Cultural Question For The Brits

[Peach]

My vet is Welsh and over the years we've run into the issue of privacy a few times. I was raised in the South and am generally a pretty open book. As for him, specifically, absolutely nothing about me is off limits - fire away - though he rarely does. He knows a ton of my secrets, but that's because I volunteered the information and then maybe he'll ask for more on the subject.

The same cannot be said of him. He is usually very private. That's fine, it just means when he shares something personal, I cherish it even more because I know it isn't common knowledge and it shows he trusts me. We've had those playful conversations you have when you're getting very close to someone, like I asked if he goes commando or what style undewear he prefers. He was as red as a tomato! LOL But then there are other times when he's feeling saucy and will launch into a story involving a particular part of his anatomy. This all seems "normal" to me. Funny and interesting, but normal.

So the privacy itself isn't where I get confused, it's some of the areas where he feels "it's not my place to ask" that gets me. This doesn't seem to be a symptom of his PTSD (please correct me if that is wrong), so that leads me to believe it's cultural - that classic British stiff upper lip that seems to be displayed in public. Or maybe it's more of a military thing? I am hoping someone can clarify this for me.

Here are some examples:

1) He told me that his buddy had flown to the US before and spent some time in Raleigh, North Carolina. I asked if it was business or pleasure and got his usual answer, "I didn't ask." Why not? "It wasn't my business."

2) After staying a week at his place I asked him if he'd noticed that I don't have a purse, just carry my wallet in my back pocket like a dude. It's nothing amazing, but it is unusual. He said, "Yeah, I noticed." I asked why he never said anything about it. "I didn't feel like it was my place."

3) He's very tech saavy and tried to help me set up a torrenting program a while ago, but it wasn't working. Well, I got one going myself a few days ago and told him of my success. He responded about the old program I was having trouble with, "If I'd had remote access to you PC, I could have had it up and running in a few minutes, but I didn't like to ask and put you in a spot."

I could go on, but you get the idea. These aren't subjects I would ever in a million years consider needing to tread carefully. They are normal, everyday conversations. It's not like asking your lover about their past relationships. It's not asking what type of doctor someone had to see and how invasive the procedure was. It's not asking what type of medications you take and what side effects they've caused.

So, of the three examples I gave, do those sound like the answers of a typical British person? Is this cultural or something else?

And to be clear, I'm not mad or complaining at all. Just curious about his sense of who and when someone has the right to ask probing questions.

 

[Lucycat]

I think I would be very much like your vet (I am assuming here you are not describing your pet's physician).

If some one was coming to visit Scotland it would not cross my mind to ask why. I would probably assume if that was important they would tell me.

I would not question why some one prefers to carry their purse in their pocket rather than in their handbag. I have done it myself many a time. I don't think it makes them a dude.

As for the remote access of a computer, well I would not know how to, but I would be reluctant to allow someone else to do that. I have a friend who sorts my techy problems and I would feel uncomfortable if he offered to sort an issue by remote access. I would welcome his help but I prefer to see what he is doing to my computer.

So I suspect you are right. I don't think he is secretive, but just doesn't see the need to share details. Although I am in Scotland I am English and I would suggest the English are more reticent than the scots who are much more open. I really don't know the Welsh enough to comment specifically , but it sounds like your Welshman is similar to me.

 

[digger]

First one : probably wouldn't ask. I tend more towards assuming that if someone wants to share something with me, they'll offer the information. Their choice.

Second one : definitely wouldn't ask. Mainly because I wouldn't feel the need to ask. Why should I care how someone chooses to carry their own wallet?? But if it was something I found unusual, someone wearing/doing something in an unusual way, I still probably wouldn't ask - depending on the person, it would either be a)because it's not my business, or b)because I suspected it was an attention seeking thing and I can't be arsed feeding shit like that! ;) Again, if someone wants, or needs, me to know their reasons for doing something, why not just tell me rather than expect me to ask. My question here would more likely be, why on earth do you need me to be curious about where you keep you wallet?!:confused:

Third one : I guess depends how long and well you've known each other, but yeah, a person's computer/tablet/phone etc definitely come under the 'personal space' category, and it could be an awkward question to put someone on the spot with, so I'd be hesitant about suggesting it.

ETA - with the third one, access to stuff like that requires a certain level of trust. It could be awkward on a number of levels. It might have been seen as him presuming, or assuming, that you have that trust. It is putting you in the possibly awkward position of feeling you needed to go along with something rather than offend, or of having to offend by saying, no, I don't trust you to do that.

 

[Fadeaway]

*Shudders*
It is probably cultural and PTSD, I
I don't think being private is a British thing, I think being open is more of a southerner thing. I am from the U.S. grew up in the pacific north west. I am a very private person. My husband lived in the south for a good many years. I cringe when we are talking to strangers and he will tell them what I feel is way too personal. This happens a lot the things you mention cross boundaries for me.

I think the PTSD also makes me more self conscious about what I share. I hate getting my hair cut because the hair dresser usually asks questions I don't want to answer.

