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Deleted member 28403
Does anyone?
Does anyone know... WHO AM I?
Trying to calm down, trying to calm down....
There is definitely more of us in here... There is more than 2 or 3, I dont' know how many more, but definitelly more...
Today in bus I talked to something.... Or better to say, I noticed I'm talking to one... Or two... The face I saw in the bus window looked familiar, but as if it was not mine... I told it I know who it is... And it just nodded... I looked away many times.
Then I asked it: "But who am I then"... It didn't answer, it was quite, wouldn't say anything.... I eventually got to the stop. Got off the bus... There was stuff everywhere around me, a dark black thing that looked like something between a horse and a dog, completely in shadow, I told it to go away but it went away only when I came to where it was... There were things around me... I told them I'm not scared of them, although I was... I kept telling myself "I'm strong, I'm not afraid, I can protect myself, They can't hurt me"... There were so many everywhere... I couldn't take looking at my shadow, there was something else in it, felt like it was one of the hidden "me"s, one of those I can't remember...
One of the dark ones...
I'm scared of me, I'm scared of them... I got home 15 minutes ago... Still shaking... I will now take a break and try to finish the post later...
*45 Minutes Later*
A bit calmer at the moment...
I will try to give a cleaner explaination...
I was in the bus returning home, and I was looking at my reflection. And suddenly I became extremely aware of the relfection looking familiar and unfamiliar at the same time, as if it was someone else there in the reflection.
I talked to it, then laughed out loud for some reason in the middle of the bus...
I don't know what to think of it, but I haven't been so aware of multiple personalities in me since the last event of me being so badly triggered that I attacked someone and didn't remember it..
I can now kinda categorize the personalities in me, first into the hidden and shown ones. The hidden being ones actions of which I don't remember, and shown being ones I remember what they do.
There are at least 2 hidden ones, the violent one, which happens when I am either in need of immediate physical protection, or when badly triggered (which activates the same fight response).... When that one happens I can end up fighting someone and will not remember any of it afterwards, it will just be a blank spot.
The other one is the dissociative, hiding one, which happens when I'm in a similar situation as previously mentioned, but it's not a fighter, it's the flight response, the shown ones just go away, and all that is left is a punch bag for pain, and I remember nothing of what happened, even if it happened just minutes ago, I just end up confused... Not knowing why I feel so empty and hurt... Not remembering anything of what happened to me... That one has been with me longer than the violent one, it appeared first, when I couldn't protect myself well, when I couldn't fight.
*15 minutes later*
Of the shown ones, there are multiple, and I can't count them nor recognize them all. I'm sure that in the bus there were 2, if not 3 appearing...
The shown function as same person, but with completely different moods, and there seems to be contact between them... They are all different, and It's hard to tell for me which one I am at each moment. I can try to define some, they seem to be personalizations of different gaps in self confidence and similar things that happened due to trauma...
The "unknown" - The me that happened in the bus, and the only one that seems to be able to recognize others are there and be aware of it, while others talk to it, they won't be aware of it when active... It's probably the one talking now... It can completely recognize and say much about the other, but has no self-indentity, it doesn't know who is it, what is it's purpose... Unlike the other ones, it's aware of itself as having no purpose and others having purposes... It's confusing to me as well.
The one that wants to proove others who told him he would be a failure and similar wrong - The one that was in the bus, the one that laughed, the one that seems completely crazy in public... The name is it's explaination, it tries to find reasons why all the bad stuff that was told to me is wrong, but it goes away when dark times come, or when anything scary appears... It seems quite cowardish, and like more of an outsider...
I have no strength at the moment to try to categorize others....
Thank you for reading, any feedback or help would be appriciated.
Does anyone know... WHO AM I?
Trying to calm down, trying to calm down....
There is definitely more of us in here... There is more than 2 or 3, I dont' know how many more, but definitelly more...
Today in bus I talked to something.... Or better to say, I noticed I'm talking to one... Or two... The face I saw in the bus window looked familiar, but as if it was not mine... I told it I know who it is... And it just nodded... I looked away many times.
Then I asked it: "But who am I then"... It didn't answer, it was quite, wouldn't say anything.... I eventually got to the stop. Got off the bus... There was stuff everywhere around me, a dark black thing that looked like something between a horse and a dog, completely in shadow, I told it to go away but it went away only when I came to where it was... There were things around me... I told them I'm not scared of them, although I was... I kept telling myself "I'm strong, I'm not afraid, I can protect myself, They can't hurt me"... There were so many everywhere... I couldn't take looking at my shadow, there was something else in it, felt like it was one of the hidden "me"s, one of those I can't remember...
One of the dark ones...
I'm scared of me, I'm scared of them... I got home 15 minutes ago... Still shaking... I will now take a break and try to finish the post later...
*45 Minutes Later*
A bit calmer at the moment...
I will try to give a cleaner explaination...
I was in the bus returning home, and I was looking at my reflection. And suddenly I became extremely aware of the relfection looking familiar and unfamiliar at the same time, as if it was someone else there in the reflection.
I talked to it, then laughed out loud for some reason in the middle of the bus...
I don't know what to think of it, but I haven't been so aware of multiple personalities in me since the last event of me being so badly triggered that I attacked someone and didn't remember it..
I can now kinda categorize the personalities in me, first into the hidden and shown ones. The hidden being ones actions of which I don't remember, and shown being ones I remember what they do.
There are at least 2 hidden ones, the violent one, which happens when I am either in need of immediate physical protection, or when badly triggered (which activates the same fight response).... When that one happens I can end up fighting someone and will not remember any of it afterwards, it will just be a blank spot.
The other one is the dissociative, hiding one, which happens when I'm in a similar situation as previously mentioned, but it's not a fighter, it's the flight response, the shown ones just go away, and all that is left is a punch bag for pain, and I remember nothing of what happened, even if it happened just minutes ago, I just end up confused... Not knowing why I feel so empty and hurt... Not remembering anything of what happened to me... That one has been with me longer than the violent one, it appeared first, when I couldn't protect myself well, when I couldn't fight.
*15 minutes later*
Of the shown ones, there are multiple, and I can't count them nor recognize them all. I'm sure that in the bus there were 2, if not 3 appearing...
The shown function as same person, but with completely different moods, and there seems to be contact between them... They are all different, and It's hard to tell for me which one I am at each moment. I can try to define some, they seem to be personalizations of different gaps in self confidence and similar things that happened due to trauma...
The "unknown" - The me that happened in the bus, and the only one that seems to be able to recognize others are there and be aware of it, while others talk to it, they won't be aware of it when active... It's probably the one talking now... It can completely recognize and say much about the other, but has no self-indentity, it doesn't know who is it, what is it's purpose... Unlike the other ones, it's aware of itself as having no purpose and others having purposes... It's confusing to me as well.
The one that wants to proove others who told him he would be a failure and similar wrong - The one that was in the bus, the one that laughed, the one that seems completely crazy in public... The name is it's explaination, it tries to find reasons why all the bad stuff that was told to me is wrong, but it goes away when dark times come, or when anything scary appears... It seems quite cowardish, and like more of an outsider...
I have no strength at the moment to try to categorize others....
Thank you for reading, any feedback or help would be appriciated.
