Strange Star

[Hope4Now]

I just survived a heart to heart with my husband who is trying so very hard to understand and help. I wish I could help him help me. Argh. Feel guilty that I can't. He thinks it is so weird that I sleep all day and then come down to dinner and act perfectly normal. Says he is struggling with the disconnect. Well, duh. Me too. Wish I could fix it too. But what else do you do but try to rally the energy to act normal for a little while? Really? I don't know. Not a clue. I don't know if I should pack up and run off to go camping, or go back to the hospital, or just try to go to sleep and see what tomorrow brings, or something else. Too many things competing in my brain.

He says he wants to know what I need. I don't f-ing know what I need. Or want. Or wish. Too many "people" inside me vying for a controlling voices. If I did, I would try to give it to myself. I am totally lost. I told him that. "I'm sorry. I am totally lost. Gone. I don't know who I am or what I need to do." I feel helpless. He feels helpless. Ugh. Just big ugh. So we listen to Pat Methaney and get frustrated with each other even though we love each other. YUCK. I hate this. I am waiting to come out on the other side of all this mess in some form or another. But then I get discouraged and think I should just go. Remove myself from the mess I'm causing everyone else. But then I know that if I do that it will just cause a different kind of mess. Always me at fault.

It sounds as if I'm really depressed. I'm not. I'm f-ing frustrated with myself and this whole chaotic mess I'm enmeshed in. I'm just watching my life implode.

 

[shimmerz]

It sounds as if I'm really depressed. I'm not. I'm f-ing frustrated with myself and this whole chaotic mess I'm enmeshed in.

Totally get this.

I'm just watching my life implode.

Calm and steady Hope. You are unravelling something big here. Patience. I know that is super hard but just patience. You will come through this.

 

[Pietro]

You're placing too much responsibility on yourself. IMHO: 1) Your husband has a responsibility to do some research on his own about what's going-on with you, either through simple reading or, perhaps, doing some sessions with you and your therapist. 2) Some of this, as you imply, is because of his own struggles -- he desperately wants to help, to understand, etc., but feels helpless that he can't do any of this. Nobody likes to feel helpless, or be caught in the unknown, especially with regards to someone they love, and also, count-on.

I do not doubt for a moment that your husband sincerely cares. But he's looking for a simple, nicely-packaged explanation that doesn't exist for this. Typically dude. ;) When I first started dealing w/ this, I wanted the same thing. Desperately wanted it, and thought, "Hell, just a little hypnosis to get at the root issue, and I'll be fine." Took me at least a year to realize that it wasn't going to be like this.

Your husband can read some of the stuff on structural dissociation. It's not easy to understand, but it can certainly be a starting place for conversation. The best thing is to try to introduce him to others who can corroborate what you're going through. What you're going through is likely so far outside his understanding that he's likely having trouble believing it's even possible. Whatever it takes, it's crucial that he make the effort to understand more.

And, also, he needs to also learn to back-off. Some people are the type that, when they see a problem, they want it fixed immediately. <Raising my hand. :) > Obviously, that's not going to happen with this. He needs to come to grips with that. He can't solve this -- only you can. Not much he can do to help, other than support you when you need it. And that includes with the family, if necessary.

The upside is, you're going to get better. You are doing everything possible, making every effort, and fighting as hard as you can, towards that goal. I've known of others, from this site, as well as through other discussions, who've had a situation as bad, or worse, than yours, and who have come-out strong and positive at the other end. It's one of the few things that gives me hope for myself. :) And there is no one more capable of winning this battle than you -- no one more intelligent, stronger, more compassionate, or with more fight. Your husband needs to understand this as well -- that this is not a life sentence, but a bump in the road, albeit a lengthy one. However, the goal is that, in time, you will not only rejoin the normal course of daily life, but thrive in ways that you haven't before, and take him along for that ride. :)

 

[shimmerz]

Typically dude. ;)

lol. Love this Pietro. Except I am a chick. I fell for the quick fix ideal as well.

And there is no one more capable of winning this battle than you -- no one more intelligent, stronger, more compassionate, or with more fight.

I second this. And third it, and fourth it....well, you get the idea.

 

[Hope4Now]

@Pietro, thank you so much for what you wrote about me. Blush blush. Trying to let it soak in. I do feel hopeful today...have been managing parts pretty well.

Maybe will even show your post to my husband. You're right. What is happening is far outside his comprehension (and he is an incredibly smart and creative guy). He believes me. That's not the problem. It's just that he cannot wrap his head around it. He does not even understand any of the analogies I've tried to use. I get it, but it's frustrating because I wish he could understand. But then, I can't wrap my head around what it must be for people who don't have structural dissociation.

Except I am a chick. I fell for the quick fix ideal as well.

:roflmao::wideeyed::yuck:. Me too. But I'm a dude-ish type chick. I still remember the look on my therapist's face when I asked him 18 months ago whether he thought I could be through all this in a month or two.

 

[shimmerz]

whether he thought I could be through all this in a month or two.

lol. I had MUCH higher expectations for my T-doc. 'Um, I am losing a crap load of money with all of this bullshit. Not to mention, I am a VERY busy woman. How long will this take?' lol lol lol.

 

[Hope4Now]

Today I feel weird. I cannot identify the feeling. Just weird. Have kind of been feeling this way for about a week.

Just wasted my therapy appointment blabbering on about not much...not knowing the difference between putting on a show and not putting on a show...what to do about my biological 1/2 sister who seems to have made big plans for her and her daughter and her mother (my birth mother) to come and visit my family for a few days at the end of June :wideeyed: (I was thinking lunch with the birth mother...just that to meet her...not whole families and days)...that my mother in her dementia is convinced that I have an infection in a cut on my leg (not her) and keeps calling me to tell me to go to the doctor...that I am doing mindful breathing and movement whenever I think of it and am learning how to shift energy down out of my head into my sacrum and that I think this is maybe what people call getting grounded...which is good...but I have to do something other than just breathe and move energy around, I think.

I don't really know what to talk about, so I just yammer on. I'm in some sort of limbo place. Trying not to trigger over the edge, I suppose, while I wait to apply to this psych program for women. My husband called this morning to tell me he doesn't want me to run away...literally or figuratively. Not sure where he's getting that unless he is a mind reader. I am feeling very badly for all the worry and upheaval I am causing people.

I have a part that is eating too much. Can't seem to stop myself. Weird because I also have a part that doesn't eat; I'd like that one to come back, please, because I still need to lose another 25 pounds or so. But the eating-too-much part is winning at the moment and I have gained 7 pounds in less than a week :wideeyed::yuck:. And I'm pissed off about that because the ONLY good thing that has come out of this whole 18-month meltdown is that I lost 22 pounds without trying. If that comes back, I'm doomed to actual depression, not just this odd mental state that looks like depression to other people.

I don't quite know what to do with myself. I'm kind of frozen in inactivity and indecisiveness. Suddenly I have choices about how to spend my time, and I'm wasting it all. Doing stupid things like putting winter clothes away and surfing the internet reading about things I already know about. There are a hundred things I want to do. Why can't I do any of them. This is weird.

I'm feeling this odd sense of profound urgency, but I don't know what it is about. I suppose I will try to go meditate before everyone comes home.

I'm debating about whether to write a short piece about my hospital experience to share with my writing group tonight. I don't know how much to share and with whom anymore.

I sort of don't really care anymore about much of anything at this point, except I don't like it that I'm causing people to worry and that all I seem to be able to think about is my own stupid life :wtf:. Feeling selfish and hating it :banghead::banghead::banghead:. My husband is worried that I am "wallowing." I don't know. Maybe I am. Sometimes I think I need to wallow to sort it all out. But maybe I'm wrong. I've been wrong about most other things in my life.

I suppose this is what it means to be "unstable." Shhh. Don't tell. I think the difference between this feeling and what I used to call "scrambled" is that "weird" is in my whole body, whereas "scrambled" is in my head only. I think weird is worse than scrambled, but I'm not sure.

