Therapy And Self-worth

[blue.eyes]

I'm new here--this is my first post. I'm really glad I found this forum.

I am struggling with something in therapy and am wondering how other people with Complex PTSD have improved.

My self worth is really bad at this point. I've had depression for several years now, on top of all the PTSD symptoms, and nothing has helped. I think it seems more and more hopeless as time passes because I've had the depression for so long.

I'm really attached to my therapist but lately have been wondering if it's doing more harm than good. He's very good in many aspects, but he doesn't show feelings of affection for me and hardly ever says positive things about me. I know you aren't supposed to get your self worth from outside of yourself, but I never had any because my parents were very neglectful and abusive. I'm nearly 40 now, so it's not just going to spontaneously appear now.

Does your therapist, maybe through her actions, help you with your self worth? What is it that s/he does that has helped you in this area?

I really appreciate any responses. It's really holding me back and I just feel hopeless at this point. Maybe hearing others' stories can help restore my hope. :(

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I know you aren't supposed to get your self worth from outside of yourself, but I never had any because my parents were very neglectful and abusive.

I think this argument falls apart when you don't get a feeling of self worth as a child. That is, you never had parents to instill that initial positive sense of self worth, so how can you possibly be expected to pull it out of the air now? I can see how that argument applies to those who did have a strong parental relationship, but for those of us who got a negative sense of self worth? Not so much. I think that at first we can gain an external sense of self worth, but then we should use this as a springboard to form our own sense of self worth. (I mean this is pretty much the path that kids take, right?)

 

[blue.eyes]

I think that at first we can gain an external sense of self worth, but then we should use this as a springboard to form our own sense of self worth. (I mean this is pretty much the path that kids take, right?)

That's a really good point and maybe is what I need. If my therapist could help with my self worth, if that's what some therapies do, maybe I can use that to do more things which would build positive experiences. Those positive experiences would support new ways of looking at things and new behaviors from which my self-worth would grow and build upon.

Does anyone have concrete examples of how this works?

 

[blue.eyes]

I have a core belief that I'm not lovable. People only loved me for what I could give to them (pleasure through my body, etc). While I know rationally that this is likely not true, emotionally, It effects me almost every day. I thought if my therapist showed me that I was lovable through his actions, it would plant a seed where I can grow through other relationships.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

@blue.eyes I think that this is one of the hardest things for me in therapy sometimes - I want my therapist to fill a role that should have been filled by a parent. I want love. I want affection. I want the things that I didn't get to have as a child. But I also think that this would be a failing enterprise. They aren't my parent. They are my therapist, and expecting them to provide me with this sort of love and affection is just a failing enterprise/one that will ultimately fall apart because their role is different as a therapist.

 

[blue.eyes]

@blue.eyes They aren't my parent. They are my therapist, and expecting them to provide me with this sort of love and affection is just a failing enterprise/one that will ultimately fall apart because their role is different as a therapist.

Sorry you are struggling with wanting your therapist to fill a parental role. :( I'm right with you--it is so difficult not having had that.

I have parental transference with him, but I would not expect parental love from him. Only in my fantasies. :notworthy: It's just that I show more feelings of affection for my coworkers, for example, than he shows with me. But I don't have an intimate relationship with my coworkers...I feel like he doesn't like me at all, just tolerates me because I pay him. It reinforces my belief that people only want something to do with me if I offer them something they need. Well this is kind of separate from his not showing affection, but I think if he did it would sort of counteract this troubling belief.

I know self worth (usually referred to as self-esteem) is one of the reasons people seek therapy as it is unfortunately a side effect of trauma, so I wonder how it worked for those who saw an improvement in self worth over time as a result of therapy. Afterall, it's frequently said that it's the relationship that heals.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Its sort of like you have to throw all of that crappy normie advice out of the window because much of it doesn't apply to us. It WOULD apply to us if we had received firm foundations like they had (or in other aspects, hadn't been traumatized, etc). I've had to deal with this in therapy (ie a therapist thinking that what helps normal people would help someone who has been sexually abused, etc). Not that we need a separate realm away from reality for healing, but you KWIM.

 

[blue.eyes]

It WOULD apply to us if we had received firm foundations like they had (or in other aspects, hadn't been traumatized, etc)....Not that we need a separate realm away from reality for healing, but you KWIM.

Yes, exactly! I really think the first year of an infants life really affects the development through adulthood and I know I was completely neglected as an infant. That base sense of self cushions the impact of later childhood and adult traumas. My mother did not want me, always said her children 'ruined her life', and I can only deduce that when she wasn't neglecting me, she looked at me with regret, disdain, and hate. I internalized that into my development/personality before I could even talk. That's how children initially learn about themselves. I need to unlearn that, but after nearly 2 years of therapy with him, am not even close.

I hope someone can explain how it works with therapy.

 

[Suzetig]

But I don't have an intimate relationship with my coworkers...I feel like he doesn't like me at all, just tolerates me because I pay him. It reinforces my belief that people only want something to do with me if I offer them something they need. Well this is kind of separate from his not showing affection, but I think if he did it would sort of counteract this troubling belief.

I think this actually sounds like transference - eg feeling in your therapy relationship the way you do in other relationships. Is there evidence to suggest he doesn't like you or want you there? And do you know what you're looking for when you want him to show affection? It can be very difficult for therapists to show affection and keep clear boundaries - while affection may give you a sense of security it can really blurr boundaries and confuse the therapeutic relationship. There's nothing wrong with wanting affection from your therapist, but they have a fine line to walk on how they show care while keeping boundaries.

If you get a sense of what him showing you affection would look like and look for evidence that he has a professional care for you it may help you think through where the gaps are with him and where you should look to have those gaps filled.

 

[falling_wave]

It might be beneficial to tell your T that you struggle with self worth. You can ask him how he would recommend you work on that. That will get it out in the open and he will be able to help you better. For me my T has helped me with my self-worth by helping be see value and importance in who I am through what I share with her each week. It takes kind of a long process in therapy for this to really sink in. I think I have a positive transference with my T too where some days when she can see I've really been working hard it is clear she's proud of me. That is very healing for me but not all Ts believe in showing this even if it's true. I'm not sure how long you've been in therapy though. I've been about two years and we've been through so much together. I think how well she knows me has something to do with it. It sounds good that you have an attachment so something must be right. I'd just bring it up and see what happens. Not everyone can call things out and be dedicated to exploring it so if you can do that it's likely he will respect you for that.

 

[Meadowsweet]

He's very good in many aspects, but he doesn't show feelings of affection for me and hardly ever says positive things about me.

My therapist did help me with self-worth. She didn't show affection or say positive things about me in a personal way (I think that could cause dependence on her) but as I spoke she would point out things that my negative mental filter missed. For example, when I spoke about my thoughts about other people, she would point out that I was thinking nice thoughts and being understanding about them, and that's because I'm a nice person and I care about other peoples feelings. And she would draw on that to challenge me about the way I treat aspects of myself.

So as I say, it wasn't her personal opinion of me, but it was part of the therapy process to help me view myself in a different way.

 

[watundah]

I think you should get positive affirmations from your therapist, reminding you of your strengths. These are things we need to hear especially during low points when we feel like crap. One way to cancel out negative self worth is to stop the nasty self talk in our heads and hearing positive messages from the outside helps. Also when my T tells me what good things she recognizes in me I feel like she really does know me. So I don't think your expectations are out of the norm. We can't feed ourselves until we know how.