Hi,
I'm pretty new to the support group, but anyone who knows me will know that recently my husband ended our marriage and left me and our 8 year old foster daughter. This is the second time he's left in the past month - first for 4 days and then for 8 - with absolutely zero contact from him. In the last 3 months he has said he doesn't want to be me with me at least twice every week and at one point told me that he's 37 now and wants to leave so he can have a chance at a better life before it's too late for him.
Well last week after actually ending the marriage and disappearing for over a week he came back... he waltzed in and said 'can we just be normal?' - no apology, no responsibility for what he'd put us through... he insists that we simply 'draw a line under it and move forward'. I tried to talk to him calmly about what he'd done, how there was no trust, how he'd damaged our marriage, how it would take work to 'just be normal' again. But he simply responds with 'tell me what I've done wrong?'. I've tried to talk to him about how anxious and inadequate he's made me feel but he thinks that him 'coming back' should just be enough to eradicate those feelings - but like I've told him he's gone back and forth so many times that it's hard to trust him anymore. In all honesty I don't even know who he is at the moment, he feels like a stranger to me.
He won't acknowledge or take any responsibility for what he did. He thinks I'm just 'dwelling' on the (very recent) past, but in the 6 days he's been home I've only tried to talk to him twice about what's been happening. I've tried to accept he just made a big mistake and 'draw a line under it' for the sake of our foster daughter, but I just don't trust or know him anymore.
Before he left we were about 6 months away from adopting a toddler and also adopting our current foster daughter. We always planned to adopt even before we got married, and he was really excited to finally be starting our own permanent family after fostering and 'moving on' 5 children in the last 3 years (we've been married for 7).
A couple of days ago he told me that he doesn't want to adopt anymore, and that it's not the 'adoption' that is the issue but that he just doesn't want kids.
If he had said it 6 months ago then I probably would've been able to accept it and find new ways to move forward as a married couple... but now I'm struggling to see 'this person' as being worth such a big sacrifice. Last night he told me that he can't even think about starting a family with me when he's still unsure about us! :banghead:
A secondary affect of my original trauma was that I discovered it had left me unable to have children naturally. I grieved this loss and recovered but now I don't want to have to grieve the loss of becoming a mom again :( It's like he's (unknowingly) putting me through my trauma all over again. At least the first time I had him to lean on, now I just have this emotionally unavailable scumbag making me feel like I'm never going to be good enough who is deliberately opening up many old wounds and pouring salt in them. I feel like he's trying to break me because he doesn't like how I've got my life back in order.
My mom whose been close to him for 11 years has told me that she doesn't like how controlling he is of me and that he was like this when we first got together before I had my trauma. I find it hard to remember what our relationship was like before my trauma (part of the PTSD) but I've talked to my friends and family and they say the same, and it's helped me to piece together a vague picture too and I feel sick knowing that they are talking sense.
I don't know what to do for the best, I still love him of course, but I don't like him right now. I feel that staying in this on going situation with him is a health hazard :dead:
I can't figure this out on my own (although I know that ultimately I have to), so any help/advice/support would really be appreciated :shy:
I'm pretty new to the support group, but anyone who knows me will know that recently my husband ended our marriage and left me and our 8 year old foster daughter. This is the second time he's left in the past month - first for 4 days and then for 8 - with absolutely zero contact from him. In the last 3 months he has said he doesn't want to be me with me at least twice every week and at one point told me that he's 37 now and wants to leave so he can have a chance at a better life before it's too late for him.
Well last week after actually ending the marriage and disappearing for over a week he came back... he waltzed in and said 'can we just be normal?' - no apology, no responsibility for what he'd put us through... he insists that we simply 'draw a line under it and move forward'. I tried to talk to him calmly about what he'd done, how there was no trust, how he'd damaged our marriage, how it would take work to 'just be normal' again. But he simply responds with 'tell me what I've done wrong?'. I've tried to talk to him about how anxious and inadequate he's made me feel but he thinks that him 'coming back' should just be enough to eradicate those feelings - but like I've told him he's gone back and forth so many times that it's hard to trust him anymore. In all honesty I don't even know who he is at the moment, he feels like a stranger to me.
He won't acknowledge or take any responsibility for what he did. He thinks I'm just 'dwelling' on the (very recent) past, but in the 6 days he's been home I've only tried to talk to him twice about what's been happening. I've tried to accept he just made a big mistake and 'draw a line under it' for the sake of our foster daughter, but I just don't trust or know him anymore.
Before he left we were about 6 months away from adopting a toddler and also adopting our current foster daughter. We always planned to adopt even before we got married, and he was really excited to finally be starting our own permanent family after fostering and 'moving on' 5 children in the last 3 years (we've been married for 7).
A couple of days ago he told me that he doesn't want to adopt anymore, and that it's not the 'adoption' that is the issue but that he just doesn't want kids.
If he had said it 6 months ago then I probably would've been able to accept it and find new ways to move forward as a married couple... but now I'm struggling to see 'this person' as being worth such a big sacrifice. Last night he told me that he can't even think about starting a family with me when he's still unsure about us! :banghead:
A secondary affect of my original trauma was that I discovered it had left me unable to have children naturally. I grieved this loss and recovered but now I don't want to have to grieve the loss of becoming a mom again :( It's like he's (unknowingly) putting me through my trauma all over again. At least the first time I had him to lean on, now I just have this emotionally unavailable scumbag making me feel like I'm never going to be good enough who is deliberately opening up many old wounds and pouring salt in them. I feel like he's trying to break me because he doesn't like how I've got my life back in order.
My mom whose been close to him for 11 years has told me that she doesn't like how controlling he is of me and that he was like this when we first got together before I had my trauma. I find it hard to remember what our relationship was like before my trauma (part of the PTSD) but I've talked to my friends and family and they say the same, and it's helped me to piece together a vague picture too and I feel sick knowing that they are talking sense.
I don't know what to do for the best, I still love him of course, but I don't like him right now. I feel that staying in this on going situation with him is a health hazard :dead:
I can't figure this out on my own (although I know that ultimately I have to), so any help/advice/support would really be appreciated :shy:
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