Finally Seeing Progress

[hippyman]

I've been away from the forums for probably a year, at least, so I was going to just post another intro, but it wouldn't let me. So anyway, for roughly the past 24 years, I had felt like I had not been living life. I don't know if anyone here has felt this way, but it was almost like I was just going through the motions. Anyway, back in 2013, I got into my first "real" relationship, with a girl I met online, and I feel like that may be what started shaking me out of it. We did the whole online long-distance thing for a few years prior, then she moved in with me for 6 months, during which I had one of the loudest wake-up calls I've ever had. Aside from her being borderline and bipolar, she ended up being just flat out crazy. When she took off in my van one day and left me stranded at home, that was the last straw. I sent her packing ASAP. But I digress, on to the progress...now that I don't have to put up with her anymore, I have found very strange things happening. I got a hair transplant first off, which could have caused all the rest, honestly. I have been updating my wardrobe, keeping my house cleaner, I have been talking to people more for the first time ever. I am actually caring about things that I never once thought I would. The only bad thing is, now that I'm starting to care, I can see how bad things really were, which sort of creates a paradox. Has anyone else experienced anything like this?

 

[Changing4Best]

I think that is called "a wake-up call" where one sees more clearly than ever before what one's life is really like and where it is going. It usually takes a heavy or strong experience to do this to us, but we probably all feel it at specific times during our lives.

I experienced it once when my then husband gambled our rent money away on the horse races and lost it, thus causing us to be evicted. I knew he had been gambling, but did not know to what extent. To make matters worse, he told me a few days later that he had found a place for himself to stay, but that I was not welcome there. He would not tell me where or with whom he would be living.

I found a place to live for myself then too, but made sure he knew that I would never come back to him as his wife by filing separation papers on him. A year later I filed for divorce. He filed divorce papers with my lawyer some three years later, which we could not believe. It was some twenty pages long, but basically said the same thing that my lawyer's divorce papers had said, but with a lot more words. There were also a bunch of statements in his papers about me agreeing that I would never sue him for alimony. Sheesh, if my original papers already did not include any such thing, why would I do that later? Well the answer became evident several years later when I found out that he had married a millionairess! It always had been about money with him, so I was not surprised....

Anyway, I feel for you, these times in our lives are always pretty heavy and difficult, but in the long run we are better off without them. Count your blessings and move on. And "May the force be with you".

 

[Chava]

So anyway, for roughly the past 24 years, I had felt like I had not been living life. I don't know if anyone here has felt this way, but it was almost like I was just going through the motions.

Not saying our experience is the same, but I've felt like I'm half-dead for a long time.

The only bad thing is, now that I'm starting to care, I can see how bad things really were, which sort of creates a paradox. Has anyone else experienced anything like this?

For several years I actually thought I was doing okay. I was sort of hyper, with blinders on. Looking back, I'm sad to think I was just perpetuating a lot of disconnection without recognizing it (overworking to avoid myself and relationships with others, burning myself out in order to maintain my comfortable half-dead feelings). I don't totally regret it since I believe I was doing the best I could at the time. But it is strange to look back from a different place and see how deeply disconnected I was through times I thought I had it made. Somewhere I crashed and realized I was really connected to nobody and almost nothing. My reality feels pretty warped and I'm definitely in a hermit stage figuring this out.

Glad you feel like you're on an upswing.

 

[The Albatross]

Welcome back and yeah... It's called a "pivotal moment" and you pivoted away from contributing to the crazy.

The realizations can come but shame/guilt is optional. It was what it was, and it is not who you are now.

 

[hippyman]

Welcome back and yeah... It's called a "pivotal moment" and you pivoted away from contributing to the crazy.

The realizations can come but shame/guilt is optional. It was what it was, and it is not who you are now.

What do you mean I pivoted away from contributing to the crazy? Is this why I no longer want to stay stuck in the past? I had the guilt already, and I feel like I'm getting over that, if I haven't already. It's still kind of a lot to handle, suddenly wanting to really live, wanting to connect, wanting to truly be better than I am, etc. Sorry, if I'm starting to ramble here.

 

[The Albatross]

...I had one of the loudest wake-up calls I've ever had. Aside from her being borderline and bipolar, she ended up being just flat out crazy. When she took off in my van one day and left me stranded at home, that was the last straw. I sent her packing ASAP.

I meant rather than stay in relationship that was clearly not working for you, you ended it and pivoted towards doing things to feel good about yourself and make progress with others around you. You are beginning to re-engage in life... that's great!

