Should I Just Let The Love Of My Life Go?

[Numbalina]

Is it really fair for me to expect him to wait for me to get better, or should I let him go so my disorder doesn't keep holding him back anymore? I've put him through so much before my diagnosis... I just can't find the logic in keeping him on the hook only to let him down in the end.

I wish though, that I knew the name, knew why, before my relationship completely crumbled in my hand.

We've lived together for over 3 years now. Had many, many, many, MANY downs and the ups we got to experience were so amazing, they cancelled out 5 downs. So I believed it was worth it. Now the damage is done. I have made him feel unloved, lonely, scared, hopeless, and now - faith no more. He's waited this whole time for me to stop ignoring him. To show I loved him. To put my attention, all of it, into him when he needs me to. Instead, I slept. I pushed away. I half listened - if even that, and though we were 3 inches from each other every night, he felt like I was halfway across the world. Had we known what we know now or my disorder, things would've been so different now. We already have a highly intelligent relationship, as well as have been able to change for the better, learn more about ourselves as a couple and individuals. But because all I could say or think or feel or do, when he needed me... Really needed me, my love, all I had was, "I don't know" & "I don't know what's wrong with me, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you AGAIN." Eventually, he disconnected. His faith that I would one day, be as there for him as he was for me - if he just kept devoting himself to me and trying to crack the lock by affection, and all sorts of tactics, was lost. He and I are moving apart from each other. He told me he was sorry, especially because we only recently discovered the answer to our million dollar question. But it was just too late. He can't take anymore neglect from me. He can't handle coming home from work and the house looks like a bomb went off inside of a hoarder's house, not one single clean dish anywhere, and me.... In bed. It was killing him. He's ready to start living again and if he stays living with me, he fears nothing will change. I'll continue to waste my life in bed, expecting my kids and him to take care of everything. (Don't you love guilt and how powerful it can be over you?)

He doesnt want to live with ME. He is still madly in love with me but the pain he'll have from laying in an empty bed, and have it really be empty - not just me, hiding away, is far less pain than watching me waste away everyday. I'm so scared that I'm going to lose the only man who ever genuinely loved me and tried to make me happy because he loved my smile. Brought me food in bed all the time, because I was in despair and depressed. Tried to make me realize what I had inn front of me, not for his own feelings, but for mine. I'm so angry with the men who abused me. Who impregnated me with PTSD, hitting me like a ton of bricks out of nowhere. I can't handle the guilt from making him so hopeless, he'd rather leave. I know I should let him go, break up with him. I can't guarantee that I won't hurt him again, break his heart some more. He's got very little heart left. Very little patience left for me. I don't want him to have to make that choice to leave and be happy or stay and be disappointed and crushed, time and time again.

I'm sure that some of these people here know exactly how I feel at the moment. Conflicted to the point I am overwhelmed and want to throw up, cry, run away, or climb into my bed and sleep for days until it's fixed. That's a huge yeah right. If only sleeping had fixed my errors, by now we would be married. I love him enough to let him go. But I don't want to never be able to kiss his soft lips, hold his rough hand, or stand on my toes (I'm 5'10" & he's 6'4" - our height being a favorite to both of us about one another) to kiss his nose. But I also don't want to listen to him cry quietly next to me at night, facing away, wrapped in his own set of blankets and feel frozen and immobilized, unable to comfort him like he NEEDS from me, hurting him more. And then there's the "In the future when I have my stuff figured out and am back in track, and when you have learned more tools in coping with your PTSD, we'll be able to blah..blah..blah... My whole life I have tried my F@#$ING @SS off to work hard and it be enough that it didn't disappoint or let down the people I loved and cared about. It wasn't ever good enough. My best has never been good enough. My trying has never been trying enough. How is it fair to agree with him and get his hopes floating high about my reach? I don't want to hurt him now, next year, or how ever many years it would take for him to want to live with me again, or until his 10 year old is an adult, or my 13 year old an adult.


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[Justmehere]

It sounds like your diagnosis has been fairly recent? Are you in treatment? Have you considered more aggressive treatment such as partial hospitalization or specialized inpatient treatment?

I seems clear that you are struggling to function to the point that your home conditions sound almost unlivable. You describe an expectation that he and the kids will care for your daily needs of survival. When kids have to care for a parent to such a degree, it can deeply impact their own development process. It's not something to feel guilty about - it's a reason to pour all you have into treatment.

You mention a disorder, but nothing about work you are doing to deal with symptoms.

