Therapy And Self-worth

[joeylittle]

It's just that I show more feelings of affection for my coworkers, for example, than he shows with me. But I don't have an intimate relationship with my coworkers...I feel like he doesn't like me at all, just tolerates me because I pay him. It reinforces my belief that people only want something to do with me if I offer them something they need.

Do you think it's possible that he is actually showing you an appropriate level of affection, but you can't 'see' it? The reason I'm asking is that I've struggled a long time with this idea you wrote about, that people only want me in their lives because I can provide a service of some kind, and I was always craving some kind of relationship that didn't feel like that.

But I've come to realize, just over the last few years, that a big part of the equation is my inability to perceive people being nice to me - or kind, or showing affection, or admiration, or pretty much anything positive. I dismiss it as 'well, that's just what people do'...but actually, it's not. It's people showing affection. So, I've discovered that I've been chasing after a feeling that I probably wouldn't notice if it hit me right between the eyes, if that makes sense.

I think you can work some of these things out with your therapist, but I don't know if it's realistic to have your therapist be the person who will give you what you need. Definitely, opening up a conversation about self-worth is going to be productive. And you would probably benefit from actually having the convo with your therapist about whether or not he is merely tolerating you, or whether he likes working with you - that's a slight difference from whether he likes you or not, but I believe it's an important one.

You could also start observing how often you translate things that people say into what you think they mean. Like, I'm wondering what your therapist has said that has given you the impression he only tolerates you? What has he actually said?

 

[blue.eyes]

I think this actually sounds like transference - eg feeling in your therapy relationship the way you do in other relationships.

Maybe I should have provided more background. He and I have discussed this several times. We've also discussed my self-worth several times. I never had this problem with any therapist (I've seen 4 different therapists besides him) or other close relationships in the past. With other issues, and I've been seeing him for almost 2 years now, we normally come to terms about things.

My self-worth issues manifest in different ways, of course.

So at this point, I'm not looking for others to tell me if the issue is/is not valid.

If you get a sense of what him showing you affection would look like and look for evidence that he has a professional care for you it may help you think through where the gaps are with him and where you should look to have those gaps filled.

Yes, thanks, I think that's what I'm trying to do. Hearing examples from others, I thought, would help me work through this.

 

[blue.eyes]

For me my T has helped me with my self-worth by helping be see value and importance in who I am through what I share with her each week. It takes kind of a long process in therapy for this to really sink in. I think I have a positive transference with my T too where some days when she can see I've really been working hard it is clear she's proud of me. That is very healing for me but not all Ts believe in showing this even if it's true.

Thank you so much for answering my original questions. How is it clear she's proud of you? Those are the signs I'm not seeing. It sounds like you have a really good relationship. I'm wondering if my therapist doesn't believe in showing things, but I normally can tell from body language and other non-verbals if someone likes me. It's just as if it's completely missing from him.

(I think I answered your questions in my last post.)

 

[blue.eyes]

My therapist did help me with self-worth. She didn't show affection or say positive things about me in a personal way (I think that could cause dependence on her) but as I spoke she would point out things that my negative mental filter missed. For example, when I spoke about my thoughts about other people, she would point out that I was thinking nice thoughts and being understanding about them, and that's because I'm a nice person and I care about other peoples feelings. And she would draw on that to challenge me about the way I treat aspects of myself.

So as I say, it wasn't her personal opinion of me, but it was part of the therapy process to help me view myself in a different way.

Thanks for answering my original questions. That sounds very helpful.

she would point out that I was thinking nice thoughts and being understanding about them, and that's because I'm a nice person and I care about other peoples feelings. And she would draw on that to challenge me about the way I treat aspects of myself.

He's never said anything like this to me before. This is a good example of what I think I need (it doesn't have to be that I'm 'nice"), as I think I treat myself badly. If he gives me positive affirmations, then maybe I can start to see myself in a more positive way. Just like how you said it helps you.

 

[blue.eyes]

I think you should get positive affirmations from your therapist, reminding you of your strengths. These are things we need to hear especially during low points when we feel like crap. One way to cancel out negative self worth is to stop the nasty self talk in our heads and hearing positive messages from the outside helps. Also when my T tells me what good things she recognizes in me I feel like she really does know me. So I don't think your expectations are out of the norm. We can't feed ourselves until we know how.

Thank you for this. Yes, stopping the self-talk seems to be something that would help me.

 

[blue.eyes]

You could also start observing how often you translate things that people say into what you think they mean. Like, I'm wondering what your therapist has said that has given you the impression he only tolerates you? What has he actually said?

I just added a post where I mentioned that we have discussed this several times already. I don't think I have the same issue as you, but I understand what you are saying.

