Is Therapy Making My Dissociation Worse?

[PTSDbegone]

Hi everyone,

I started seeing a new therapist within the past couple of months. She has a lot of experience with clients who dissociate. She believes I have Dissociative Identity Disorder, and she has mentioned she has about 15 clients who have it. She said my case is a little unique, but she has no doubt that she can help me. I use to be hopeful, but not so much anymore. I have noticed that I am missing more time lately, and the anxiety is constant where before I'd get the odd break from it throughout the day. I have heard many times over that things can become worse before they get better. I am just wondering if it's possible that therapy could indeed be making me worse? I tried for soooooooo long to deal with everything myself. I think I was doing better before I started therapy, but maybe this is a normal part of the process? Feeling so lost, and not sure where to go from here.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

I don't know. I'm going through the same thing a little bit. Just started therapy and it's all I can do to not curl up into a silent, still, completely dissociated ball. My therapist told me I might experience more dissociation at first, but this is more than I thought more would be and it's getting in the way.

I have no advice. Just thought I'd let you know you're not alone.

 

[Lucycat]

I have heard many times over that things can become worse before they get better. I am just wondering if it's possible that therapy could indeed be making me worse?

Yes, you have answered your own question. You are very likely to get worse before you get better. Logically thinking you are - through therapy- facing your trauma head on. Something you have avoided doing for possibly a long time. Now you are being 'forced' to deal with it and it is a very difficult thing to do.

However, have faith in your therapist. As you have said she is very experienced and knows what she is doing. Stick with it and you will see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Good luck - and keep up the hard work.

 

[PTSDbegone]

Thank you both. Thank you for reading, and for understanding.

@Lucycat I think I probably already knew that, but just having a hard time accepting it I guess. Thank you for being so encouraging. Hard work is right. I sort of wish I knew what I was getting into before I started dealing with this stuff. No way of going back now.

 

[Whirlwind]

Yes. It can get much worse. Sorry, I know it doesn't sound good. For me, memories emerged, flashbacks began, my nightmares went into overdrive which is saying a lot :(. Intense anxiety, panic attacks and insomnia. It was ugly at times.

Not trying to scare you away from therapy, just be aware, and if you get too overwhelmed, tell your T so they can slow down or work on self soothing skills. I had no clue any of this could happen and it was truly terrifying, I didn't have any skills, no warning and I thought I was losing my mind in all seriousness. It would have been scary but manageable if I had just know this. erg.

Up side - I processed things, faced the devil so to speak and I have a long way to go but I feel free of some bad stuff today. All in all it was totally worth it, just wish I had been prepared/less scared.

Take care, Whirlwind

 

[shimmerz]

I think the reason it got worse for me is because I had built this dysfunctional wall of defences (that had broken down anyway, which was why I was in therapy). It took a fair bit of practice to put into place more positive means of working with my symptoms and learning what they were actually attempting to tell me about myself.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

My question, or rather, what I need reassurance on, (and I suspect @PTSDbegone has the same question) - is it worth it? Really, truly, 100%? My therapist warned me it could feel worse, but I think she missed the boat on what exactly that means for me and how it could potentially affect my life. It sounds like this is the case for you, too, ptsdbegone.

 

[PTSDbegone]

Thanks all.

Yes @theshadowoftheliving you are correct. Is this all truly worth it? Right now it sure doesn't seem like it, but I guess that's easy for us to say at this moment. I just don't want to be still dealing with this stuff years from now. I know we don't have a choice in the matter. Like @Whirlwind said it might have been different if I have had a better idea of what to expect before starting down this road. Sorry to be such a downer today folks. Usually I'm not like this at all. I also dislike some of the changes I have seen such as these mood swings. I use to be so upbeat, and positive. Yes I was wearing a mask, but faking it came so easy. Not so much anymore.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

@PTSDbegone i totally understand. It sounds like we're feeling similar things. I have to deal with it, but F--- man, things were atleast functional before. And now - well, now things are rough. And there's the fear that the therapist won't be able to contain me and I will indeed fall apart. It's hard to see something better when the present is worse than the (recent) past.

 

[desiderata310]

Yes, therapy can make it worse.. but... there's always a but...
It can get better.
I spent most of last year dissociated and having flashbacks almost every appointment. It was rough. We've gotten better. It's been a nightmare climb out. He learning what I look like when I'm gone. He figuring out what happens to me just moments before I go into a flashback.. he's managed to break that spell. We get up, move around. Gets me water... has me carry my coffee outside. The big thing is to break the spell.

I get stuck, I flashback. The day is done.
I have been able to fight back out of them but not well and not all the time..

Best thing I can tell you to do is start a conversation with your therapist. If YOU know what's going on, let him know.
I had a huge tell... I was having trouble if I started looking for the clock. If I was checking the time, I was trying hard to ground on my own. Of course, he moved the clock on me... hmmm.. maybe I should buy him a clock for that wall in the office...

Om any case...not sure if that is helpful at all..

 

[Whirlwind]

I have to deal with it, but F--- man, things were atleast functional before. And now - well, now things are rough.

Been there, probably will be again.

I have stopped/restarted therapy for this very reason. But again, I went down the rabbit hole without a clue, and I got pretty damn angry with my T for the lack of preparation. I took a class and met another trauma therapist who talked about not going "there" unless you have a leash to the present, she wrote an interesting book. PM me if you want it, I think I'm not suppose to post links here?!

I use to be so upbeat, and positive. Yes I was wearing a mask, but faking it came so easy. Not so much anymore

Yup, me too, upbeat, life was precious, I never even considered ending my life, it would have been an atrocity considering I survived my beginning. My life was just fine for me before some random events came. Those events cracked me open like an egg. I have wondered what my life had been like had they not happened. Frankly it makes me very sad to think I could have stayed "happy".

So to be perfectly honest, I haven't felt that "happy" since and I felt so bad at times it has forever humbled me. I would never have believed in a million years I could go "there".

The one contrary thought however - what are the odds I could get through life without something triggering me like it did? My events were pretty serious but not insurmountable. And the scariest part is a incredibly bad decision I made during that time, it has rocked my world ever since and that decision and my PTSD are intricately connected today. It has prolonged and exacerbated my pain without a doubt.

So I blew it in a big bad way because my trauma was lurking unbeknownst to me. Now, I wish I had done it sooner, it explains so many things in hindsight, choices I made, the "why" behind them...they affected my life permanently and I wish I had at least recognized that.

Therein lies my warning I guess.....before all of this, before my somewhat fateful decision I would be unrecognizable to who I am today. I was successful, happy, I felt tall, strong and healthy. I am tall, LOL...but I don't feel like it anymore, its hard to explain. Its not age either, I'm extremely fit still.

I don't know how old you all are but I wish I had blown apart earlier, it would have been easier to repair, I wouldn't have missed out on some important phases of life but time marches on and on some things, time has taken my choices from me.

If I could cast a wand and go back I would in a heartbeat but ONLY if I could also assure a buffer in my life from a major trigger. Unrealistic? If you were to "choose" this option, I would still read everything you can in the universe on some of the hidding drivers behind our behavior, or talk to you T about just that part and stay away from the trauma talk.

Pardon the ramble and listen to others here, I am not a poster child for PTSD recovery.

For what it is worth, I deeply appreciate your ambiguity about therapy and digging into all of this.

Best, Whirlwind

 

[desiderata310]

There's a poster child for PTSD??!!