Strange Star

[Hope4Now]

You'se part of the tribe woman.

Yay! Don't we have to spit on our hands and swear loyalty or something? I've always wanted to be part of a tribe. Though I thought I'd be a lost boy...not an oldy lady in the looney bin wishing she could drive west west west! Thinking of you!

we have all been talking behind your back and we all think that your hair looks marvelous darling?

:cool: LOL!
I am unrecognizable apparently. Even my friends have been doing double-takes. It's kind of fun. I don't even use a comb anymore. Which is so very liberating :D. The problem is...well, it's not actually a real problem, but I don't look in the mirror much. That's no different. Except now my hair stands up at odd angles and I don't even know it. I startled myself in the bathroom today! LOL.

This silly haircut seems to be proving not so silly for me...symbolic of a lot of transformation.

 

[Hope4Now]

Love this whole post! :)

Me too!

 

[Hope4Now]

I'm linking to this in my diary so I don't lose it along the way. Because probably what I wrote here in #505-507 should have been here: Link Removed

 

[Eleanor]

Dear Hope,

I have been down the writing/hyperfocus rabbit hole for a while. I am catching up. For the record: I love you with or without hair. In fact, I appear to love you entirely disembodied! I am sure I would love you in any incarnation you showed up in. I am sorry your mother is such a fool/seriously crazy person. You are obviously not her. She is obviously not you. These things are obvious from here anyhow. I hope they become obvious to you in a really deep way ASAP.

Going back to reading more...

 

[Hope4Now]

I love you with or without hair. In fact, I appear to love you entirely disembodied! I am sure I would love you in any incarnation you showed up in.

Me too you.
Translation: I love you too. Thank you for making me laugh and feel good with this comment. Sadly, my primary goal right now is to become embodied. I exist in some separate dimension...am trying to find my way back. :)

I have been down the writing/hyperfocus rabbit hole for a while.

Yep, sometimes we just have to do this.
Some people call it dissociation or avoidance. Some people call it a survival/reboot skill. For me, probably a bit of both. I'm glad you're able to focus...this is a gift in and of itself.

I'm also glad you're back on the forum. I've missed your wisdom and lovingkindness.

 

[Eleanor]

You are doing such awesome awesome work! Wow....

This is just random - or not - whatever -two things occur to me. The first is what a wonderful model of friendship and community this forum is for me. We do what @shimmerz said in her diary - about asking for help and then being ok with getting it or not and from who and... not being... yucky if people are too busy dealing with their own stuff. I have had several occasions today to think about that - my H being off in some unpleasant place and me not being able to help him and me being in a yucky spot (crying abandoned child EP out full force) and him (mostly) unable to help me. No fault, no blame. Both doing our best. But no available resources. :depressed::blackeye::sorry: I am dealing with it much better than I usually do - just hanging out with my unhappiness.

The second thing. I forgot what the second thing was.

I have no basis for saying this but I HAVE TO believe that all the processing you and @shimmerz are doing right now is transformative. I wish I had before and after pictures.

OH right. I remember the second thing. I have been doing this HEALS exercise that this guy Steven Stosney teaches that reconnects you to your "core value." (It also kind of defines what core value is) One of the elements is to think about communities that you are a member of. I started out with 3D communities - but I recently added this one because, really, it is the single MOST important community in my life for the last few years. It is the place I don't feel alone or like a freak or that I have to hide what is really happening in my life. That is entirely new for me. Even with my 3D friends - who are good friends - they "go along with me" but ... they don't GET it like here. They see too much of the ANP and are kind of skeptical about the EP's. But the EPs are real. No doubt about that.

I hope you are getting reconnected with your body. Actually I don't know what to hope for because I feel kind of bad hoping that for you because it seems certain that such a reconnection process will be hideously painful. And I'd just as soon you NOT have to do that. But the end... and being whole... I hope for the best for you. I guess I'll just leave it at that.

And the thing about having to teach the stupid normals. Yup. It is a strange reversal isn't it? Our couples T knows nothing (so far as I can tell) about structural dissociation. So I am teaching him. Stosney would call what you did when you shifted your approach to the resistant counselor "acting out of your core value." So maybe it means the same thing as SELF. I should post the HEALS exercise I think....

 

[Hope4Now]

Thank you @Eleanor.
Please do post the link to Stosney; I'm interested. Could you post it here too or tag me so I see it. I don't have much time to be on the web while I am here, so I might miss it...Thanks.

I am dealing with it much better than I usually do - just hanging out with my unhappiness.

I'm thinking of you with my heart as you hang out with your sadness. It's important to do. WAY YUCKY but important. I know that. I get tiny little glimmers of it and when I can accept it with open arms as part of me (WAY HARD) I feel much better. Have you seen Inside Out, the new Pixar film, yet? It's quite excellent. Brilliant the way it deals with happiness and sadness. I suspect you might like it. And it actually made me cry a little (and laugh A LOT) and it all felt quite good.

