Relationship An Email I Want To Send, But Not Sure If I Should

[aj1]

In a weak moment after thinking about her all weekend I sent out a text "Wishing you well, hope your week is off to a good start."

I immediately regretted it and she has not replied. I should have just left her alone. All this did was confirm for me she is still hurting, and I am sure all it did was drive me further out of her life. All I can do is pray that she and I both find happiness in life, and I realize that will not be together.

My heart breaks for all sufferers knowing that so many people will live out this same scenario in life. What happened is not you fault. I hope some day you will reach the inner peace to let people care for you and love you. And that you can return the same emotions.

 

[Abstract]

Hi @aj1,

I don't do private conversations but will answer if you want to ask me something here.

 

[aj1]

I am still trying to figure out what happened, I pretty much have considered everything. Above is a pretty good replay of it all. I have left out some personal details that I will not share here. I guess I still feel like I must have done something wrong. I have just been trying to replay everything and can't figure it out. During this process I still wonder if we moved to fast. Like I should have known better to slow her down. I wondered if when I was stressed about things in my life that I may have leaned on her too much. I wonder if when she got quiet that I set off some red flag as being codependent to her by trying to be extra supportive.

Who knows. Again, she holds the keys to what happened, and I am leaving her alone to sort her thoughts. I would love to talk it out with her, but I do not think we could ever be a couple again, so I do not want to even reach out to her. What was there is gone. I am not sure I would want to try and rebuild it. I am just trying to learn whatever this life lesson is trying to teach me.

 

[Abstract]

I think looking at what we can learn whilst letting go is the best approach when a relationship has ended.

Here is something to try on for size - what if you did nothing wrong to cause this to end? What feelings does that bring up in you?

 

[aj1]

Maybe that is my problem. I can't figure out what caused it to be over. So in a sense, I can't fix me, and I know I can't fix her.

I think that is why I am not wanting to let go. Here was this amazing change in my life that I have lost. From everything she had told me, it was the same to her. It appears that changed, I don't know why and I am selfishly wanting to know that why.

Again after the time that has passed, I don't see it being repaired, so why should I even care. Reading all of these supporter stories, and how many do not work out, that has really opened my eyes. But I do care, and I still care for my lost friend.

I have grieved this loss of a friend and relationship in silence, so it really feels like she just died. I know she is alive, but in my life it feels as if she died.

 

[Abstract]

If you put the other stuff aside a moment and try hard to think this breakup has nothing to do with you then what happens inside your mind?

Do you find yourself automatically looking for what you could have changed or what you did wrong? What comes up? Indulge me for a minute.

 

[aj1]

That is exactly it. I am looking for what happened. Where did it break down. I replayed all of our times together through my head. I think you are very much right that there is nothing there for me to find wrong.

She even so much as told me this. I guess I just can't understand how things were that good, and her pursuing me as much or more than I was her.

Part of my problem now is my lack of confidence and relationship experience. Two things I managed to not even worry about when I was with her.

 

[Abstract]

I mostly asked because of your questions on the codependency thread and you wanting to know more about that and if it relates to you.

One sign of CD is taking responsibility for everything and finding it intolerable to not have control of the situation. If it is not our fault that equals no control. Everyone does this to an extent but it is worth looking at for you I think.

Sometimes we can't control a situation or influence it enough. If you really are at a point where you want to see what you can learn then I would look at this.

My personal opinion of the whole situation is that your feelings seemed very intense from the start and you were very minutely tuned into her. That may be wonderful for some people and for others could overwhelm them and make them feel claustrophobic. I would react that way.

I have issues and that is a lot of why I would have a problem with it but I think some healthy people would too. If there is the sense that someones entire happiness and attention rests squarely on our shoulders then that is an enormous pressure. Often people who want someones centre of existence to be about them also have issues.

You are obviously a very kind and caring person and have a lot to offer someone as well as doing many wonderful things in this relationship.

If I was you I would look at what early vulnerabilities this plays into for you.

I also would encourage you not to become fixated on how things would have been different if you did something different. It sounds like this girl has many wounds to heal before she can manage a relationship.

 

[aj1]

Abstract. Thank you. You have no idea how much this has helped me. I have read your reply many times. Each time that I have, I find more and more understanding. I think I can finally shake some of this guilt I placed on myself. I never blamed her.

She used the term claustrophobic. Your words help me understand what that meant. I have never been so interested in someone. No one has ever made me so happy. I told her all this. I am sure it was tremendous pressure. I did not intend for her to feel as if she was the center of my existence. Everything about her felt so right. Still does actually, even though I don't think it will work. We talked about egg shells earlier, now I would be on egg shells to not overly do it.

I really want to bear my soul to her so she knows how much I do understand. How much I didn't want it to end this way. How much I care. That would be SO unfair to do, and I won't. If we ever get to talk, I will tell that story slowly. Brick by brick.

 

[aj1]

Well an update of sorts. I had a week filled of everyone asking me if I had talked to her yet. It had been a month. Everyone can still see the hurt in me. Everyone I talked to kept giving me the same hopeful reach out to her talk. I kept feeling these signs. I got some advice from a priest about God bringing a person with great suffering together with a person who has great love. That was us.

So, I sent her a text last week and she did reply. I told her I could understand how things might have felt claustrophobic based off of the advice Abstract gave me. I asked if we could talk, but she asked to call me over the weekend. I don't know if she was busy, or needed time to get ready to talk.

Now I should have just let her call, but I had an out of town family event Saturday, and had was on call for work on Sunday. This really meant I would only have about a 15 minute window to talk to her unless it was really early or really late.

So, I sent the email. The one I sent was a little more personalized and updated with some of the understandings that I have gained from talking with you guys. She has not replied and it has been a week. I hope she read it. I told her in the email I did not expect her to reply but that she could call anytime. I know you all advised me to not send it. The more I thought on it, not sending the email was "walking on egg shells."

This is who I am. She knows how much I care and I am not going to change how much I care for her. That intensity comes with me, and if that doesn't work for her then we cannot be. I suppose that might not have been the fair thing to do. I do feel some guilt if it cause her any pain. In my mind I had nothing to lose as she was already gone, selfish on my part. I really don't know how it could ever be the same so I was not trying to win her back in that sense. She never let me in on how hard it was for her. The only way it could work is with complete honesty and the way things worked out I feel we didn't have that.

I really don't know what she is thinking, and at this point I will never know. Maybe she really lost feelings for me. Maybe she told me that so I would just go away. She knows where I am at and I have to let go. That is her free will. Looking back, part of me thinks she was never really there. I know that isn't true, but it was her struggling to be there. We had some really great times. Maybe that is all this was meant to be. A moment in time to open our hearts up, grow, and now to move on.

I am religious, and I know that is not for everyone. This has shaken my faith a bit. I struggle to understand how such things can happen to undeserving people. I guess that is the free will of all of us. We can do good things or bad in life. The feelings we leave behind on others, those emotions are shared with God. We aren't alone. Those experiences make us who we are and we all grow from these experiences. I have heard this twice in the last few weeks, but when times are hard, when you are so down, and think you cannot go on, God is working on your soul. I heard it from a priest, and I heard it from my mother. It really is what makes me think I was so drawn to her. She has a soul purified by the hell of her childhood.

So where do I go from here? I have prayed for her daily, and I will continue to do so. I am praying for the acceptance to move on and praying for all survivors to be released from the chains of their abuse. It's the only thing left I can do.