Litmus Test For Narcs

[Deleted member 28942]

Also, I can be a narc sometimes and everyone one can be a narc occasionally. As others said it is a spectrum. If I want to I can be manipulative and give you the answer you want to hear. I can tell you that friends, understanding, acceptance, and self growth are the things that feed my soul and still act to the contrary later on. There is no formula or test that can give you the answer. It really has to be something from the inside. The more I work on myself in therapy the better I become on following my intuition.

 

[NarcSis]

I was never diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder or any other secondary disorders when I was tested because for some reason, maybe because I'm "intelligent" the psychologists wanted a full profile on me, so I had to undergo hours of testing to come up with the PTSD diagnosis (which myself and my therapist had already confirmed).

Anyway, if I were confronted with the question about my soul, I'd likely answer in jest that I had none because I'd immediately recognize it as a probing tool that someone was trying to use on me to "classify" me. I'm not keen on people trying to classify one another outside of a clinical setting and without the proper training. That being said, I know post trauma how wary people become of others, I keep my distance because to me people in general are just objects waiting to smash into one another and the aftermath of that would place me in a horrible spot. So that is my self protective defense.

I do agree with Anthony though, people can score high on narcissistic traits but not meet the criteria for NPD or other anti-social disorders. Just because someone is narcissistic does not mean that they necessarily have a disorder of their personality and because we can't test them, we have to rely on ourselves to know what is good for us and what can harm us. There is no, to paraphrase Hannibal Lecter, "blunt tool" with which we non-clinicians can use immediately identify when someone else is going to be good or not good for us, we have to rely upon our past learning experiences and trust our own judgement.

I'm not happy with all of these "Psychopathy Tests" and pseudo-psychological, hip pop-psychology websites that are popping up all over the internet, call me crazy but what is the obsession with identifying and classifying these types of people? So we can avoid them? To be honest, they won't avoid you and this is more the issue. I think it actually does more harm to the victims by feeding into their paranoia rather than fostering solid coping strategies and giving them reasons to not isolate.

One of my friends would likely score high on the narcissism scale, he likes to grand stand in crowds and when he's with me alone he can get very emotionally manipulative. I recognize this now and I will walk away before he gets the upper hand. I cut off his supply. This is my power over him, it's not the other way around...and I have PTSD, so there's proof that despite this fact, I can still "handle" him.

 

[illusionist]

My interpretation of feeding my soul is doing something for myself that makes me feel good in a very deep sense....taking time out to be selfish, to concentrate on myself for a change rather than filling my time with other people's needs, as I used to.

So my answer to that question may well come across as being a narc, on the face of it.

Richter.

 

[shimmerz]

This is all really good stuff.... I won't address each one as it has been a bit overwhelming for me. Still trying to get my head around some of it. I see that my thoughts on this are defensive in nature, and that in itself is a problem.

I know I have adjusted my thoughts on people quite a bit over the past several years, can see better where I end and others start and I think this was quite a problem for me back then. Now as I start stepping out, I suppose I just need to be me and trust that I have done good work in being more discriminant and identifying behaviour that may not necessarily gel with me in a healthy way.

 

[Hope4Now]

We all have narcissistic parts...I believe that. Some people's narcissistic part(s) are in control...that's where it can be problematic for others. I like your questions that you asked about...what feeds your soul? and how are you trying to improve yourself?. (LOL, I have a button on the visor in my car that says "Feed the Soul."). I think how people answer these, if they can do so genuinely, can help you understand who they are and what they value. These are very hard questions, though. Speaking for myself, I think I would have to have some level of trust in the person asking them before I would answer these questions in any but a surfacy way. (e.g., to a new person in my life, I might say that music feeds my soul/I am trying to improve myself by eating more healthily...or something along those lines). They would be true answers, but not really reflect the depth of who I am as a fairly complicated human being.

I don't think there is a litmus test for whether people have narcissistic parts that are extreme or in control much of the time. I agree with @UniversalBeing that following intuition is helpful if yours is trustworthy regarding others (some people have a really hard time with this). I agree with what @scout86 about paying attention to whether the other person listens to you with openness and attention and respect.

