I stopped seeing my therapist because she sided with one of my abusers

[toomuch2]

I had a therapist that I liked, but she is supervised by the owner who is also a therapist. The owner has several trauma certifications. Two times my normal therapist had to cancel so I met with the owner. She's very outspoken which is off putting to me.

I've been through a lot of ongoing trauma, but that day she wanted to discuss my earliest traumas - which were molestation by a family member and a forced pregnancy termination during college, unrelated to the molestation.

I was in a committed relationship for several years when I got pregnant in college. I did not want to terminate. My mother lied and said she called a nurse hotline and they told her my child would not be healthy based on a medication I was on (found out later she lied) and said she'd kick me out of the house if I didn't. I reluctantly scheduled since my boyfriend's family and my mom didn't want me to have the child. I went to the clinic and told them I didn't want to do it. They tried telling my boyfriend, but he said he couldn't help me and I was too scared to have my mom talked to. She was a very volatile person who also didn't handle my molestation well. So I went ahead and did the thing I didn't want to do.

It's been decades and I still want to die over it (I'm not actively suicidal). It ruined me so much.

The owner therapist said something about forgiving my one abuser. I was like are you saying my mom deserves forgiveness and my molester doesn't? She said yes. Your mom was trying to act in your best interest. The same woman who wanted me to continue to see my molester?

I couldn't believe someone trained in trauma would see it that way and as a therapist have a right to share her opinion about MY life experiences.

I didn't want to support the practice anymore, since the owner obviously makes money no matter who I see, so I stopped seeing my original therapist. I felt retraumatized.

Thoughts?

 

[Sideways]

Mod Note:
Trigger warning removed - we don’t use them on this forum. You can read more about that in the Community Constitution.

 

[Movingforward10]

That owner therapist was waaaay out of line suggesting that. I’m also curious why she picked the topics to discuss. And why, when she is stepping in for another therapist, she’s doing heavy trauma work with you rather than just holding the situation with you until your usual therapist is back.

so I can understand why you have walked away from both.
however, i’m left wondering if you miss your usual therapist and if that therapist helped? and if you want to talk this all through with that usual therapist?

or are you asking how to find a new therapist?

 

[Sideways]

I saw a ‘therapist’ who seemed pretty great based on her qualifications and online reviews. On my first day, she told me I should forgive my abuser (a pedophile). She reasoned that there’s no point holding onto anger for sharks acting like sharks and attacking swimmers thinking they were fish, and the same goes for pedophiles who sexually abuse children…

I can shrug it off now, but I actually got into a fender bender as I fled because I was so messed up by what she had said.

Bad therapists happen. Like any other profession. This one that you saw was way out of line, and it makes perfect sense to be angry about that (and never go back!). Because you deserve better.

 

[arfie]

hello toomuch. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.

i feel like i need to advise you ahead that i believe in the f-word (forgiveness). please stop reading now if my use of the f-word is going to take you unforgivable places.

if you are still reading. . .

when i was fighting my way out of the throwaway kid camps of the early 70's, my world was neatly divided into two enemy camps. "us" and "THEM." alas, that neat division never stayed neat. "us" kept reducing to little ol' me against the world. forgiveness? trauma induced amnesia was the closest i understood to forgiveness. who needs to f-word what can be forgotten? that approach almost worked except for the forgetting to show up for life. forgetting can be as vicious a habit as booze and drugs.

the f-word proved to be my ticket out of that self-policed isolation chamber. not as a pardon of the crimes committed against me, but as a radical acceptance that ^it^ happened and can't be undone. the perps are still **out there** but i am not the national guard. it's not my job to hunt them down, nor does radical acceptance (forgiveness) require i wash their underwear for them. it most certainly doesn't require i condone their actions.

at present, my definition of "forgiveness" is not about the perpetrator. it is about radical acceptance that ^it^ happened. ^it^ is still out there. i deserve a peaceful and serene life in spite of ^it^. forgiveness is about letting go of the pain and bitterness which is eating holes in my soul. it is not the letting go which hurts. it is the holding on which binds me to my perps for as long as i hold on to that pain and bitterness. forgiveness is about the freedom of letting go.

 

[ellzeena]

I had a therapist that I liked, but she is supervised by the owner who is also a therapist. The owner has several trauma certifications. Two times my normal therapist had to cancel so I met with the owner. She's very outspoken which is off putting to me.

I've been through a lot of ongoing trauma, but that day she wanted to discuss my earliest traumas - which were molestation by a family member and a forced pregnancy termination during college, unrelated to the molestation.

I was in a committed relationship for several years when I got pregnant in college. I did not want to terminate. My mother lied and said she called a nurse hotline and they told her my child would not be healthy based on a medication I was on (found out later she lied) and said she'd kick me out of the house if I didn't. I reluctantly scheduled since my boyfriend's family and my mom didn't want me to have the child. I went to the clinic and told them I didn't want to do it. They tried telling my boyfriend, but he said he couldn't help me and I was too scared to have my mom talked to. She was a very volatile person who also didn't handle my molestation well. So I went ahead and did the thing I didn't want to do.

It's been decades and I still want to die over it (I'm not actively suicidal). It ruined me so much.

The owner therapist said something about forgiving my one abuser. I was like are you saying my mom deserves forgiveness and my molester doesn't? She said yes. Your mom was trying to act in your best interest. The same woman who wanted me to continue to see my molester?

