I Feel Like A Burden On Myself Now...

[J_trustno1]

I don't know how long I can pull this off now because it really hurts inside. IT just hurts to be me. I am not seeing any of my abusers, I don't talk or obsess over them on daily basis like I used to before but I'm still hurt, still empty, still not happy, still unsatisfied.

I know this whole happiness and satisfaction is an internal thing but I have nothing to be happy for about. It just hurts and currently the pain is coming out in my tears. All I see this world is as a major catastrophy. It's all about external success in this world but no one sees it from the internal point of view.

People educate themselves because everyone else is doing it, people run after money because everyone else is doing it and we are the only species who need money to have food and shelter. You don't meet people who actually care and understand life for what it is. In childhood, you are just bullied by your parent that you are a dumb kid so to prove yourself and to be accepted by that parent, I worked my ass off but in the end I could never satisfy him. He is the only person whose approval I am still seeking but I know that I will NEVER get it.

Then at work, all I am seeing is competition for money, for status (i.e. occupational status, marital status), it's all pretty much a race in which I am just a lot little new born bird who doesn't even have a single feather. I feel crushed by every little thing around me. Every little thing bothers me. I am shedding tears as I am writing this. I don't know who I am, what I am doing and why I am doing this. I thought getting a job would make me happy but NO I was wrong, previously I thought getting education would make me happy because I had to prove my bastard father wrong but I wasn't happy after all those degree. In fact, I felt empty. After study I felt taking a break would make me happy but NO I was wrong again. I feel that I don't know what I am here for apart from taking antidepressants, thyroid pills and PMS supplements a day Plus eating and shitting!

When I see people who are extraordinary in any type of thing be it looks, education, with people, or whatever, I feel that I am a no one and I can never be any good. I am always trying to look for something to do to feel better and so at peace for a little while but it doesn't last very long. I am constantly looking for things to do in life. I am not saying that I want to be a free loader but I always want to feel that I have to try hard to fit in. Since I have started work, I am seeing people who are married, or planning on getting married or planning babies or have partners but again I feel like a no one. I am always trying to fill that empty space inside me with something external but in reality I am incomplete from within.

Throughout childhood/teenage/young university student, I was told not to show interest in guys or bother looking at them or whatever because decent/traditional girls don't do it and now I am programmed to behave that way. I know that with my mental status like this I am not ready and I don't want to jump off the roof just because everyone else is doing it but then my own my tells me that I am being left behind when I look back at all this kids that studied with me at school or at uni. I am the only single girl from my cultural background left. However, in reality I don't know what I really want to do in this life. I do want someone but I don't want anyone like my asshole father. However, I am losing out my time. Sometimes I wonder if my purpose of life was just to prove my father wrong? Do I really have any other purpose? I'm lost... do I deserve anything in life? Am i just a burden on earth and myself? Life is just miserable and I wish there was a pill that I could take would make me happy but it doesn't exist.

I don't know myself anymore, I don't know who I am, what I am and where I am in life and what I want to have in life anymore. All I want is inner peace and satisfaction without verbally throwing stones at myself. I am sick of being mean to myself and sick of running after things now. But then again people say relationships don't happen unless you try for them like you apply jobs, I really don't want to end up with someone like my father or mum's brother or that pedophile. why is life so scary? Sorry I just can't stop crying :(.

 

[Tanishq]

I am in disbelief now. P.S.: I am not angry nor not mad at you. Just I can't believe what I am reading at the moment.

May I ask one thing? Do you realize how much you focus on negativity? That's why you get spiraled down and keep experiencing all the negative things over and over and sometimes for no reason.

May be it's time to stop thinking on negative happenings and rather participate in positive things so that way you can develop new habit of looking/applying positivity? May be you need to participate more in social section to look more into positivity?

 

[J_trustno1]

@Tanishq : being positive it impossible for me. I can't tolerate myself anymore. I don't like my behavior, don't like who I have become, I feel hollow and empty. I'm lost and confused. Not good enough :( and no one will want me in their life.

