Are Meaningful Relationships Even Possible With Ptsd?

[Sweet Girl]

So I'm 2 1/2 years into memories surfacing and there isn't enough room to explain all the changes that have taken place in my life. I'm 46 years old and this past summer my T discussed possible hospitalization because the anxiety was so bad and I was being hit by so many outside influences.

Through the past 18 years, I've been talking by phone to guy I worked with that many years ago. We hadn't seen each other physically for all those years and he too is in recovery. We've always had the ability to have deep conversations and could talk about anything, and when I say anything, I mean everything that does and/or could happen to anyone in recovery.

I moved to his hometown early last year and we saw each other for the first time in almost 20 years. We've loved one another for all that time. I knew the memories were still coming, but we talked about that over the phone. I was and am in therapy, on medication and recently started my exercise and eating healthy regimen again. I am working hard at processing this stuff but getting close to him physically, even though we know everything about one another and can talk about anything, has just triggered me more and more. I blow up at him constantly about things that don't make sense to him or I until I talk to my T about it, then it all makes sense.

I love him more than I've ever loved anyone and he is far from abusive. He is so kind to me in so many ways and listens and nurtures me. But I keep on hurting him and no matter how hard I try, the more it happens. It is the triggers from everything I never had a child...how do you explain that off?

Anyway, I just broke up with him via text because we just got into another big fight this past weekend. I feel like I can't keep hurting him, but I also know I can't control it. He gets angry at the things I say and indicates I need to work on it...which is a healthy thing to say to someone who is not working on it, but not someone with PTSD that is actively in therapy, doing the work, gainfully employed and trying to break the cycle for her two kids. Although I understand why he says it, I can't take the criticism for something that I can't control. I am literally operating with a 6-13 year old emotional brain at the time and as soon as I process it, it doesn't happen again. There is just so many layers in there and it feels like it's never going to stop.

I am so hurt. I feel like my insides are pouring out of me from all the tears. I finally found somebody worth fighting for but because he is so near and dear, the memories come even harder and faster. My T keeps telling me I lived through the hardest part, but I have to disagree. This hurts like hell, not only me but everyone around me that loves me. I feel like the only think I can do is separate myself from them so I don't hurt them anymore. I know we're not supposed to isolate but this living hell. He and everyone around me keeps telling me I'm the most giving, loving person they've every met, I'd give the shirt off my back, that is when I'm not "in an episode". They follow-up by saying when I'm "in an episode" my eyes are hard and I am the coldest, meanest person they've seen.

Why do I still have to pay for the sins of someone else? i know this is the question everyone on this site has asked at some point, but my heart is so broken and I know I broke the heart of my best friend. However, I know I'm breaking it even more while we're together, but in the end, I'll be alone.

 

[shimmerz]

They follow-up by saying when I'm "in an episode" my eyes are hard and I am the coldest, meanest person they've seen.

Are you at the point where you notice the switch? If so, before, during, or after?

 

[Sweet Girl]

I notice it after. Sometimes I can tell when I'm in it, but I can't change it.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

My T keeps telling me I lived through the hardest part, but I have to disagree.

This is the canned BULL SH!T that therapists feed us. If anyone knew how benign my childhood rape was, they'd probably tell me I don't qualify for ptsd and should get the f*ck over it. Benign in that it wasn't violent, I wasn't terrified or manipulated. It just happened and that was that. The aftermath is a MILLION times worse. Can't trust anyone, haven't ever had a real relationship, and realizing that I will most likely be alone for the rest of my life.

Tell your therapist to take her platitudes and shove them. They don't help.

 

[scout86]

I'd like to think that the answer to your question is "yes", And this guy sounds like a good prospect.

Sometimes it's kind of easy to make decisions FOR other people that they really should be allowed to make for themselves. Like HE should get to decide for himself whether or not you're "worth the trouble".

Have you thought at all about a couple joint therapy sessions? It might help him get some insight that he doesn't have yet and that might help the dynamic.

