The Email I Probably Won't Send But Want To

[SeaQuel]

I've tried writing a thread a few times to pose a question/vent/etc, but I cannot find the words. I'm copying here an email I almost just sent to my therapist and maybe I still will. I feel crushed and so, so confused. I don't understand what my therapy treatment "plan" is, and no matter what my therapist said tonight to try to address that, I felt there was a disconnect, a miscommunication between the two of us. Like a major one. As in the past year of my life feels robbed.

It feels like everything I've been holding out hope for this entire year was obliterated tonight. This whole time I thought we were just trying to get my symptoms under control so that we could then process the trauma. Based on tonight's discussion and the last several sessions, I can see that I'm mistaken, that there is no next step, there is no trauma that will be processed, just symptoms to manage. I really think it would be best for me to just stop therapy at this point.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Can you try talking to your therapist again so that you know without a doubt that she had no plan to help you process your trauma? (Apologies if you've already taken this step.) I'd hate for you to end your therapy if there is any ambiguity as to your next steps in healing.....that is, ending it based on possible assumptions.

Can you honestly say that you've lost an entire year if this therapist isn't going to process your trauma with you? Did you not learn any valuable coping skills? I moved on to a number of different therapists in an attempt to process before I found the program that would help me to do it safely. Yes, it is likely a bit of a setback to have to find another therapist to process with, but all is not lost if you have indeed learned symptom management.

 

[Sandstone]

Based on tonight's discussion and the last several sessions, I can see that I'm mistaken, that there is no next step, there is no trauma

Do you believe this? Or has your therapist said they believe this? Or do you think your therapist believes this?
So many things could be going on here: as a bad typist I'm not going to list them, but there are many permutations.

the past year of my life feels robbed

get my symptoms under control so that we could then process the trauma.

If you have better symptom control, then that is an enormous gain, and is something you can take into your future life no matter what you decide to do next. It would be worth spending a year learning how to manage your symptoms, and if you have achieved any part of it, you should be proud of that

 

[shimmerz]

that there is no next step, there is no trauma that will be processed, just symptoms to manage. I really think it would be best for me to just stop therapy at this point.

I can't quite figure this out....and I don't mean that in a bad way....it is just because there is so much history that I don't know ....

I used to be really 'keen' on getting to my trauma(s). I had shit to do in life dammit! Let's go, let's go, let's go! My T-doc knew better....I didn't. He knew I had a rocky road ahead and would need tools to work with as I learned more and more about what had happened to me.

My concern is that you are saying you are working on your symptoms. That means there is stuff going on with you still. Symptomatic people, imho need therapists. Are you certain you are just not seeing the value of learning how to manage symptoms (and it is HIGH)?

 

[scout86]

there is no trauma that will be processed,

How do you mean this? Literally? (There IS no trauma?) Or that you T doesn't, somehow "believe" in "processing" trauma.

I don't know you, and don't know you're T. That makes it useless to speculate. But, I know that different people, both T's and clients, are different and different things work. The first session with my T, he made some assumptions. That were "wrong" as it turned out. I can see how you might do that. You see a lot of people that fit into a big category and it's easy to expect the next person through the door belongs in the same category. I didn't help because I didn't give him any real information to go on. So he kind of cavalierly told me "how he usually does things". If he had it to do over again, he'd probably do it differently. LOL As it was, he backed way off and changed his approach because I couldn't help but get extremely defensive and guarded because I KNEW what he was "up to". Right now, I actually don't know what he "plan" is. If I'd did, I'd be busily looking for ways to defend against it, whether I wanted to or not. I just trust that he HAS a plan. We talk about aspects of that now and then and, if there's something I want to talk about or work on, I'm totally free to bring it up. Meanwhile, I have no idea what his "plan" is and I know that it works better this way. But that's me. I also know this would drive some people nuts.

I don't see how you can deal with symptoms without dealing with the cause of the symptoms. It might help us understand the situation better if you could be more specific about what was said. Maybe you DO need a different therapist.

 

[watundah]

I read a book on trauma and the author Pete Walker said you can never recover from trauma , only manage symptoms. Perhaps this is a school of thought. I asked my therapist if she agreed and she absolutely did not. It's certainly something that warrants more discussion, DancingBull.

I have to believe we can recover. I don't want to just manage symptoms. In fact, looking at my own growth and inner strength over the years, it must be true.

You are worth this investment. Dig into it in your next session.

 

[Chava]

I'd be interested in more information, so will leave it with some of the questions asked by posters above.