 

[Tanishq]

@J_trustno1 No Jess, Being positive isn't impossible otherwise there would be zero in Social section trying to be positive. There is still positivity in the world and nothing can kill that.

no one will want me in their life.

You need to be good to be in someone's life, you are good therefore you are here with us being part of forum people's lives, through this forum.

You don't need to compare yourself with others, it's not necessary at all.

 

[The Albatross]

It's called depression. There are so many skewed perceptions in the opening post that I don't know where to start. But... I know that until I got relief from the depressive aspect... all else was pretty much moot.

Jess, depression skews everything. Are you being appropriately managed? Can you bring this up in therapy?

 

[Suzetig]

I'm sorry you're in such a dark place. You matter so much more than you realise or can see just now.

 

[joeylittle]

@J_trustno1, you really would benefit from DBT. It would help you a great, great deal. All these thoughts you are having that lead to feelings of worthlessness are very distorted - and I want to be super-clear, I'm not judging you. I think these thoughts too. But DBT will teach you how to separate your thoughts from your feelings, and then how to modulate and process those feelings so that they don't swamp you.

I have no idea what classic DBT resources are available where you live, but this is a good website: http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/ run by peers, not by professionals. And this is a great workbook: DBT skills workbook

 

[Fadeaway]

@J_trustno1

You are in a lot of pain right now, and I don't think your feeling are right or wrong, they just are. It is how you feel, pure and simple. I am going to go out on a limb here and disagree with people saying you are "focusing" on negative. I think focusing is the wrong word. I think you are feeling negative feelings. You are just describing what you feel. The thoughts are a result of of the feelings.

My first thought would be, do you have anything you enjoy doing, like a hobby? If you are like me, that is easier said than done. Try taking an inventory of your interests.

In your fourth paragraph, if you change the word happiness to closure and peace, what happens?

 

[Dana1010]

Try the anti inflammatory diet for depression--balance omega 3/omega 6 ratio first. Just my two cents.

 

[Anarchy]

J,
Have you listened to any of this?

try listening to fifteen or twenty minutes of it, and see what you think.
It's good for far more than depression; mindfulness is a big componant of the DBT which @joeylittle has suggested, so it will give you a head start there.

:hug:

 

[cindymolly]

Sending you a hug if you want it, a lot of what you're saying resonates with me. There are people who don't focus on external success out there, it's just that external success is an easier focus than internal pain, so lots of people gravitate towards the external. Have you read any Thich Nhat Hanh? I really like what he says. And The Mindful Way through Depression, I second that.

 

[J_trustno1]

I've had therapy this morning and also been to my doctor afterwards. She increased my antidepressants dose because she thinks that low dose isn't doing anything for me.

I have been crying since Thursday morning. I woke up crying on Thursday morning and cried for an hour. The same happened last night where I was crying from midnight till 3 am. Then again lots of crying in therapy. I was crying while in the waiting room outside my doctors room in front of all the other patients. I've never cried in public like this before but I did it today and somehow I'm not guilty over it.

My feelings revolves around feeling worthless, not good enough, self criticism and ugly. I feel that I'm ugly inside out that no one will ever want me. And it all ties back to the day of my birth when my own father neglected me and wanted a son instead a daughter. I have always been trying to get his approval which I know that I never will. I criticize myself on everything I do be it my looks, height, cloths I wear , my personality or how I deal with people. I see myself as a very negative hateful person who is just a gutter for the people around and no one would want to get their feet /hands dirty. I feel that I am like my abusers, I feel that I am as negative and toxic as they are. I don't want to be like them. I want to be me free from all tgat garbage but it's difficult :(.

Thank you guys for writing to me. I'm sorry for the late reply as I have been busy till now (cryinh all day ). I really want to get out of this hell but it's hard.

Lastly, I am already taking : Omega-3, biozinc, 2x DIM, SAMe for pms. Plus 150 mg venlafaxine from today from 75mg, and thyroxine. My doctor also wants to see me weekly for talk therapy because she feels that my mood is too low and I need help. She was genrous. I wish I felt better. I hate PMDD (severe form od pms).