Edit, I wrote this 41 one minutes ago and my hypervigelance was through the roof, so I might have come of across more harsh than intended. Thank gawd for anti-anxiety pills.

But like I said, it is probably a little of both. People from the south would probably consider my area of the south rather unfriendly. I just happen to take it a little more extreme. Build me a fortress with barbwire electric fences and mass surveillance and I would still feel exposed.

 

[barefoot]

I think I act similarly to your partner - not sure that's because we're both from from the UK though...think it means we're just quite private people...? Privacy is very important to me and that works two ways - firstly, I don't over share about my own stuff and, secondly, I'm not nosey with other people :-)

So for your examples:

1) It someone hasn't offered the information about why they are traveling, I wouldn't ask them. It's none of my business and, if they wanted me to know, they would have said themselves.

2) It wouldn't cross my mind to mention where/how someone carries their wallet. Firstly, because it doesn't matter to me - what difference does it make to me where you carry it?! And secondly, I would see it as a little rude because it's pointing out to someone that they do something in a way that you think is odd...because you must think it's odd if you're making a comment about it and drawing attention to it. So, for me, this would feel like I was making a judgement. And if someone did it to me, I wouldn't be hugely offended (it's just about a wallet, right?) but I wouldn't like it because, for me, the fact that you're even mentioning it would imply that you think my way is wrong or, at least, strange. And that's a judgement.

3) I would see this one as he was respecting your privacy - to have remote access to your computer requires a lot of trust because he could look at anything he wanted to. But now you know he could have helped remotely, next time, you could always ask him if he could do that for you and then he knows it's ok with you, that you trust him to do that.

I don't know whether these things are cultural or not - I suppose we Brits do have a reputation for being rather...contained...! Asking lots of questions to find out information someone hasn't just told me in the first place feels nosey to me and presumptuous.

 

[barefoot]

PS - I'm not saying you're nosey and presumptuous! ;-)

 

[Teasel]

I defo think the stiff upper lip is a British thing. Much less so in the north, Wales, Ireland and Scotland and the West Country too. Mostly just the south.

 

[Lucycat]

I defo think the stiff upper lip is a British thing. Much less so in the north, Wales, Ireland and Sco...

Yep - I am from the Deep South too.

 

[jaccat]

Yep, I wouldn't ask. I am from the Westcountry. But I am a very private person. I don't volunteer information about myself and I don't expect others to either. Although, strangely, people find me a good listener so often I get told things anyway.

I'd imagine it also depends upon the specific relationship with his friend. Is it actually that kind of friendship?

 

[Peach]

Haha Thanks everyone, I appreciate your opinions! Don't worry, no offense taken about anything. :)

Sounds like, yep, mostly cultural. Perhaps we're both just on the extreme sides of our respective countries thoughts on being nosey. We get through things easily, I just find it all very interesting. You'd think that because we basically speak the same language, that everything would be the same, but that is certainly not the case.

I can only speak from my perspective of being raised in Florida, Georgia, and North Carolina - other parts of the US are quite different as @Fadeaway noted.

Example 1 - When someone brings up a trip, it is assumed and expected that there will be probing for all the details. IE: When are you going? Anyone going with you? Where are you staying? What are you going to do/see? Etc. It's not considered rude, it's enthusiasm and showing an interest in what that person in telling you. In fact, if you didn't pick up that conversation, that is when you'd run into some confusion. Even if it is a bleak affair, rather than a fun vacation, different questions arise, but they are asked nonetheless.

Example 2 - You're right, absolutely nothing really special about not carrying a purse. Yet at the same time, it is very different compared to the majority of women who are hauling around these bags that are as big as they are. They have everything stashed in there from chapstick and money to an umbrella, flashlight, pepper spray, water, phone charger, granola bars, books, an extra sweater, a notebook, the list goes on. I also think it's fair to say that though American's feel safe when we're part of the herd, mostly conforming to what's going on around us, while still being juuuust different enough to make us feel unique. Even if it is a barely preceptible difference.

Example 3 - We were definitely past the "do I trust him/her" phase of our relationship. By that time, we'd had discussed many private and painful parts of our lives (ah ha! A lot from him actually, so it's not that he won't share as much as it is him being conscientious about being on the receiving end!), along with more practical information like financial standing and medical histories. And you can't forget about the fun stuff you don't bridge unless you're serious about someone, like some very detailed and pointed flirting. So no, once you've talked about all that, there is nothing I would feel compelled to hide from him on my computer. If something "interesting" did happen to pop up, that leads to another conversation, and you've just learned something else about your special friend that, most likely, no one else knows. On top of that, I trust him to not go snooping around the computer in the first place.

With that last one I've kinda backed myself into a corner though. Perhaps I'm not as open as I thought I was. With people who are friends and nothing more, there is stuff on the PC I wouldn't want them to see. A lot in fact. He is the exception. Like I said in the OP, nothing is off limits for him.

Ha! Well, thanks again. I guess I just needed to talk it all out to figure out what I was thinking. Thanks again! You've all been a big help!:cool: