"no-talk" Therapy?

[DogwoodTree]

Has anyone ever had a T sit quietly from the very start of the session, waiting for you to take the lead or...whatever?

Today's session...equine therapy so there's a team of 3 people...and they all started out really quiet and not going through the normal warm-up at the beginning, or giving direction on what to expect this time, or anything like they normally do...just sat there quietly, watching the horses. I waited and waited for the normal start. By the time I figured out they really were waiting for me to take the initiative, I couldn't think of anything to say, and I was too far gone to say anything anyway.

Maybe 30 minutes into it, one of them asked me what was happening today, and I couldn't get any words from deep inside my head up to my mouth to respond in any way. Ten minutes before the session was over, another one said it was time to process the session and asked how I was feeling with this session. I couldn't respond...nothing. Couldn't form a single coherent response. Before they could start talking about next week's schedule, I got up and walked out.

I felt afraid at first, as I realized they were changing the routine. Then I froze just to manage the fear. I couldn't think. It was crazy. I felt alone and isolated and invisible. The whole hour. The whole, freakin', expensive hour.

Is therapy really supposed to hurt this much? In the past 6+ months, there've only been maybe 3 sessions where I felt better as I walked out than when I went in.

I want to cry, but the tears won't come, no matter how hard I try. I know I failed today. Whatever this challenge was about or whatever, I should've done something different, just not sure what. I think I'm too broken for therapy. Maybe I should take a break for a while. I feel like such an idiot.

 

[Saint Nik]

You didn't fail. Some therapy sessions do not begin until you do (when you are ready!) Some therapy sessions see it as a way to find your comfort at first in silence, to give you the feeling that you do not have to talk if you don't want to. To allow the session to go the way you want.
Your emotions are all over the place because you have interpreted and viewed this session as a negative one and completely blamed yourself. You aren't to blame. Therapy is there for you and is there to work for you!
Don't be disheartened and don't feel like an idiot. You can't do anything wrong in therapy. It's meant to be a place to share and express your feelings in a safe environment!
Believe me when I say this, you didn't do wrong. . .try again and if you can, tell them the last session made you feel not good about yourself, it will open up the next session to get you talking about yourself a little bit easier! Hope that helps!

 

[seedling]

or anything like they normally do

or...whatever?

I don't think it's fair to change the protocol without telling you. I couldn't imagine either of my therapists (my previous one or my current one) taking this approach. They would tend to take the opposite approach - being careful to let me in on any of the details about my therapy.

Were you supposed to ask what was going on? Were they really waiting for you to take the initiative (whatever that is)? How were you to know? What the heck? I can understand your feelings and actions in this situation.

I think they put you in, to say the least, an awkward situation. PTSD does not respond well to inconsistency by people we're trying to form trusting bonds with. Everything in the open and above board, laid out plain and simple seems best. Lots of open communication.

I think a therapist does best to run an approach by the client before practicing it. Is this a part of their program? Have they discussed doing this with you before?

If they want to "process" the session at some point, be honest. It's your session, you don't need to be left guessing what's going on.
There's nothing for you to have failed at here. Just those old voices telling you things that aren't true. Hang in there.

 

[DogwoodTree]

Some therapy sessions see it as a way to find your comfort at first in silence, to give you the feeling that you do not have to talk if you don't want to. To allow the session to go the way you want.

That's all well and good if my goal in therapy is to learn silence. But I don't have a problem with silence. I have a problem being able to connect, on any significant level. When I take these online quizzes for Asperger's, my scores are very high. I struggle with feeling like I'm connected with anyone for anything. I feel like I've been faking it all my life. If sitting in silence would fix that, it would've been taken care of a very long time ago. And if I already knew how to reach out beyond the abyss separating me from the rest of the world, and manage connection on my own, I would've done that already, too. I'm there for help and guidance, not silence.

If this challenge was designed to push me out of silence...it didn't work. Growing up, I spent many, many hours frozen in place during high-conflict conversations with/between my parents. I learned how to freeze completely, to pack everything very deeply inside. Today, the stress of not knowing what was going on, and not knowing what was expected of me, and feeling like I was wasting valuable minutes, put me right back into that shutdown mode. My DH handed me the cash for the session just before I left the house, and I saw that stressed look in his eyes, that feeling like we're sacrificing an awful lot to be able to pay for all of this. I kept seeing his eyes, and feeling like I was failing him, and screwing us up financially, and not getting anything for it, because I couldn't freakin' ask a simple question.

I can't get out of it just by deciding to be different. If it was that easy, I would have done it already.

You can't do anything wrong in therapy. It's meant to be a place to share and express your feelings in a safe environment!

It's wrong if it doesn't help anything.

I do want to share and express myself in a safe environment, very much so. But how does changing the rules with no warning create a safe environment?

Were you supposed to ask what was going on? Were they really waiting for you to take the initiative (whatever that is)? How were you to know? What the heck?

I guess even just asking a question like "Is there something I'm supposed to be doing?" would've helped get things started. But I didn't know that was the expectation until I was too far shutdown from the uncertainty of things not going the way they usually do. They've said before that there are no rules there, other than to keep myself safe. But there are routines. And I need those routines...I need the predictability of that structure, and it wasn't there today at all.

Everything in the open and above board, laid out plain and simple seems best. Lots of open communication.

Maybe they were just waiting for me to communicate my confusion and fear, I don't know. I suck at this. I so totally suck at this.

