me anymore.

 

[Fadeaway]

I can't even begin to give your post the response it deserves. The best i can do ATM is send you positive and uplifting vibes, while I work on finding the right words :hug:

 

[Ellabella44]

pretty much all i have is :hug:

 

[shimmerz]

(((((sammyiam))))). So many hugs to you. Do you know what I feel when I think of you? I think of all of the times you jump on the board when I or someone else is feeling just this way and offer them compassion and encouragement. You are such a kind soul.....that is what I see.

You and I come from very similar backgrounds. I couldn't help but connect when I saw your story. I didn't realize that and I thank you for sharing. It is so painful these assessments - way more than so many of us can handle. Overwhelming is a very good word. Opening the floodgates at one time is just so brutal. This isn't a weakness in you, feeling the way you do. It is too much.

May I ask, is your therapy going at too quick a pace right now? Is it possible for you to cut it back a bit?

 

[City Slicker]

@Sammyiam Your writing is so profound that I cried when I read it; for you, for us, for all of us that sadly know those feelings you describe. I especially know that feeling too - and the fear that this is the way it's going to be for the rest of your life.

There were so many times I felt like 'today' will be the day I let go of the branch and let the wind chart my course... 'today' is the day I drown in it all and just let go and stop fighting.

I talked to no-one about my trauma, not partners, not friends, not siblings, not therapists (albeit only a brief interaction with a therapist made me decide to go it alone). I felt that painful longing, and that emptiness in my soul that you described, wanting someone to reach out, someone, the parents I never had to protect me and tell me it was ok and then if it was ok then I must be loved and safe. And it never came.

Yet each day I held on brought me closer to finding some peace in my mind, some calm in my soul how ever fleeting it sometimes is.

You are loved and deeply cared about.

 

[Hope4Now]

Deep, abiding, gentle, kind, compassionate, and healing love energy to you @Sammyiam.

Many of the things you write resonate deeply in me.

You sound so very understandably exhausted. And, for me at least, that's when the numbness and giving up are worst. It sounds so easy for me to say this, given what you're experiencing and how hard it is to do this kind of thing when there's so much overwhelm...but can you find a way to let yourself rest gently? Breathe softly and smoothly through your whole body and imagine being held safely and protectively in warm light? And keep it up until you feel rested...don't push yourself beyond what your system can handle.

 

[joeylittle]

A while ago I was so scared of even thinking about not being here, but as the weeks go on I just seem to be getting more and more numb about it all, I just want everything to stop in my head, the pain to stop,

Just remember - you are working on combating a very difficult illness. You are allowed to feel tired, it's natural. My therapist tells me all the time, "it's a marathon, not a sprint". And he's so right about that.

Dumb question: have your meds been adjusted recently, like in the last 2 months? Only reason I ask is that sometimes that feeling of total numbness/disconnection can inadvertently be heightened by medications, and it might be a sign that something in your dosing is off.

Tiny suggestion: can your therapist co-ordinate care with your prescribing psychiatrist to perhaps give you something that might make working through this period less horrible for you? I'm not saying everything is solved by medication, just that sometimes we need the extra help.

And if it helps at all, know that you aren't running this particular marathon alone. there's lots of us here running it right along with you. Sometimes we need to have our running-buddies tell us we can keep going. You can do this, just keep one foot moving ahead of the other.

Thinking of you.

 

[JustBe]

@Sammyiam
You are not alone. When I find myself too numb to care anymore and just wishing for an end to the pain, I go back to focusing on each breathe. Just surviving moment to moment sometimes is enough.
You are enough.
You deserve to be.

 

[Tinyflame]

((((((((( @Sammyiam )))))))))), xoxox.

 

[Sammyiam]

@Fadeaway and @Ellabella44 thank you so much for your hugs. I am still trying to see if I will ever be able to give hugs. But I really like getting them on here it makes me try harder to try and be able to give them myself one day, so thank you.

@shimmerz
I got the courage to e-mail my therapist this morning I just sat there and typed out what I felt while I had tears running down my face. I was sort of numb and at the same time very deep thinking and emotional. I just wrote whatever came in my thoughts, a bit like I did with my thread, I was telling her I didn't want to do therapy anymore as I just couldn't cope with the intense feelings so deep inside of me. It just flowed out like a drain plug in a sink full of water and I had pulled the plug out and I was just standing there watching the water swirl around and around. I wrote it out and didn't read it back through, or spell check, nothing and the last thing I said was, I am sitting here struggling to push the little blue send button. I haven't re read this and I don't even know if any of this makes sense but this is how I'm feeling, I am struggling to push that button but I'm going to push it now. And I pushed the button and thought what have I done.

Within 5 mins I had the nicest reply back you could ask for, saying I know how hard it has been for you, and there will be no more questions she can do the rest of the assessment by herself now, and we will take the therapy right back to very light every day things and trying to cope with your mother dying, and trying to get the thoughts out of your head about you being such a bad person. She went on to talk about the disassociation and how it has been affecting me. She sent three or four e-mails. I felt a lot better after she had sent me the e-mails. I am still not looking forward to next Tuesday, but at least I am looking at next Tuesday, more than I was able to think the last few days.

@City Slicker

I must be the same, as when I read your reply to me I cried also as the warmth and kindness you have shown in telling me that really made it hit home as what I have written others are feeling to, like yourself. I had no idea what I had written and was so scared when I hadn't pushed the right button and my name was going to come up that people would hate me and think I was a loser and a waste of space. So thank you so much for you reply,

@Hope4Now

Thank you Hope4now I do find I'm worse when I haven't slept for days, and stay up until long into the night. Thank you for the warm light.

@joeylittle

Thanks joeylittle, I went to the psychiatrist last week, but he didn't want to up the dose any further as he doesn't want more problems on top of what I'm already dealing with and says that I am on a fairly health dose as it is. He also said no matter what he puts me on it will not take the pain away that my psychologist is the one who needs to help with that. He is very nice. I think I trust him, I'm don't really know anything at all about meds so I have no idea I just going along with what they say. I am not a very good runner so I might have to try and walk alongside of some of you, some of you that have walked in these shoes for a long time, and that are very wise and so helpful in helping others on here. Thanks joey

@JustBe

I have been down to minutes for quite a while now, and then all of a sudden I'm back to months or years then within a very short period back to seconds or minutes, I can be like that 5 or 6 times a day. It is so very tiring and wearing out. I will try moment to moment. Thank you

@Junebug
Thank you so much, one day I would like to be able to do that in real life.
Thank you so much.

 

[shimmerz]

Within 5 mins I had the nicest reply back you could ask for,

Oh, the places that we find acceptance. She sounds like a great therapist @Sammyiam . Super brave (and I am sure healing) for you to have poured it out to her. I am so very happy for you! I wonder if it would help to imagine that drain you so aptly describe if you start to go into overwhelm again? Flushing it out. Great hugs to you dear woman. :hug:

 

[Sammyiam]

Thank you @shimmerz, I feel very lucky to have a very nice therapist on my side, hopefully the two of us can sort the mess I have so made myself over the last 45 odd years.

Have you ever heard of the saying ;

It takes a village to raise a child, I think it takes a forum to heal a PTSD Survivor