Just Useless And Tired

[Sammyiam]

I am sitting in my car , in town I have just picked up my Meds and think what if I just take the whole lot. I just carnt seem to get on top of things. One minute I'm high as and the next just don't want to carry on. I am haunted everyday by things and it has just come to a point where I think what's the point to all this ? I suffer from paranoia everyday and just carnt cope with it much longer. If I wasn't so useless I would have done it ages ago, I carnt even get that right. Everyone on here is so amazing at helping each other and I must thank everyone for all their help. I just am not coping very well. I was fine a few hours ago and now have just fell into the depth of despair.

I am really sorry that I am such a useless crap person but I just carnt see anything else. The paranoia drives me crazy as hell it is just so draining . And I'm just getting tired of trying to put on a brave face.

Sammy

 

[hodge]

Oh, Sammyiam, please take a deep breath and read this. I am haunted every day by things, too, you just have to keep on. Since you were fine a few hours ago, that means you will be okay again. Just please remember that. Don't let yourself sink into a pity party, that only makes everything worse. Sometimes, maybe you just have to take some down time if you can, and if you can't, take care of yourself!

 

[Kidderkattam]

I don't know your story, but I'm sorry you're feeling the way you do. Support is the most important thing you can have and I hope you're getting that. My former husband was in Vietnam twice and until just the last couple of years I didn't realize he suffered with PTSD. He died of a heart-attach at age 54, and 15 years to the day our son killed himself just 6 months ago. Of course my heart is broken into a million pieces. If you're mother is still living, think of her. Losing a child is the worst nightmare one can face.

 

[Intrepid]

And I'm just getting tired of trying to put on a brave face.

Yup, me too. I hate anxiety. It's hit me today like a tone of bricks.

But I've been through this over and over. I like what @hodge says: I am fine, I drop into despair, and then I'm fine again. It's a cycle. I'm kind of used to it. I blame the flashbacks, and the situations that made me like this. I blame them all of the time. It's better than beating up on myself.

 

[Recovery4Me]

@Sammyiam :hug::hug:

You are grieving and accepting loss. It hurts, darling and plays terrible tapes echoing our worst fears. You love strong and are in pain..."not worthless". However, there are times for some of us, when we ruminate and believe the unkind things or unkind actions that our FOO (family of origin) may have left us holding. We are not our feelings nor our worst thoughts...be gentle to yourself.

You have contributed to so many. They were drawing, expressing and happy to contribute in the manner you assisted for them to have a voice...to matter during the donation challenge. That is just one little snippet of how your love works. Sammy, think on the beautiful things you have done. Know this moment will pass. Know you are loved and we are here.

So don't put on a brave face....it is ok.:hug::hug: No one is just one way all of the time.

 

[mrsps]

Sammy!!! I hope you have made it home safely by now

You are not a useless crap person and it upsets me that you call yourself that! You are a really caring person that people on here love.

I know when times are rough they are really rough but you can get through this, even if its minute by minute. Deep breaths help so focus on your breathing.

We don't need to be ok all the time and we don't need to put on a brave face all the time (but I know what you mean by this as I do it myself) I am here and I care about you.

What will help you to get through this tough time, what do you need?

Please take care xx

 

[Tinyflame]

(((((((((( @Sammyiam XOX ))))))))))))

 

[Friday]

Feeling useless is one of the things that drives me to suicide, as well, Sammy.

You know, you don't actually have to put on a brave face. You're one of the braver people I know, and I've known a lot. Brave isn't fearless. Brave is being afraid, and doing the right thing, anyway. You cannot be brave without fear. And yet, time and time again? You move through your fear. I've seen you do it. Time and time again. So damn brave. & So much courage. It's not a mask you wear. It's part of you. Who you are. Brave doesn't feel good. It feels like shaking hands, and cold in your belly, and stupid, stupid, I'm so effing stupid...and oh hell... Here we go! <grin> You recognize that feeling? Terrified, and wanting to give up... But not. That's strength, not weakness. I value your bravery, Sammy.

I'll tell you another thing I value about you... You see the beauty and the hope in people, and in the world around you. No matter how much ugliness you've seen, it hasn't jaded you. Hurt you, yes. But not jaded you. You look at us and see us as amazing. That's amazing in and of itself. You see the world, and see uses in it. So many uses that you feel useless. Yes, I'm turning that on its head, because it's true. Being able to see the promise? The potential? That's a gift (and curse). But for the world around you? You have a true eye, and a true heart. You can see, with an artists eye, everything good that might be.

Except you cannot see yourself. Not as I see you. Not as others here see you. So let us be your mirror, until your own can be polished.

You say we are amazing. You are one of us. And we want you among us. We choose you, Sammy. You are not alone. You are wanted, and valued, and needed. We need you.

 

[Sammyiam]

@kidderkattam

If you're mother is still living, think of her. Losing a child is the worst nightmare one can face.

Thank you for your reply, my mum died on the 13 th of this month a couple of weeks ago and my son shot himself a few years ago but survived, it was like living through hell. It was far worse than losing my Mum you are so right and he survived if he had gone that night my soul would have left with him. Thank you for your very kind reply.

@hodge thank you for the reply you are very wise

@Intrepid thank you I will try and blame the flashbacks rather than myself

@Recovery4Me you are so very kind and @FridayJones and @mrsps what would I do with out you guys I'm still sitting in my car but will head home and hang my head in shame and crawl under the nearest rock.

Thank you so much

Sammy I still am

 

[mrsps]

Sammy no need to hang your head in shame! I just want to know that you get home ok :)

 

[Sammyiam]

I'm home Mrs P just got back I'm sorry to have you worry. Thank you

 

[hodge]

Sammy, I'm so glad you're home and safe. Are you feeling any better now?