I think it is important to remember that people who are narcissistic most of the time (and I think there are few who are ALL the time), are deeply and profoundly insecure. That's what I look for, I suppose. How does this person I'm talking with/getting to know deal with his/her insecurities? Because we're all insecure...but only some people require the feeding on others to sustain themselves in being blind to their imperfections. If that makes sense.

 

[sun seeker]

"What feeds your soul?"

Not being able to answer that question could mean all sorts of things. One might be that a person is so depressed that their first thought is "nothing". On the other hand if they were that depressed they might not be on a date. Another might be that they aren't ready to share on that level until they get to know someone better.

He looked at me all dumbfounded like, paused, and with a look of, I am not sure what, crossing his face, he said to me, "Sweetheart I have no f*cking idea what you are talking about."

Now THAT I would say is your litmus test. That look. The vehemence of the answer. The contempt. The feeling when you first encounter that in someone.

 

[Weemie]

tbh who would answer that honestly with someone they just met? i'd be like lol, i'm dead inside.

 

[shimmerz]

with someone they just met

I think I give the wrong impression. I hadn't just met him. We had been going out for a couple of months.

 

[shimmerz]

That look. The vehemence of the answer. The contempt.

Yes. Thank you. Not the words...the reaction.

 

[joeylittle]

Isn't there a difference between being self-involved and having a personality disorder called Narcissism?

Since most of us have a reference point for the concept of Criterion A in our own disorder, look behind the spoiler if you want to read it.

Spoiler: DSM criterion A

Significant impairments in personality functioning manifested by:
1. Impairments in self functioning (a or b)

• a. Identity: Excessive reference to others for self-definition and self-esteem regulation; exaggerated self-appraisal may be inflated or deflated, or vacillate between extremes; emotional regulation mirrors fluctuations in self-esteem.
  
• b. Self-direction: Goal-setting is based on gaining approval from others; personal standards are unreasonably high in order to see oneself as exceptional, or too low based on a sense of entitlement; often unaware of own motivations.

AND

2. Impairments in interpersonal functioning (a or b)

• a. Empathy: Impaired ability to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others; excessively attuned to reactions of others, but only if perceived as relevant to self; over- or underestimate of own effect on others.
• b. Intimacy: Relationships largely superficial and exist to serve self-esteem regulation; mutuality constrained by little genuine interest in others' experiences and predominance of a need for personal gain.

Anyway, if I were asked "what feeds your soul", I would be kind of stumped. I don't think I believe in a soul. I also don't understand very well how to tap into using my life experiences to contribute to my well-being. But on the outside, I will appear to be incredibly confident, and when I've confessed to a few people that I am deeply insecure, they always answer "what?" and "why?" with a kind of surprise. Now, people who know me over time know more about me, and know that underneath the functioning I'm just not that functional - though they chalk it up to low self-esteem, and that is only part of it.

I do think the older we get, the more important it becomes to know how to sense when a social connection could be fruitful, and when it could be time-draining and unhelpful...especially when you are managing PTSD. But I think to frame it as 'testing' is perhaps unhelpful. It oddly gives a ton of power to the other person when they aren't even in your life enough to matter that much.

 

[Deleted member 28942]

The whole discussion remind me of "The Gift of Fear" that several members recommended it. Here is a short video with the author:
Gavin de Becker Teaches Oprah About the Gift of F…:

What it boils down to is if something inside you says NO that's it. Follow that voice and don't question it.

 

[shimmerz]

This is an incredibly succinct way

when it could be time-draining and unhelpful...

of answering this

what about "these people" is a problem for you

Thank you Joey Little. I do believe in souls, so if someone I was dating couldn't relate in that way then this would be a spoiler for me.... I relate much of what I feel on a 'soul' level. I do understand what you are saying - which is why I thought this

In what ways are you attempting to learn and grow to better yourself?

was a little more generic.

This thread is giving me much food for thought. I thank you.