I hope you are getting reconnected with your body. Actually I don't know what to hope for because I feel kind of bad hoping that for you because it seems certain that such a reconnection process will be hideously painful.

Thank you. And yes. It is going to be hideous. But maybe less hideous than the physical pain that is insisting I reconnect with my embodied self. I KNOW that now. I mean, I knew it before in my head, but I KNOW it in my whole SELF (physical and mental and spiritual). I was pain free for around 30 minutes today. And it had everything to do with the 3 hours I spent "communicating" with my parts. Sigh.

I do wish for a pill sometimes. But I seem to be destined to do the WORK. :wtf::yuck::wideeyed::banghead::bag::arghh;:hungover::dead:.
But, as I do the work and become compassionate with myself (completely and utterly bizarre experience), I am also feeling :roflmao::laugh::D:p:cool:.

This is what all the books say will happen when you start to connect with your parts from SELF. They're right. It's cool!

Uh oh...
Curfew. :banghead::yuck::mad:

 

[Hope4Now]

Hideous miserable night last night.
Today is Day 8 of my residence here. It is a very outstanding program for some parts of me, but not for all. Although I have come to accept that it is about as close as what I am going to get to what I need. Another week will not be enough, so I am going to have to try to identify what I actually need to put into place for myself for after this.

I think I have slept a sum total of about 35 hours since I arrived here. I have never had this much trouble sleeping over this long of a time. I'm not actually sure how my body is still running. But it is. I'm tired. Really tired. But that's not terribly new. It's stress tired. But I think it would be really nice to be able to sleep. I am going to request meds again today. Because I don't think another week of this is going to help me much. I am completely overstimulated--clearly. None of my strategies are working. Blah!

 

[Eleanor]

What are you doing when you are not sleeping? Maybe those bits know there is a deadline?

 

[Hope4Now]

I am processing at some level or another. We are not supposed to be doing that, but my parts have other ideas. Yes, I think there's definitely an anxiety about the deadline...and the knowledge that some parts feel like this is their only chance to communicate with me while I feel safe-ish and am able to listen. Thank you for this question. On some level, I was aware of this, but it helped to clarify that this is what is going on and that my mindfulness skills are simply not up to the task.

 

[Eleanor]

We are not supposed to be doing that

BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!:D:hilarious::hilarious::hilarious::hilarious::eek:

I'm pretty sure it doesn't work like that. What in the name of pete is wrong with the people who do mental health?

Also, it is much easier to listen if you are clear that listening is what is in order. I bet your mindfulness skills are good enough. Once you know you are supposed to be using them.

 

[Eleanor]

YES, Lexi and I saw Inside Out - and it is Ekman! Basic emotions! His all have facial expressions ( and they didn't use his whole set). I like Panksepp better, as you know. But YES. The importance of sadness is really nicely illustrated. Core memories and short and long term... the fact that memories are colored by the emotion - I wish they had SORTED them into long term memory by emotion - that would be more right. But the integration lesson at the end - joy and sadness working together for an expanded board - spot on.

Here is an explanation of the HEALS process: I quibble only with the "explain" bit - it really is just NAME the core hurt and feel it a bit - like 10%. The rest is right.

The Access Core Value step is the crucial one - it has eight components - one is a visualization. It goes like this:


"You are in a large desert with two day’s supply of water. You come across a small child about to perish. If you share your water you will die a day sooner (and you might be rescued before then, but there is no guarantee.) If you do not share your water, you will watch the child die before you. What will you do?

(If you are not a psychopath you help the child)

You pick the child up and comfort her. She is VERY upset. You do whatever you would to comfort the child - and.... it works. She is calming down. She relaxes against your shoulder, puts her head down and falls asleep. "

THIS feeling - is at the core of core value. Then you recall the most important things about you. Then the roles that are most important to you. Then the people you love. Then your connection to spirit (whatever works for you). Then your connection to nature via natural beauty and largeness. Then your connection to creativity and beauty of the human made sort - art, music etc. Then your community connections - groups you feel a part of. Then a few examples of when you acted compassionately toward another.

You should now be in a pretty good place emotionally.
NOW take a look at the other (the other person or the inner) who is getting you upset. Notice that THEY are hurt. Notice that THEY have core value too. NOW find a way to solve the problem (improve the situation, if only your experience of it; appreciate something about yourself or them or the situation; connect with the other; protect yourself and possibly the other.)

goes throughout the eight elements and all the steps.

The idea is to do this exercise OVER AND OVER like 12 - 15 times a day for a couple of weeks to really strengthen your connection to core value and make LINKS between the distressed states and core value so you have access to it even when in those states.