Death Numb.

[WildMermaid]

Well, not really, as I've been crying for days, but I feel so disconnected, I just cannot come up with another proper word. One of my relative's was killed while on his motorcycle a few days ago. I loved him dearly but the last time I saw-or spoke- with him was after another family member's memorial service. It was stilted, awkward, and I cannot recall if I told him I loved him that time... not knowing that is driving me mad. Truly I hope he did know and not one thing can be done, but I'm having a tough time being in the shadowlands again.

To the point that when my husband and son went out to the store a day or so ago I burst into sobs and tears, and almost could not let them go. I shook the entire time they were gone, and they made it home safe. This reaction and mindset harken back to magical thinking from childhood. =/ I felt that if I let them leave they would be ripped from this life forever. When I was a wee girl I thought that if I wished and hoped hard enough that my psychotic stepfather wouldn't actually kill us, and heh maybe it worked to some extent, as our bodies did live, and pieces of our souls did as well. I can't believe how far back I've slipped into old triggers, patterns, fears, and mental self abuse. I'll just keep trying though, and will be going to therapy soon. Thank you for listening. *hugs* ~glitter or Rebecca

 

[Aqua]

@Glitterkitty

My condolences.
Past experiences usually follow us into the present because deep in our minds we have seen what can happen and our heads tell us things like "what if they don't come back" or "what if something happens"
It's completely normal to feel like this. Anxiety makes fears from our past come back as well as the flashbacks.

You are not alone.

I'm not gonna be online much longer but when I come back if you need to talk I will be hear to listen.

 

[WildMermaid]

Thank you @Gaara I appreciate you sharing your thoughts. Welcome to the forum I do hope you find peace, information, and trust here. I'm really grateful for this space and the people in it, and hope you will feel the same. *hug*

 

[ms spock]

I am so sorry for your loss @Glitterkitty.

Many hugs.

 

[Nam]

Rebecca, I'm so sorry. Your words really resonates with me. I truly do know what this feels like. I had an episode recently. I knew logically I was being unreasonable, but I was so overwhelmed with emotion and fear that I just couldn't keep it in.

Considering what has happened, you are doing really well. Believe me on that. Your post is coherent, you are verbalizing your feelings (through typing), and you are sharing. You are not going backwards at all. It's just that there's a bit more to connect. The feelings with the memory needs to connect together. That will allow your body to finally understand that the signal has gone through. Feelings-Memory-Body.

my husband and son went out to the store a day or so ago I burst into sobs and tears, and almost could not let them go.

You love your family. That is why. That's worth fighting for and that is what your emotions were doing.

It's heart wrenching work. Lots of tears, sobs, and shakes to untangle the mess, connect things back together and be whole again.

 

[City Slicker]

@Glitterkitty I am so sorry you are facing this.

It makes perfect sense to have these old defence mechanisms come up again when just having experienced a sudden loss. These defence mechanisms made you feel as a child that there was some control and you got it through wishing and hoping. It makes perfect sense to not want to let go of your loved ones when the old wounds, 'ghosts in the machine' are prodded again.

 

[Recovery4Me]

(((@Glitterkitty ))) Sorry, so sorry, darling for your loss.

Angel wings and prayers offered to you during this season.

 

[WildMermaid]

@Ms Spock thank you sweetie, @Nam it is indeed heart wrenching work, thank you for sharing your insights , @City Slicker I just love the reference to 'ghosts in the machine' as it is quite apt! , @Recovery4Me thank you so much dear <3 I'm so grateful for all for your comfort and your guidance. :hug: I get really lost with words sometimes- especially with these migraines- and I often feel they are jumbled and not as expressive as I mean them to be.

 

[WildMermaid]

The service, event, memorial, or "Celebration," is on the 7th. Not a chance to get there. F*#$. Other friends and family will be there, and I just have to be at peace with this. Sometimes you don't get to say goodbye, so just make sure you tell those that you love what they mean to you, as you really never do know when it will be the last time.

 

[Recovery4Me]

Growing up in a port town with first generations coming from another country...often they could not afford to go home during the loss of love ones. It tore their hearts and then a beautiful tradition started for many of the cultures...they picked a room in their house and held respects there with candles. Patiently whispering their personal prayers or thoughts each family member lit a small candle together and honored their family members life & passage.

One candle virtually lit and whispers of prayers offered in such a custom with respect:

In sympathy for you and yours

 

[WildMermaid]

Thank you for lighting a candle for him @Recovery4Me <3 what a beautiful tradition and way to honor someone's passing.