But, while I do believe trauma needs to be processed, a huge part of therapy really is the symptoms. For me there is a blurry line between the work that is "resolving trauma" and "dealing with symptoms." This is because I really believe in the body connection to trauma (nervous system dysregulation, etc). I over-react to non-traumatic situations. As I begin to respond differently to these situations I am actually rewiring bits of that traumatized system. I stop over-firing in so many benign situations. So a big part of "recovery" is actually working with the symptoms and finding ways to lessen them. Some therapists don't even believe you need to go deeply into the trauma or be able to speak all the details. This makes sense from the perspective that some of us can't remember all of our traumas for one reason or another (I was too young or unconscious for a few of mine but know of them for others or woke up midway when the worst was over...processing them is really about working with body states I come to in present therapy and coming to a different ending/resolution...I really think of a lot of it as a sort of re-wiring or re-organizing).

I'm not sure what kind of therapy you are doing. ?? Also, like others above I'm wondering if there is trauma your therapist knows about? Does your therapist not know? Or are you unsure, like you don't remember any trauma?

Has the work with symptoms been helpful in your daily life? I know I tend to throw everything away when disappointed. Has there been any good? Or were you really holding out for this belief of resolving the trauma? I'm sorry you are so frustrated....it would be very fair to try to get clear on all of this with your therapist.

 

[SeaQuel]

The whole point, I thought, in gaining more control over my symptoms (which I have utterly failed at, repeatedly) was so that we could do the work we needed to do in therapy to process my trauma.

We tried doing EMDR early on in my treatment, which initially began as treating a single traumatic experience that caused the PTSD. EMDR, to me, was something I could understand as a way of rewiring the brain to reintegrate trauma memories as normal memories. We stopped doing it because I couldn't handle it (bad reactions) and it was ineffective and she realized I hadn't given her my full background. Suffice to say I have complex PTSD, and while it took me several months to outline my traumas for her, I finally did.

Since that time I'm really drawing a blank on what we have specifically done to process the trauma. Everything has focused on my symptoms and I was fine with that because we discussed that we couldn't get very far in the trauma "work" if my symptoms were going to keep me from doing that.

So she's shown me numerous grounding and somatic exercises. Even trauma-focused yoga. These are a work in progress for me. She has supported me in my homeopathy to conventional medication journey. She has encouraged me to try different collateral therapies such as accupuncture and craniosacral therapy.

I thought all of these things were what I needed to do FIRST, before we could get at what we needed to get at - the trauma. But yesterday it became clear that there is some sort of fundamental misunderstanding between us when it comes to my therapy, my treatment plan, my trauma.

I really don't know if I am accurately representing her views because it almost felt like I was in this weird twilight zone (not in a dissociative sense) where everything I thought was true and had been giving me hope for there being a "plan" and a "next step" for full recovery was just ripped to shreds. She said something about how all of the above treatments ARE the trauma work. These are all just things to open up the neuro pathways which IS the treatment and the trauma processing. Well WTF.

Edited to add: I know my therapist believes that it is possible to recover from PTSD. So she's not in the symptom management only camp whatsoever. I just don't have the faintest idea what the plan is. It feels ever more nebulous to me right now. When we will actually discuss and process the trauma? I just do not get it. AT ALL.

 

[Ladyghosthunter]

I read a book on trauma and the author Pete Walker said you can never recover from trauma , only manage symptoms. Perhaps this is a school of thought. I asked my therapist if she agreed and she absolutely did not.

IMHO, get rid of this therapist. We can never recover from trauma; he's spot on. However, the counselor wants their opinion noted and it isn't worth a shit to me. They've never experienced it and there is where the disconnect lies...

 

[joeylittle]

Did you and she ever discuss going back to EMDR, specifically?
And did you ever discuss PE (prolonged exposure) or any other specific modality for trauma processing?
(I'd be freaked out too)

 

[Ladyghosthunter]

It would cost me 750 bucks to have an assessment done in which I'm not willing to pay. My medication is cheaper than that. I'll stick with my meds.

 

[SeaQuel]

@joeylittle I'm not sure if your question was directed at me or @Ladyghosthunter or someone else??

I'll answer it anyway. We haven't discussed going back to EMDR (or PE at all, ever). We both believe that EMDR is probably not effective for me based on my reactions to it and my complex trauma. More recently, we've discussed doing somatic experiencing and she has been incorporating some of that into our therapy, but not in a regimented "plan" sort of way IMO. We both believe I hold my trauma in my body - my most prominent symptoms are all physical - and that SE is good option for me.

Anyway, I ended up sending her an email containing a version of what I wrote in this thread. I suggested that we end therapy.