Relationship Girlfriend And Ptsd

[europro]

Welcome to the forums!!

You sound like a wonderful supporter. I suggest backing off from her and...

Thank you. I don't feel special or strong! But I am trying to do what's best for her, and for me I guess.

I have told her I love her and that I will be here ready if she decides to come back. I'll leave her with that thought and leave her alone no matter how hard that is to actually do.

 

[Anarchy]

Hi @europro
Welcome to the forum.
Letting people get close to us, or feeling able to get close to others who we find attractive, can be very stressful. With PTSD our stress cup is almost full at the best of times, so it doesn't take much extra stress to have it overflowing.

From the point of view of someone who has PTSD, your description suggests to me that she might be having some problems with her "inner critic" http://pete-walker.com/shrinkingInnerCritic.htm

You write that she is in therapy. Has she read extensively about PTSD? if she has, she may already be aware of that link, and might not appreciate being sent it, but reading it will give you some understanding. For her, it is probably best if she makes her own discoveries and gains her own insights - rather than being handed them - just saying...

For me, personally, gaining a sense of "self agency" is a huge part of feeling good - receiving unsolicited "help" can really, really piss me off. By all means, let her know that she has not burned her bridges to you, but beyond that, if I was her, I'd be looking for some isolation time to calm down (update - I see you clarified that while I was typing :-) ).

One of the surprising research findings from the 1950s, was that people who managed to get discharged from psychiatric hospitals back then (a big achievement in itself, even today, people diagnosed with a psychosis stand a much better chance of making a full recovery and leading a normal life in places like Nigeria, than they do in Europe or North America! so much for the "medical model"), did much better if they lived alone in a bedsit, or stayed with a brother or sister.

Those who stayed with their parents, especially mothers! or a romantic partner (pretty much always a spouse in those days), had a far higher relapse and re-admission rate. This was narrowed down to an interpersonal dynamic that the researchers named "expressed emotion" https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Expressed_emotion

What you can do is look after yourself. You come across as having a very good understanding of interpersonal boundaries, and of how not to become co-dependant.
Your view that you cannot be "just friends" is fair IMO. There have been partners in my past who I had feeling for that were so strong that it hurt like hell to meet them again after we had broken up. You know your own limits and it is wise to live within those limits.

@

 

[europro]

Hi @europro
Welcome to the forum.
Letting people get close to us, or feeling able to...

Anarchy: Thank you so much for the response. I will read those links. As funny as it sounds I do want to be ready in case she does decide to come back.

I have told her I am here as a partner if she wants to come back.
I will now leave her to sort her own mind out.

This has all been a great help - talking it through has really helped. Having people to talk to who maybe undertstand a little about the situation has also helped with the urge to reach out to her every 5 minutes!

Thank you all for the support and advice so far.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

you need me as more than that to get you through this even though you can't see it right now.

I see this as......IDK the right word, but to tell someone else that they NEED you? You don't know her needs, and you can't tell her what her needs are. Yeah, I've heard it before.....guys telling me that I need them and telling me that I love them. I just roll my eyes at them. They have no clue.

“If you want my help, love and support it's still all there for you babe but it cannot be as friends.

As someone who's been abused, this comes across as "unless you're f*cking me, you're not worthy of my support". Maybe you need to find a "normal" woman? That is, you're closing the door on ANYTHING with her unless she's ready for a relationship NOW. News flash.....she's not ready for a relationship now, so it might be in her best interest, and yours, to move on. It seems like you want to force things, and the LAST thing a sufferer needs is someone telling them what/who they need and forcing them into a relationship. Yep, you're pretty much forcing her into a relationship because if she wants or needs you on ANY level, she may feel guilted into being with you.

The thing about life is that nothing ever really goes according to plan. Do you have an idea of what a relationship SHOULD be and so you're sticking to that? I guess I just don't understand throwing someone great in your life away unless they give you exactly what you want, when you want it. Its hard to find someone great.....and life is about compromises. You just come off as being very rigid, your way or the highway, and flexibility is paramount in a PTSD relationship.

 

[europro]

I see this as......IDK the right word, but to tell someone else that they NEED you? You don't know he...

Thanks for the response - I never said I was perfect but I can accept criticism for what i have or have not done.

I would say that I am not throwing away anything good in my life. She is by splitting up with me. I would have stood by her.

 

[Deleted member 30331]

Hi all,

I am new to the forum so apologies if some or all of these topics and questions have been cover...

Un-returned love is one of the oldest themes in music and literature. Rejection is a serious blow to anyone. She may have told you some reasons for not wanting to continue contact with you, but she may not know herself why she and you don't "click." She may not know how to explain it, other than to let you believe that her PTSD is at the core of your split-up. She may not want to hurt your feelings any worse than she already has. Even if you had a "cure" for her PTSD, there's no saying whether she would return to your former relationship.

Most people lose a few relationships as they explore themselves and their options, especially as young as you two are. I used to be hyper-sensitive to would-be girlfriends turning into "old buddies" and moving on. But I've had to do that myself sometimes with women I simply could not stay with. Both sides of the situation can be painful.

You say she is in therapy. I doubt she has failed to talk over her feelings with her counselor. Is it possible you could go with her to see her counselor? Her therapist may be able to help her help you understand what's happening. But I wouldn't count on that, if I were you.

The great thing is that you are both still very young, and you have many years in which to love and be loved for being the new person you can become every day.
This site is a good place for debriefing. Good luck to you. I wish you the best.