 

[hippyman]

I meant rather than stay in relationship that was clearly not working for you, you ended it and pivoted towards doing things to feel good about yourself and make progress with others around you. You are beginning to re-engage in life... that's great!

Ahhh, I wasn't even thinking about the relationship. I figured the relationship was just a way to start getting out of my so-called "slump." I was thinking more about no longer focusing on the accident, trying to actually live in the present, trying new things, finally coming out of my shell, remembering peoples names for the first time ever, etc, etc, etc. There's so much going on in my head right now, it's almost frightening. It makes me glad that I figured out my blood pressure problem when I did.

 

[The Albatross]

All those other things... they are big progress... good for you! I did see, as I began to make progress how bad it was...but, it was and that wasn't who I was anymore... so no paradox for me. It felt uncomfortable at times, because it was new habits, new behaviors... but it was better than before.

 

[Friday]

One of the hardest things for me, as I'm starting to get better, is to really see how bad things have been.

If I have some luck? I tend to move very quickly from completely jacked to doing fairly well in short order. While I can talk myself into a disbelieving slump of lost time & opportunity if I'm not careful, it's more typically with an aura of "Holy shit. Things were really that bad, weren't they? Okay! Let's not do that again, shall we?"

It's the times where I'm at square 1, again, and nothing is going right that tend to get dangerous for me. I can see where I want to be, and I can see where I am, which is exactly where I was, minus the blindfold. Far too easy to lose another 6mo or couple years in the dark. Sometimes the blindfold is a kindness. Most of the time it's just crippling, and thank goodness we're ripping that sucker off!

 

[Deleted member 29899]

Wow Hippy! First off, I'm so happy for your 'rebirth'. I am so happy and I can almost feel what it's like. Truly I know things can turn this way. It happened to me many years ago and yes, it coincided with love but I've had many traumas since then.
I'm sorry that that woman was such a mess, what a nightmare but it sounds like it may have brought you back to life. Even though it didn't turn out, do you think it woke your life up? It sounds like it. I believe love and human interaction can save lives. I truly do.
But relating to the other part of your story.... I have felt for months now that I am 'just waking up', like I can see the WHOLE picture of my life for the first time.
What caused the 'waking up' was that I was over-drugged by the Drs for decades and I had finally quit or weaned off most of the sleeping pills and antidepressants which were not working but they had kept me in a FOG for MOST of my life and I was too much in a fog to even realize I was in a fog. With this awakening, (not the other awakening like you are having and you are actually LIVING again, etc.) I can see for the first time the whole overview of my life, all the traumas, the mistakes I've made in my life etc. and it's VERY sobering, very depressing. That, on top of all the trauma that I can barely deal with. The fog is gone (yay) but BECAUSE the fog is gone, I can see the whole mess of my life for what it is and it's hard to deal with...
Can you relate to any of that?

 

[hippyman]

What caused the 'waking up' was that I was over-drugged by the Drs for decades and I had finally quit or weaned off most of the sleeping pills and antidepressants which were not working but they had kept me in a FOG for MOST of my life and I was too much in a fog to even realize I was in a fog. With this awakening, (not the other awakening like you are having and you are actually LIVING again, etc.) I can see for the first time the whole overview of my life, all the traumas, the mistakes I've made in my life etc. and it's VERY sobering, very depressing. That, on top of all the trauma that I can barely deal with. The fog is gone (yay) but BECAUSE the fog is gone, I can see the whole mess of my life for what it is and it's hard to deal with...
Can you relate to any of that?

I can definitely relate to being over-drugged by doctors. When I first started working out, I was on several thousand milligrams of seizure medicine per dose!!! I couldn't even lift the bar straight. Then I discovered neurofeedback. That literally changed my life. I was able to start cutting back on my meds, wasn't having seizures as often, and the day I got back after my first treatment, I lifted the bar straight off the rack. But like you said, I could also see how screwed up everything was, which almost sent me into remission. I'm still having to fight it sometimes, just because it seems so easy for everyone else to adapt to life. Hell, I'm 31, and still trying to get up the nerve to travel solo.

 

[hippyman]

What caused the 'waking up' was that I was over-drugged by the Drs for decades and I had finally quit or weaned off most of the sleeping pills and antidepressants which were not working but they had kept me in a FOG for MOST of my life and I was too much in a fog to even realize I was in a fog.Can you relate to any of that?

I can relate to almost all of that. I have been drugged by doctors ever since the second grade, which only left me in an eternal trance. It was only fairly recently that I discovered neurofeedback, which managed to help me get off of I'd guess 75% of the meds I was on. That, along with bodybuilding, are some of the best decisions I've made.