Is this a part of their program? Have they discussed doing this with you before?

No, they've not used or talked about this approach before at all. They have asked me to take more initiative in single tasks, like "Move the horses to another part of the field in any way you feel is appropriate. We're available to help if you want us to." I never ask for their help. I always find a way to do the task by myself. So I get that they would want to encourage me to communicate with them more. But how does it make sense to spend the whole hour waiting for me to say the first thing?

Seems like, at the very least, after I couldn't respond to the question they asked 30 minutes into it, they would've picked up on the fact I was shut down and done something to help me out of that. What's really strange is that the one who asked that question 30 minutes in...she was sitting behind me (I hadn't been able to move to reposition so I could see the horses or all 3 Ts or anything...just frozen, staring at the dirt). So to respond to her instead of to one of the others would have taken even more energy than responding to someone right in front of me. I just couldn't get over that hump. It was too far to reach.

I keep seeing my DH's eyes...his fear that we're spending too much money on this. And then to walk away from the session without saying anything whatsoever to any of the three of them for a whole hour???? What the hell is wrong with me. :(

 

[Friday]

If so... I've never waited for anyone else to start speaking for longer than a few minutes.

Is the uncomfortable silence here for a reason? // So what's going on today? // Aaaaaaand a whole host of other things is likely to fall out of my mouth. When I was a kid in Asia, sometimes silence was the goal of the entire endeavor. I made my priest-teacher in one school start laughing uncontrollably during one of these sessions... Because (ADHD & given to poor impulse control & boredom) I began -very silently- sneaking up on him in a variety of ways. Which I then explained, when asked ;) When told that today, from this point onward no one was allowed to speak until lunchtime, I took it as tacit permission to break a lot of rules, since no one was "allowed" to tell me to stop. There was a drainpipe... I digress. The next session they made sure to say stillness was also part of the endeavor.

Like @Saint Nik ... I would take today as a positive thing to learn from, rather than a blame thing.

What did you learn?

Some possibilities:

- That taking the lead is something to work on?
- That "interrupting", even when there is nothing to interrupt, is something to work on?
- That authority or doing something that might be perceived as "wrong" is something to work on?
- That you expect mind reading when going through difficulty?
- ???

 

[Friday]

It's wrong if it doesn't help anything.

Not necessarily. Especially not if it helps you learn things.

***

Right now it seems like you have a bazillion questions on why the did this, and to what purpose. I would suggest very much that you make at least the beginning of the next session about that. Ask them directly.

Otherwise it appears you're left with a lot of conjecture as to what they may have meant, should have done, and how you failed. None of that is useful, although it is useful to know that's where you go with things.

 

[illusionist]

I used many sessions just to sit in silence and just feel emotions in a safe environment. Very few words would be spoken between us, no questions asked....no pressure. It helped me a lot.

 

[DogwoodTree]

That taking the lead is something to work on?

I tried thinking of things I could do that would "take the lead." But this is equine therapy. The point is to do specific activities with the horse(s) for what that experience can teach you. I'm not the equine therapy expert. I don't know what those activities should be. And that's related to more unexpected changes today--they had two horses in the ring today instead of one like usual, and it was the other two horses rather than the one they usually have in there. Really, so many changes...I had no idea what they had planned and was waiting for instructions. At first, the two horses were very active. Is it safe to get in there with them nipping at each other like that? I wasn't sure. Did they want me to just watch the horses for a little while? Why not say that? I couldn't even focus on the horses because I was trying so hard to figure out what the humans were up to.

Especially not if it helps you learn things.

I'm really struggling with this. I'm so upset with myself and confused...I don't know what there is to learn from it. And I'm angry at them for letting the hour go by without doing something to try and salvage it. I'm paying too much money for this to stand there and stare at dirt for an hour.

 

[DogwoodTree]

I used many sessions just to sit in silence and just feel emotions in a safe environment. Very few words would be spoken between us, no questions asked....no pressure. It helped me a lot.

I can see how that would be a great thing at the right time and with mutual understanding that that is the goal for the session. It's just, that's not what was happening today. I was frozen and shut down...not feeling and processing emotions. But I can definitely see where silence has its place.

 

[illusionist]

I just read your other post, to me, it is understandable that you were confused in that situation.

 

[Rumors]

@DogwoodTree
"I'm really struggling with this. I'm so upset with myself and confused...I don't know what there is to learn from it. And I'm angry at them for letting the hour go by without doing something to try and salvage it. I'm paying too much money for this to stand there and stare at dirt for an hour"

I think your reaction to today's therapy is enough to say you got SOMETHING out of it, yes? It wasn't all wasted because now you are having all of these thoughts. Maybe explore why you were frozen and shutdown. That might be the greatest session you have ever had! Sometimes the hardest work is the hardest session. This could be it!
Just a thought! Good luck! Definitely something to discuss next session!

 

[DogwoodTree]

Right now it seems like you have a bazillion questions on why the did this, and to what purpose. I would suggest very much that you make at least the beginning of the next session about that. Ask them directly.

Otherwise it appears you're left with a lot of conjecture as to what they may have meant, should have done, and how you failed. None of that is useful, although it is useful to know that's where you go with things.

Gotta find the courage to schedule the next session...have to call or email, because I walked out before we could work that out. Not even sure I want to go back. I spent all afternoon trying to convince myself I could get by without them. ...though it would be good to get some answers.