Being Dependent?

[desiderata310]

I've been better over the last week. REALLY. But I'm still just all over the map emotionally.

My therapist has continually encouraged me to email him/text. He keeps reassuring me that I've been very respectful of boundaries... that said, I feel like I've over done it.

Yes, it's not unusual to contact him several times during the week- especially when things aren't going well- sometimes if they ARE because it's really great to be able to give a positive report. He actually said he's ok with that.

That said, I feel like I've just contacted him too much despite what he's said. I mean, I AM a grown ass woman. I SHOULD be ok just dealing with things as they come at me, right?

ok.. I had a really bad trigger/flash in public yesterday. I texted him after I'd recovered a bit. I now regret that. I shouldn't have done that. But I needed to... I guess to confirm for myself that I am ok... or something. Now I wish I could take that text back and have never sent it. I never got a text back from him. That's fine. but.I don't know. I feel like I'm too dependent. Yes, yes, he and I have had this conversation and he knows that being dependent on him freaks me out but he sees it as a good thing...

I'm a bit scrambled... confused... help... what the hell?

And also... can the random crying please, please, please, for the love of god, please stop.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

It can be seen from two different sides.....Yes, it can be a good thing to trust your therapist as your therapist is there to help you heal. However, this is a professional relationship and will always be a professional relationship. In that sense, it can end at any moment, for any reason. The therapist may decide to move, transfer to a different office, leave practice for personal reasons, and so on. I think there can be a danger in trusting a therapist too much and becoming too dependent upon them. It really is a balancing act.

Remember, the goal of therapy is to not need therapy. My therapists over the years have had very strong boundaries. I was only allowed to contact them if I was in crisis mode, but not if I was in danger to myself or someone else (then it was go to the ER time). This literally forced me to learn coping skills on my own. I didn't have the luxury of always contacting my therapist to make me feel better. And in retrospect, I'm glad that all of my therapists were like this because it encouraged INdependence rather than DEpendence.

I was also told that if I needed a therapist more than once or twice a week during session (and the occasional crisis call), then it was time to step up treatment and go into a day program. If the day program wasn't enough, then it was time for hospitalization. Of course it seems like a big gap between once/twice a week therapy and a day program, but again, this structure forced me to learn how to cope on my own. And, coping on your own is ultimately the best because in the end, the only thing that will always be there for us is what we have between our own two ears. If we learn to depend on someone throughout the week, then how is this really teaching us to cope on our own?

 

[falling_wave]

I think some dependence is natural and healthy. I certainly share the struggle. I agree with @itsKismet that if you are needing to call so often it might be better to schedule more frequent sessions or try a more intensive program. I definitely have a certain level of dependency on my T. On one hand that almost blind trust makes me trust her enough to make very positive and scary changes. This is a good thing. On the other it forces me to practice self control everytime a session is canceled etc not to call. While I don't think we should be prepared to lose our therapists any moment (there are ethics and this is unlikely and unhealthy to always be prepared for that) I do think that we should refrain from calling unless you are in absolute crisis after attempting at coping yourself. I've been working with my T two years and have called her in stable crisis mode 3 times spread far apart. She says this is fine and I'm okay with it. Maybe make a list of things to talk about in session when you want to call or make a countdown of days until you see your T. Also don't be hard on yourself based on age. It's the nature of the relationship not your age that does this. I've been working on it too with my T and a close older friend. I posted an article about how to work on dependence in other symptoms forum last week. It was pretty helpful for me. I don't know how to reference it here but if someone does feel free.

 

[desiderata310]

@itsKismet
I live in the nether world between once or twice a week and needing to be in residential/day program. We are also in an area where a 'good program' is not existent. We have been searching for one for a while. I've been WILLING to go into a residential but he wants to make certain it's one that is going to do me some good, not wind up traumatizing me more. This has been on-going.

I am PAINFULLY aware that anything could happen and he could up and die/quit/move etc... at the same time he said to me last week that he would be willing to treat me till he retires. Trust me, that was greeted with very mixed feelings... great... you are in this for the long haul. Oh shit, I am in this for the long haul...

I am TRYING not to bother him. I got shitty triggered earlier..
*sigh*
Seeing him tomorrow morning.
Shit shit shit.

 

[scout86]

So, if HE thought you were contacting him too often, how do you think he'd handle it? I've had similar conversations with my T and he pretty much always assures me that he's quite capable of taking care of himself and setting boundaries where ever he wants them. He also says there are people who are dependent, people who are independent, and people who are "anti-dependent". #'s 1 & 3 are BOTH potential problems. Apparently sometimes it's ok to depend on some people for some things and apparently this skill can be learned and taught.

I shouldn't have done that.

I feel pretty much the same way every time I email my T about "something stupid". Which is pretty much anything because, if it's MY problem it's something stupid and I should be able to deal with it myself.

As far as boundaries and where they "should" be. I'm not an authority. I know there are professional rules of conduct. I think there's also the fact that different people have different styles and need different things. My T has never said anything about calling a crisis line or going to the ER, he's flat out said to call him first. Actually, a few weeks ago, when I was heading towards a bad encounter with my brother, I made a joke about could I call him from jail. He said, quite seriously, that I'd better call him BEFORE I ended up in jail. His way of doing things works for him. Wouldn't work for everyone. Setting a more rigid boundary, I'm guessing, is something he wouldn't be so comfortable with. He's been doing this a long time. Near as I can tell, he hasn't had any complaints filed against him. (I checked.)