The absence of things--verbals and non-verbals--is what leads me to think he doesn't feel any attachment or affection towards me and that he doesn't like me very much.

 

[joeylittle]

I normally can tell from body language and other non-verbals if someone likes me. It's just as if it's completely missing from him.

Gotcha. It's just tricky, because he's not a friend (of course, I'm not saying you don't know that) and he's not a colleague, he's your therapist - which seems unlike any other relationship on earth. Can you share how you tell with other people, and whether those kinds of signals would be appropriate for him (in your eyes)?

It's also true that there are different schools of thought in therapy about what is or is not helpful to express to a client. You could ask him what his beliefs are around that, in general, and then around you, in particular.

 

[Chava]

I don't know him, but it could be that he's just a much more reserved type than your previous therapists and does not show much warmth. He's maybe focused on the "work" part of therapy (which to me does include positive and warm connection, but that's me). His style maybe works very well for some people. But it might be helpful to consider that it is not you, but him and just how he is. I have a lots of cool-ish and aloof family members who I know care about me...we just never learned to show our feelings in very warm, smiley, encouraging ways. I would actually do well with a therapist like yours...or it would feel comfortable. But I'd probably go nowhere. I'm challenged by feeling warmth, kindness, and positive connection (those are the people I sort of want to run from!)

But if you can't accept him for the way he is, or it feels like a very bad fit and you can't adapt, consider a different therapist.

My therapist is very kind, warm, empathetic. We are working on early trauma and attachment/connection stuff at this point...I think she has a good understanding of this stuff and appropriate therapeutic use of it. She can't replace a parent. It's helpful to understand the difference (and I'm like 40, so really don't want a parent-type anyone anyway! :wtf: But would love to take care of myself better or grow my own kinder internal parent). We can work on tools like transferring the kindness and warmth to ourselves, or holding positive instead of negative voices (I do hear some of my therapist's positive and encouraging words turning into my own words, applied to my own self care, if that makes sense).

It's also like I'm building muscles to even tolerate good connection and feel safe around others, so I can challenge myself to do that in other parts of my life. It's not that we can get new parents, but to some degree you can work with the early trauma and attachment stuff. You can internalize new messages and feelings and carry them with you. You do probably have to work through and understand some transference stuff, but then you are free to notice and understand your patterns. It helps me know more about what kinds of connections I can tolerate and where I can challenge myself (so far still limited, but trying to keep better connected to my small group of current friends).

Basically, you don't have to tolerate a therapist that just feels like a wrong fit. But let him know about your self worth feelings, and even that you feel discouraged in therapy, if you can. Many therapists can modulate their approach. Maybe he could do that some, or help you work with the self worth. But if you have certain expectations of a lot of warmth and encouragement, notice if that might just not be his style and have little to do with his feelings about you. ???

 

[watundah]

Im with Chava. I read that in order to be a good therapist, one must love their clients. Perhaps in an empathic way or empathetic way, and maybe to some extent a parental way. But this is something that we can feel and pick up on a subconscious level and a necessity for healing. Some seem better at letting us see behind that door.

 

[falling_wave]

How is it clear she's proud of you?

She tells me directly sometimes but otherwise she will kind of approve of different actions I took that I shared with her. There is a certain body language and glow in her face when she is proud of me. I don't think she is trying to hide it though. She also shows concern for some choices I make in her facial expressions and body language too so I think she is just expressive.

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm sorry I must go & can't read all the content. I'm not sure about therapeutic relationships, but relationships of all kinds are therapeutic in a sense if there is truth, honesty, sincerity & respect.

I think some of the difficulty (for myself) is mistrust or self-talk too, & simply as others have said, I am very literal. I don't presume to know what anyone thinks, or thinks of what I say or do or choose or how I am, so without feedback I am at a loss. Mostly I would suspect the worse, at best be neutral. But if it's not truthful it means nothing, or is worse.

However, I can't envision telling this stuff to a stranger, so I'm not sure if this is a suitable post. I totally get professional boundaries, but people should still be 'human'. I have been very fortunate because in my 'un-fortunateness' of therapy being out of reach (& I think God knows would have been impossible in my shut down self) I still have received help & guidance & wisdom. I could have never opened up to someone cold though (apologies if they are not).

Best wishes to you.

 

[blue.eyes]

Thank you so much for all your responses.

I recently found out you can't edit or delete your words after posting, so I'm not comfortable using this forum-I feel 'spooked'. Everything in my life is going wrong right now, so I'm too vulnerable to put my thoughts out there and not be able to delete them when I feel shame.

I'll try again maybe when I'm in a better place.

Take care.