Some person I've never heard of called me from the hospital to find out how I am doing. Really? As if I'm going to call back and report in to someone I don't know. What planet are they on? Okay...on to meditation.

 

[Hope4Now]

Just home from my writing group. Intense. People all have their stories. They said to me, "I don't think very many people could sit here drinking a bourbon and smiling and telling about last week's commitment to a locked psych ward." Thanks, dissociation.

 

[Pietro]

My husband is worried that I am "wallowing."

Just a quick note for now, regarding this. There are two different situations, I think. One is where a person actively supports negative thoughts, such that they end-up convincing themselves of the worst. This is an active, conscious act and could potentially be categorized as "wallowing" if allowed to proceed too long.

However, much of what we deal with in PTSD is sub-conscious emotional compulsion, which is much harder to get a handle-on, and is something that happens automatically, often without conscious assistance. There is potential for managing the inner parts, depending upon the intensity of what they're delivering -- but sometimes it takes time just to get to the point where you can manage those parts, where they'll trust you and respond to you. That is not wallowing -- that, IMHO, is processing.

Only you know what's going-on with you. :) But it's common for those who've never experienced these situations to try to categorize them into something they are familiar with, usually just to make themselves feel better.

 

[Hope4Now]

Ooh boy. I'm in trouble now.
I posted this: https://www.myptsd.com/threads/threats-of-physical-violence-to-a-child.53074/ because of something that came to me while I was resting today.

Suddenly, a whole cascade of YUCK is hitting. I need to get AWAY. I cannot be a proper mother or wife right now. My husband sort of gets it, but my children do not. The moment I shifted in my bed from my nap today, they were there. And I LOVE THEM! I LOVE that my teenagers share comedy videos with me and want to tell me about their days. I LOVE THIS. I LOVE THEM. I just have nothin' left. Maybe am in some part that I don't even understand. But my tanks are empty. Now I'm not afraid I'll hurt myself...I'm afraid I'll say something I can never take back to the people I love so much. But I'll hurt myself before I do that. I have got to get out of here...but but but...there's always a but. Always something else I need to do. The mother goes to the cardiologist tomorrow...the May Day celebration is friday...the, the, the.

There's not enough of me to go around.

Daughter was just downstairs screaming at her messed up project and at me...and I understood totally and felt so empathetic but there's some other part going that is really, really resentful and angry about having to put on a good face right now. I don't want to have dinner with everyone. I don't want to be calm and thoughtful. I want to throw a tantrum.

Yuck, Yuck Yuck. How can I love my life so much and hate it at the same time. I am royally f*cked up.

 

[Pietro]

When's the last time you actually threw-down a good, loud, ranting, expletive-filled tantrum? Or allowed yourself to have that resentment? You have a right to do these things. You don't even have to do them in-front of others, it just needs to be allowed to come-out and get validated.

There's no sin or shame in being overwhelmed, especially given what you're dealing with right now.

 

[Hope4Now]

When's the last time you actually threw-down a good, loud, ranting, expletive-filled tantrum?

Um. Maybe when I was 3?

You're right, I know. But I did figure out a lot of things last night. Especially about anger/resentment/boundaries. It was suddenly so very clear why I have such huge issues in this area...because from very early on, any expression of anything other than happy made everything worse. And when you FEEL something, it wants expression. Especially when you're little. So I learned to shut down and stop feeling much of anything. I was a fighter early...it was eventually trained out of me.

You know how in old-school dog training, the recommendation was to break their spirit so they would obey? My parents were "good" dog trainers in that mode, and they used their skills on me. I eventually broke under them. Funny that I remember some of my biggest moments of FIGHT were trying to protect my dogs from their punishments. I was criticized constantly for how I chose to raise my children. In fact, the actual words, "You have to break their spirit" were uttered many times. I am grateful that I had enough wherewithal to know this was dead wrong, so I didn't do it to my kids. I'm sure I've screwed them up in other ways, but at least they aren't broken.