MariaMars24
New Here
PTSD or not I will never forgive my ex. A month ago I was discarded because I found his and his ex name from a wedding registry website while google searching his name out of curiosity. and when I tried to contact his ex for answers he blew up and ripped me apart.
Last April he broke up with me. A week after the break up I initiated no contact. I tried to take a break and explore Miami for 2 days (I experience caregiver burnout and need breaks). Meanwhile he kept emailing how much he missed me and happy birthday and I was still vulnerable emotionally trying to ignore. A week later I finally gave in and talked for closure. He said he wanted to "start things slow" and that we were twin flames and that he was "sorry". He even said he would rather die than not have me in his life.
I told him that he needs to visit me if he wants real closure. I made sacrifices for this relationship. I gave him money for loan payments, a massage table (he is a massage therapist), gave him money for gas and I spent more money for our first visit last Dec. He said he would pay me back $350 for even out the contribution of our visit (to make it seem like we both financially supported our trip) I gave him my virginity. I shared everything. I f*cking tried. Oh...and after 3 years HE said we can only see each other for 2 1/2 days. I had no choice but to go because after so many years of extreme stress I just wanted something good to happen. So I flew to him.
Back to the wedding registry issue. He begged me not to contact her. Called me 10+ times. I was frozen and did not understand what was going on. Through out the relationship he always talked about how abusive his ex was and that she raped him and that she is an alcoholic. How they meet? He was kicked out and lived with her. He chose to have sex with her (he blamed the size of the house and that he is a man that needs sex). He said that she forced him to be in a relationship with her.
What he said to me? "You ruin lives" "We had peace and you ruined it" "You killed me" "I don't know who you are anymore" "You plotted revenge" "You destroyed me" All this because I wanted answers. The ex nicely gave me permission to talk to her and she said she knew everything (including my suicide tendencies). She told me that for 5 years he told her that he loves her and wants her in his life. Meanwhile he pretty much cussed me out and said he wanted nothing to do with me anymore and that I was wrong contacting her and that I didn't listen to his begging.
Oh. And he lied to me about his past relationships. Turns out the "forced relationship" was mutual AND that he cheated on another ex after 6 months of marriage (refusing to give her a divorce) AND that in 2007 he was diagnosed as a sex addict and had 240+ partners since the age of 14. He also said that he forced himself to have a relationship with me and others even though deep down he loved being alone. He said that me and his ex made him go gay. He said to me "I hope you would be perfect for me, but you are not ...now I want to be alone". That made me feel like utter shit that I was not "perfect" enough for him. This man is 29 years old.
His last words? You already destroyed my life GET THE f*ck OFF GO AWAY.
For 5 years he and his ex talked. Yet I was blamed for ruining his life for contacting his ex for answers?
I don't care of he has PTSD. Not after what he had done to me. If this woman caused him "hell" like he claimed why the hell can he do something about it? Restraining order? Blocking her? Something? He never done anything. I have been blamed enough through out my damn life from other people's issues. It's like my humanity is a threat. I can't be human because they already idolized me as some nice angel! I am not!
He said my suicidal threats were emotionally abusive....well his emotional neglect was abusive too. I would sit for hours with problems in my head while he purposely ignored me. He ALWAYS thought I was angry, rage, controlling, etc. We'll his passive aggressiveness was abusive. So if threatening suicide is considered abusive then I will just conclude PTSD is abusive then too because you know? suicide is STILL a damn stigma. He judges me for my depression diagnose yet shame on me for triggering him?????!!!! Yup... OHHHH I really wanted to hurt my ex by saying I WANTED TO DIE from the stress of the got damn relationship. Sure. Yup. Yup. It's ALWAYS my fault in the end. You know? When you are suicidal you can't be rational it's utter horror....but sure call me abusive like he did. smfh. I've been in therapy for a month to deal with it.
I am tired. After 3 years it comes to this.
Last April he broke up with me. A week after the break up I initiated no contact. I tried to take a break and explore Miami for 2 days (I experience caregiver burnout and need breaks). Meanwhile he kept emailing how much he missed me and happy birthday and I was still vulnerable emotionally trying to ignore. A week later I finally gave in and talked for closure. He said he wanted to "start things slow" and that we were twin flames and that he was "sorry". He even said he would rather die than not have me in his life.
I told him that he needs to visit me if he wants real closure. I made sacrifices for this relationship. I gave him money for loan payments, a massage table (he is a massage therapist), gave him money for gas and I spent more money for our first visit last Dec. He said he would pay me back $350 for even out the contribution of our visit (to make it seem like we both financially supported our trip) I gave him my virginity. I shared everything. I f*cking tried. Oh...and after 3 years HE said we can only see each other for 2 1/2 days. I had no choice but to go because after so many years of extreme stress I just wanted something good to happen. So I flew to him.
Back to the wedding registry issue. He begged me not to contact her. Called me 10+ times. I was frozen and did not understand what was going on. Through out the relationship he always talked about how abusive his ex was and that she raped him and that she is an alcoholic. How they meet? He was kicked out and lived with her. He chose to have sex with her (he blamed the size of the house and that he is a man that needs sex). He said that she forced him to be in a relationship with her.
What he said to me? "You ruin lives" "We had peace and you ruined it" "You killed me" "I don't know who you are anymore" "You plotted revenge" "You destroyed me" All this because I wanted answers. The ex nicely gave me permission to talk to her and she said she knew everything (including my suicide tendencies). She told me that for 5 years he told her that he loves her and wants her in his life. Meanwhile he pretty much cussed me out and said he wanted nothing to do with me anymore and that I was wrong contacting her and that I didn't listen to his begging.
Oh. And he lied to me about his past relationships. Turns out the "forced relationship" was mutual AND that he cheated on another ex after 6 months of marriage (refusing to give her a divorce) AND that in 2007 he was diagnosed as a sex addict and had 240+ partners since the age of 14. He also said that he forced himself to have a relationship with me and others even though deep down he loved being alone. He said that me and his ex made him go gay. He said to me "I hope you would be perfect for me, but you are not ...now I want to be alone". That made me feel like utter shit that I was not "perfect" enough for him. This man is 29 years old.
His last words? You already destroyed my life GET THE f*ck OFF GO AWAY.
For 5 years he and his ex talked. Yet I was blamed for ruining his life for contacting his ex for answers?
I don't care of he has PTSD. Not after what he had done to me. If this woman caused him "hell" like he claimed why the hell can he do something about it? Restraining order? Blocking her? Something? He never done anything. I have been blamed enough through out my damn life from other people's issues. It's like my humanity is a threat. I can't be human because they already idolized me as some nice angel! I am not!
He said my suicidal threats were emotionally abusive....well his emotional neglect was abusive too. I would sit for hours with problems in my head while he purposely ignored me. He ALWAYS thought I was angry, rage, controlling, etc. We'll his passive aggressiveness was abusive. So if threatening suicide is considered abusive then I will just conclude PTSD is abusive then too because you know? suicide is STILL a damn stigma. He judges me for my depression diagnose yet shame on me for triggering him?????!!!! Yup... OHHHH I really wanted to hurt my ex by saying I WANTED TO DIE from the stress of the got damn relationship. Sure. Yup. Yup. It's ALWAYS my fault in the end. You know? When you are suicidal you can't be rational it's utter horror....but sure call me abusive like he did. smfh. I've been in therapy for a month to deal with it.
I am tired. After 3 years it comes to this.
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