Why Do I Feel Embarrased?

[samson]

So, I've been in emdr therapy now for almost 4 years. My therapist and I have been through hell and mostly back together. We have discussed body memories in places I would never discuss with anyone else, and, you know done the therapy thing for a long time. We have been working through a sexual assault from when I was 11 years old. I dissociated so bad as a kid that it comes back in shreds, but the body remembers everything. Over the last couple of months I have worked up the courage to say it out loud to my brother and sister, but have only told very close friends. My parents are both dead.

Yesterday we were working through a first person account of the trauma and he said I could tell him hat happened or not, but he wanted me to know that it was safe to tell. I told him that this guy raped me, but I couldn't look at my T, I looked down at my kleenex and felt horrible. I was embarrased, and scared. I had to do alot of younger self comforting exercises when I got home.

Has anyone else every experienced this? Why is it so hard to tell?

 

[Jane.l]

'It's hard to tell ' - because it puts your brain back in the same state as at the time of the incident - so your brain is trying to do a flight, fight, freeze response and this is knocking out some of the thinking/ speaking part of brain, so it's hard to verbalise and it's pushing you into a state of extreme anxiety making it difficult to function the way you would like to. It's your brain kicking into survival mode and trying to keep you safe, it can't see that talking to your T is safe it's just processing that you are telling it you are in danger. I hope that made some sense. I struggle with this a lot too.

 

[sun seeker]

it puts your brain back in the same state as at the time of the incident - so your brain is trying to do a flight, fight, freeze response and this is knocking out some of the thinking/ speaking part of brain

Thank you for that explanation! I've had similar problems at times talking about childhood trauma and didn't understand that was why.

 

[Chava]

Partly I have fear and awkwardness around even being seen or heard...like I'm not sure it will really be okay. I was pretty sure my therapist would drop me after I told her what a couple guys did to me...like I was just so disgusting. But that's just me having internalized the negative feelings, which I do very well. So helpful to get that stuff out.

But also I just have fear response stuff, sort of like @Jane.l mentioned. Simply prevents eye contact because my body is focusing on survival stuff, just being okay. I have to breathe into a Kleenex in a very particular way, like it's an oxygen mask. And for some reason keep picking new Kleenexes. They aren't "used" or anything. I have no idea what that's about. But I've been very weird about Kleenexes and breathing and not making eye contact...but coming out okay in the end somehow.

Also, I have never allowed myself comfort, so all of it feels childish to me. It's not though. Whatever helps you feel safe and okay is good. Teddy bears, humming, rocking, wrapping in a blanket, music, whatever. I'm sort of a nerd and still have problems with allowing myself to feel good, so it helps me to think of it scientifically...all this stuff helps activate my poorly functioning parasympathetic nervous system (the calming part of the nervous system). It's really human...basic soothing movements, holding things, snuggling, feeling protected. For me it's a big step to do anything close to this. It's great if you can allow yourself some comfort and care. Good work!