One thing I'm sure of is, if we quit, we won't get where we were going. We might not get there anyway, but there's a chance. As long as you don't quit trying.

There are a lot of different ways for things to be "hard", Sometimes before & after might be a bit like apples and oranges.

 

[shimmerz]

Like HE should get to decide for himself whether or not you're "worth the trouble".

^^^What she said. :)

 

[mephoto]

Hey girl. female to female I feel your pain in just wanting to be loved. I know what it is like to look back and not quite understand why you said what you said it did what you did. To feel like you are not yourself in those moments. It is terrifying and you feel trapped. It sounds like you are working hard though, and with every bad day I like to feel like I learn something new about myself and use that towards recovery. Just keep working on you and slowly you will get there. I don't know if I have much good advise here, but hoping that you find some comfort in knowing you are not the only one who has felt this way.

 

[Friday]

Are meaningful relationships even possible with PTSD? Yes. Absolutely.

Is it possible to have a relationship without someone getting hurt? Nope. PTSD or not, people hurt each other in relationships. It's the scope & recovering from hurting & being hurt that's important.

Should other people not speak up when you hurt them? Hell yes, they should speak up. You're right, that is part of a healthy relationship. Lying, hiding, and depending on manipulation & mind reading? Not a healthy relationship. Borderline to full on abusive relationship depending on the scope. Healthy is often uncomfortable. Doesn't mean you ditch it.

Similarly, taking away others agency/ their free will/ their rights to make choices in their own lives? Not good. He has a right to want to be (or not to be) in a relationship with you. You have the right to want to be, or not to be, in a relationship with him. Make your own decisions. Not his for him. Tempting though being that much of an utter control freak (guilty) is.

Should you be in a relationship early in your working on this stuff? No idea. Maybe yes. Maybe no.

 

[scout86]

people hurt each other in relationships. It's the scope & recovering from hurting & being hurt that's important.

Ya think that would fit on a T shirt?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Your question is broad.

Untreated PTSD? Probably not likely that this person will end up in a healthy relationship if they are quite symptomatic.

In the early stages of treatment? Maybe yes, maybe no, depending on the presenting symptoms and willingness of the sufferer to change and willingness of the supporter to be patient.

Post processing? The highest likelihood of having a good relationship of any of the stages I've mentioned so far. I'm currently in this stage, yet still have a lot of struggles. I'm just glad that I found a guy who is willing to work with me on my issues and talk things through (so far). We're not a couple, but its clear that he doesn't want to go anywhere. I will continue to work on my own issues while letting him make his own decisions in terms of whether or not to stay in the relationship (ie not try to force him out).

In remission? Heck yes! You'd still need to work on self-care to prevent symptoms from returning, but having symptoms at bay will put a lot less stress on the relationship.

It all really does depend on where you are in healing. As for your situation, maybe right now isn't the best time for a relationship. Maybe its time to focus on yourself. To be honest, this guy has been around 20 years, right? I think its safe to say that he would give you time to heal if you explained that you need this time to work on yourself and that it is not a rejection of him.

I used to do the "switch" thing where my looks could practically kill. I haven't had such a switch in a long time. (If you don't count medication fueled ones!) I no longer get that "death look" in my eyes that scares the crap out of people.

Actually, right now I'm going to go back on what I said and advise you to seriously think about stepping out of your relationship right now. Are you familiar with the stress cup concept? (If not, I advise reading up on it.) In addition, relationships bring stress to our lives no matter how wonderful they are, so if you aren't in a good place, your stress cup is going to be constantly overflowing. And guess what? When your stress cup is constantly overflowing, you are in "putting out fires" mode rather than "healing and moving forward" mode. (There is a huge difference!)

 

[TonyG]

My answer is yes to the question.
I have been married twenty five years, I have told my wife my all of my problems, I do get angry and have out outbursts but I feel it coming on and tell her to leave me alone and she does.

 

[emz315]

Love the stress cup