your brain is still spinning. It needs to spin in a different direction.
I so get this. Lately, mine is house-hunting. It lets me engage in the concept of 'the future', even though I know it's not realistic for me right now. It also lets me think about whether I want to really stay where I am, but I can think about it in a secondary way, which is less overwhelming.
The only thing that does ping my 'hmmm' reflex a little is this:
I never got a text back from him. That's fine. but.I don't know. I feel like I'm too dependent. Yes, yes, he and I have had this conversation and he knows that being dependent on him freaks me out but he sees it as a good thing...
It's from your OP, and I do know that you sorted some things out in the thread - so I'm really just adding this as an observation.
I know, for myself, that when I get in the mode where I'm freaking out over my therapist not responding to something, even though it didn't require a response - that's when I am depending on him for something he cannot provide, which I guess I would call 'friendship'.
Dependence is a big concept, and I keep finding I need to break down the kinds of dependence that there are, and make sure I'm not using the ones that are actually going to hurt me. Mine has to urge me often to call when I need - And his emphasis was on it being a collaborative action, not dependency. He considers it beneficial, in the big picture, to be able to work on a crisis in the moment that it's happening. So, do I end up depending on him to be there? Yep. And I need a solid back up plan for when I reach out and he can't be there. He can be my primary resource, but he can't be my only option.
It's when I start depending on him for specific kinds of responses, I guess is what I'm trying to say - that when I feel like I 'need' him to do or say something - that's a kind of dependence that I don't want to invest in, because it isn't really 'real'. And its hard, because I talk to him much more than I talk to anyone else in my life - literally, in terms of sheer time, let alone depth.
So when your therapist says that he sees dependence as a good thing - I kind of want to ask him, can you define the actions that go with your concept of 'dependence'? Because as long as its rooted in reaching out for help, your mental health journey, that seems like all good stuff to me (esp. for someone like you, the way you've described your trust challenges) - but if he were to say, 'I want you to come to me for validation and reassurance whenever you need it' - that could ultimately stand in the way of you taking more steps towards finding other people who can put that in your life, and also, finding how you can do that for yourself.
Dunno - I struggle with this one too, so i might be over-identifying. Or maybe - this could actually be all I'm trying to say - has he ever told you what the boundaries actually are? Like, he tells you you haven't overstepped - maybe it would be useful to ask him what overstepping would look like, to him? That is a conversation I've had with my therapist, and it helps a lot.