I couldn't believe someone trained in trauma would see it that way and as a therapist have a right to share her opinion about MY life experiences.

I didn't want to support the practice anymore, since the owner obviously makes money no matter who I see, so I stopped seeing my original therapist. I felt retraumatized.

Thoughts?

Oh, I have a thought. NO THERAPIST is EVER supposed to give you ADVICE or tell you how to FEEL or how to ACT. You're in the wrong practice. Regardless of the outrageous behaviors you endured, which believe me if you were my daughter I would have castrated your molestor and empowered your pregnancy whether or not the baby could have been damaged by medication, your therapist helps YOU to FEEL and PROCESS and come to terms with your trauma. The therapist cannot REMOVE the trauma, it cannot REMOVE the pain, nothing touches PTSD so far I've tried BUT: when your therapist understands you well, and is actually in the right job (most aren't), she will encourage you get in touch with your feelings even when they're very bad and then help you to intellectually address them. This means, you "know" the reality now, you've processed it, but the emotions are going to keep coming back and back and back and you use what you "know", what you've learned in therapy, to counteract the results. Does it always work? I wouldn't be in this forum if it worked. Nothing works. I've been investigating MDMA but it's in research of course, do they ever actually STOP research and let patients TRY? Apparently not in my lifetime. I've investigated ketamine but I think I'm too old to mess with my brain with infusions and I'm totally alone so if something goes wrong, I won't know it and neither will anyone else. Discuss this issue with the therapist in that practice but I'd be looking for someone else and that's hard because it takes months for a therapist to get to know you. And one more thing: you're not alone in the torment of abortion. There are millions of women who suffer because they had an abortion. That doesn't help the grief, the self blame, the torture of what if, why did I, why didn't I, but it does help to know others are also struggling and maybe you can find a support group IRL. You lost your own childhood, it was awful, it was victimized, it was stolen from you; and then you lost your own child. You don't have to FORGIVE anyone except yourself. You deserve to forgive YOURSELF.

 

[toomuch2]

That owner therapist was waaaay out of line suggesting that. I’m also curious why she picked the topics to discuss. And why, when she is stepping in for another therapist, she’s doing heavy trauma work with you rather than just holding the situation with you until your usual therapist is back.

so I can understand why you have walked away from both.
however, i’m left wondering if you miss your usual therapist and if that therapist helped? and if you want to talk this all through with that usual therapist?

or are you asking how to find a new therapist?

Thank you for your thoughtful response.

I'm conflicted. For the most part, I was happy with the original therapist. She's young, though, and still learning. I find that to be an attribute, where I was initially thinking it would be a detriment. In this situation, she's being overseen clinically by the other therapist, and I think that the owner's treatment style will inevitably influence my therapist. Because my therapist is overseen, she has to discuss her cases with the owner, so I would still basically be treated by both. I'm also financial supporting the owner's practice which bothers me.

Yet, I liked my therapist enough and really don't want to have to start all over again with a whole new therapist.

 

[toomuch2]

hello toomuch. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.

i feel like i need to advise you ahead that i believe in the f-word (forgiveness). please stop reading now if my use of the f-word is going to take you unforgivable places.

if you are still reading. . .

when i was fighting my way out of the throwaway kid camps of the early 70's, my world was neatly divided into two enemy camps. "us" and "THEM." alas, that neat division never stayed neat. "us" kept reducing to little ol' me against the world. forgiveness? trauma induced amnesia was the closest i understood to forgiveness. who needs to f-word what can be forgotten? that approach almost worked except for the forgetting to show up for life. forgetting can be as vicious a habit as booze and drugs.

the f-word proved to be my ticket out of that self-policed isolation chamber. not as a pardon of the crimes committed against me, but as a radical acceptance that ^it^ happened and can't be undone. the perps are still **out there** but i am not the national guard. it's not my job to hunt them down, nor does radical acceptance (forgiveness) require i wash their underwear for them. it most certainly doesn't require i condone their actions.

at present, my definition of "forgiveness" is not about the perpetrator. it is about radical acceptance that ^it^ happened. ^it^ is still out there. i deserve a peaceful and serene life in spite of ^it^. forgiveness is about letting go of the pain and bitterness which is eating holes in my soul. it is not the letting go which hurts. it is the holding on which binds me to my perps for as long as i hold on to that pain and bitterness. forgiveness is about the freedom of letting go.

Where is the accountability in forgiveness though?

 

[arfie]

interesting question, toomuch. thank you. i can't say i have pondered the question before, but here is my initial brain fart.

in my particular case, my primary perp was convicted and served hard time in two states before my recovery had progressed far enough to hear the f-word without turning me into a psychotic maniac. my father was the only perp held accountable, but ? ? ? the justice did not provide the panacea i had hoped for. it was just-ice. the lifetime of uncompromising bitterness continued eating holes in my soul and wreaking havoc in my life.

the accountability in forgiveness was that, no matter the source of the injury, healing is an inside job. letting go of that pain and bitterness is up to me. nobody can do it for me. at 70, i believe the gain of forgiveness was worth the pain of letting go. just believing. proof irrelevant. for sure, i am sleeping far more peacefully these days. maybe it's just because i am no longer a hot commodity on the sexual predator market.

for what it's worth
i forgave my father for being a sick-assed perv, but i never did introduce him to his grandchildren. healing hopes for all. no exceptions.