@desiderata310 , I'm going to guess this will bother you for a long time, because a fear of being dependent is part of your deal. But I don't think you really ARE too dependent. I'd kind of guess the people who are actually too dependent don't worry about it.

 

[desiderata310]

@scout86 oh god... yes..,.
and the worst part is that I triggered myself badly this afternoon reading something I shouldn't have and I sent him a link.
He responded "Your'e killing me ;)"

I don't want to go to my session tomorrow now. I'm such an idiot. I triggered myself, I bothered him AGAIN and oh goddamn it!!!
:banghead::banghead::banghead::poop::poop::poop::arghh;:arghh;:arghh;:arghh;:arghh;:arghh;:arghh;:cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry:

 

[scout86]

Ms Spock has a great thread going on "cognitive distortion", you might want to drop by....... :bag:

You are NOT an idiot! No way no how. That we can trigger ourselves actually IS a little funny, when you think about it. I mean really.......

Here's a thought for you, did you ever, earlier in life, think that you could do something "stupid" and yet some people would STILL like you and value you and think you were pretty worthwhile, even so? I know I didn't. (I still can't believe my T didn't fire me the day I called him a liar....Which I actually, literally, did.)

It will be ok!:hug:

 

[Deleted member 1860]

No luck so far finding a residential treatment program? Which ones have you looked at so far?

 

[desiderata310]

@itsKismet Everything in state that my insurance will cover....
my therapist is continuing to look.

I did have therapy this morning. Turns out he hadn't given a thought to the number of times I contacted him. He was actually concerned about the fact that I had clicked on a link and read something that triggered me... and that would obviously trigger me. Kinda like me trying to go to the busiest place around a few weeks ago and getting triggered because I was in such a crowd.

so... yes, I am desperately worried about becoming too dependent. I am going to continue like I'm doing (mostly journaling) and only corresponding when I absolutely need to (this past week had been difficult as he pointed out) and hope for a less stressful week.

And I'm actually somewhat better than I was a few months ago when it was pretty much daily and several TIMES a day and requiring responses quickly. I contacted him 4 times: twice were in response to flashbacks that I had a great deal of trouble managing; once was the 'normal' email he expects and WANTS to get from me;and once was in response to the text I sent him following the meeting I had with the EEOC(to which he turned around and immediately called me because he wanted to make sure that A. I was ok, B. get the full story and didn't want to wait till next week and C. was furious for me)

I'm not going to stop feeling bad about it but I'm going to try to recognize progress for what it is. I don't WANT to feel like I need this person. I know that's a dangerous place to live. But my therapist has pointed out that I have raging trust issues and even MORE trouble depending on others. It occurs to me that this is something that he may be fostering for that purpose... which actually now that I think about that scares the living shit out of me.

I may have solved the 'problem'.

 

[Friday]

Being dependent, like being independent, is a skill to learn.

I used to be lousy at it. I'm naturally independent as f*ck. Learning to be dependent? It's not something that comes easily. I'm still not great at it. But I practice.

What I try and remember is that my natural state is on my own. That? I can do. Absolutely any time I want to. I can say 'f*ck the world' and simply walk away. Close off, walk off, and be completely on my own. I don't "need" anyone.

Thing is, I want people. I want XYZ. I struggle with that, too. Makes things just that much harder.

Dependence? Is a form of trust. I do that even more badly. :wtf:

The whole idea of it just rubs my fur the wrong way. I don't want to be dependent, I don't want to trust people, grumble/ embarrassment/ shame/ kick something. I do, however, want some of the things that go along with it. It helps to know that any time I choose? I can stop. Shut off, shut down, & walk away. This is my choice to be here & to learn these skills.

So when I'm working on learning dependence? I flank the SOB. I don't straight up work on being dependent. I work on being dependent gracefully.

 

[Tinyflame]

my therapist has pointed out that I have raging trust issues and even MORE trouble depending on others.

I'm sorry I can't read everything @desiderata310 but I get this. I can't in my heart believe I can depend on anyone, either.

But fwiw, I'm too tired to think or fight about it anymore. I feel like an animal with 4 broken legs. Let whatever comes what may, time to toss my chips in. 'My' way of doing it has never led to the greatest result.

So yes, I think it is progress. :tup:

 

[desiderata310]

*ugh*

. I don't straight up work on being dependent. I work on being dependent gracefully.

THAT is the bitch. Working on being dependent gracefully. Because I don't do graceful ANYTHING. It's all hot, nasty, sweaty, anxiety filled, ugliness. Appearing cool and in charge? I can do it. but it is exhausting. I am actuality NOTHING approaching cool and I feel as thought I am struggling to appear in charge and in control.

I remember when I left for college, I basically gave my parents the middle finger- no I don't need f*cking ANYTHING from you.
When I got married it PAINED me. Seriously. Being dependent of each other? Didn't really fit my style.

As I got older that was why I learned survival skills for backcountry hiking and would go out solo. I didn't WANT TO depend on someone.

Being dependent on this guy? Scary as f*ck. graceful??? ummm.. maybe I can start approaching it from that direction? trick myself into thinking of this as less about dependence but rather the appearance of dependence and doing so gracefully? sort of a fake it till you make it kind of thing?

That sounds bizarre...

I don't know I'm babbling at this point.