As far as saving this relationship, it sounds like he is moving out? Either way, it's time to focus on treatment with all you have got. I think issues like if or how the relationship can or should be salvaged will become more clear the deeper you dive into treatment.

 

[sun seeker]

I agree with @Justmehere. The only thing I'll add is that you may be seeing your situation more in terms of black and white than it needs to be. See if you can see some shades of grey. Maybe him staying or leaving doesn't have to be an either/or. Maybe he just needs a break, a chance to take care of his own needs for a while. Ignore this if it doesn't feel right, I'm the last person to call myself an expert on relationships. I just know the feelings you are describing all too well, and know that feelings can lie.

I'm sending you lots of hugs if you want them. You sound like you could use some.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Do you have the option of entering a more intensive treatment program? Sometimes they really can be beneficial in jump starting treatment.

Sometimes a break can be good. Sometimes that's what a relationship needs. Maybe if you show him that you are dedicated to healing then he would be more willing to give the relationship another chance?

You've been living with untreated PTSD which kills a heck of a lot of relationships. But the good news is that you are now working on getting better, correct? I know it kills you to have to let him go, but maybe that is for the best right now? That is to take a break so that you can both have a breather.

 

[Numbalina]

Maybe he just needs a break, a chance to take care of his own needs for a while.

I know this is what he wants out of moving into his own space. I'm just so scared to be left abandoned by him. That he'll realize that I'm just not worth his time or the hassle. Living with me being untreated/undiagnosed PTSD has put a tremendous strain on us.

It sounds like your diagnosis has been fairly recent? Are you in treatment? Have you considered more aggressive treatment such as partial hospitalization or specialized inpatient treatment?

My diagnosis is only about 2 months old. As if it were a baby... Geez. I was going to therapy twice a week after they diagnosed severe depression and PTSD, thought I could continue on my own.... Big No Way! I couldn't delve into myself without being on an SSRI. I've only recently heard about (from this saving grace of a website) more vigorous treatment available. I'm willing to do anything to save myself from myself. To give my children hope again, that their mom is their "mommy" too.


:sorry:I want to know if anyone has had to make this choice like I'm having to make. And what did they do; what was the relationship's fate?

 

[emz315]

@Numbalina... im sorry to hear whats happening In your life. It sounds very similar to mine except im not the sufferer im "him" i may be new to this myself.......but i just want to say that your partner has been there this whole time for you and the kids..that means something and thats a huge strength on both sides... the key word here is that you both try and you try everyday it may seem like jis giving up but his not. i know as a supporter even when my partner is in his darkest times I remember those amazing times just like you do ....and thats what keeps me in it. My partner has told me to leave in the last few weeks ...Thinking i would be better off or happier or be with someone who deserves me...but you know what...i dont know that? no one knows the future or what it holds....i know as a supporter that everything with him feels so right even in the dark and somedays yes def harder then others ...but im not having it and not taking the easier way out...you may find that he wont want to leave you ...im speaking as a supporter... im not going to lie sometimes we do think it would be easier to leave our sufferer but its really not easier and do you know why?..because we dont give up even if it is tough .... both of you in the relationship are fighters and are both fighting battles isnt that the greatest gift...you coming on here and posting is your way of fighting for him even if your just wanting answers and you have concerns because your thinking about how its effecting him...if he saw this post from you he would feel alot of different emotions because of the words you have expressed.. at the end of the day he is the only one that will know if and when it will be the time to leave if that ever happens.
its important that you focus on yourself and that he is focusing on himself Aswell. It may be a good idea that "space" is the key but set boundaries with eachother what your both comfortable with....some of the strongest words are

.....I BELIEVE IN YOU.....

 

[Deleted member 28986]

Wow, @Numbalina. I felt like you were writing about me. At least, I relate to a few parts of your story.

I have felt so alone in my journey. But reading about someone in a similar situation—I feel so bad that you're going through this. I share parts of your pain and I feel such hurt that you experienced anything like what I did.

This is new to me too. I was diagnosed about three months ago. I'm in treatment and I'm definitely doing better. I had a hard time for a few days last week, so it's not smooth sailing yet. But it gets better.

My husband and I were together almost seven years. Six years were great, but the seventh was hell. My symptoms got REALLY bad and a lot of underlying problems came to light. I didn't understand what was going on. He lost his trust for me, and our communication got terrible . . . not that I could ever communicate properly in the first place. All of this exacerbated my symptoms, which in turn made our relationship worse; it was a vicious circle.

We have agreed we must not live together: He has become a huge trigger for me, and he has some issues of his own, too. Long story short, we're divorcing, yet we're trying to remain friends.

Developing a friendship with my soon-to-be ex-husband is a roller coaster, and right now we're on an upswing. The up- and downswings seem to be a weekly thing, but as therapy progresses I think I'm getting better at handling the bad times. I hope.

I'm also excited that he's actively working on fixing some communication, etc. skills of his own, and I see some results.

—

This paragraph is off-topic, so please feel free to skip it:

Our relationship had elements of mild-to-moderate abuse. I also recognize that early on in our relationship, my symptoms led me to make bad choices. I did not set proper boundaries, and it led me into an abusive situation—a situation that may not have occurred without my PTSD. The VERY worst thing is: During a TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE flashback last year, I did something that could have traumatized him in a very bad way. He is in therapy for relationship and interpersonal skills, and he is not concerned about that potentially traumatic event. But I feel so woeful and guilty and I'm so ashamed to write this.

—

:sorry:I want to know if anyone has had to make this choice like I'm having to make. And what did they do; what was the relationship's fate?

I hope this shares one person's perspective. If you want to talk more—truly about anything at all—I'm happy to do so.

 

[Numbalina]

:::Update:::

So, on Friday evening, my bf had to go pick up his kids and usually he stays at his sister's with them. I asked him to be with me. I needed him that night. Needed him desperately. Eventually, I drove out to his sister's because I couldn't wait any longer to see him, kiss him, just be around him.

He has been wanting to move out. I have been wanting to leave him to relieve him of the pain I cause him. Both the things I say and do, but also because he feels so helpless to my pain sometimes.

We sat in my car for an hour and a half... Until about 11pm. And I finally told him that I needed him. That I can't survive without him, both financially and emotionally. I was very scared to tell him my financial dependence of him. His family has felt I am only with him because he makes 80k a year. And I make - nothing. We met at my gas station job 4 years ago. Back when I had the strength to do whatever necessary to keep a roof over my girls" heads. I have been extremely stressed and havent started packing anything... We move in 2 weeks.

He told me that he's been thinking about his moving situation a lot and our current situation. For a long time he has felt I only wanted him around to pay for my way. But that he's finally realized it was a much deeper need for me. I needed him now to help me get myself back, so that I could be there to help him when he needed it. It's a give and take. He admits he hasn't been giving at all because he hasn't understood what was going on with me. He also thanks each and every one of you who participate in helping and informing me. Validation has been a huge help to me. So I guess I just wanted to update and let anyone here know, that I am finally comfortable with letting him choose his own destiny with me.

 

[emz315]

@Numbalina ...so very proud of you the strength you have and he has Is amazing.....just take day my day I'm giving a lot right now and not getting much back but my story is very different... I'm glad you went after him and found a direction...I just hope that happens for me. I've had my fair share of bad luck in my life....and giving to everyone around me...... its my turn... hugs if accepted

 

[Numbalina]

I've had my fair share of bad luck in my life..

It makes you just want to scream, and throw an all out, on the floor, kicking and air punching, tantrum sometimes. I know it does for me. I sometimes imagine myself, the self imprisoned inside of my head, doing just that about things - my bad luck included. I hope your relationship turns around for you. Have they educated themself on the disorder? My SO has become much more understanding and patient with me since he has.

 

[emz315]

@Numbalina

That would be me as the supporter yes :).... I am very proud of myself im really starting to understand it so much that this weekend when we saw each other I was so patient and didn't even cry. I think as a supporter you go through stages of grief.... in these relationships....deniel, anger, bargaining, depression and then acceptance....I think I hit all of these as a supporter in the last 6 weeks.... which is where I was doing my research listening to loud angry music swearing, then bargaining with god " please let him get through this" following with depression.....I think I am now heading into acceptance stage which is a good feeling as I'm not crying, I'm not getting angry.....there is some bargaining but not to much and I'm not feeling so down....also because im starting to take care of myself......... I see him on the weekends atm....and sundays are my complete focus on him...the other days we talk and text day on day off....but I'm not obsessing so much over it...yes I still have questions which I come on here for and stuff that comes into my mind but once I have the answers I feel so much better within myself and its all okay....I also have to take day by day as a supporter....its all about trying and if you can hold on to even just a little amount of hope things can change :)

 

[Numbalina]

I'm so glad to hear that. It's funny how supporters lean on sufferers and sufferers lean on supporters. It's the small things that are able to get each of us through another day.